A puppy is like a baby... right??

 Well I feel like I have fallen a little behind. It's been a while. I have so much to say and so little patience to sit here and write it all :) but I will. So here it goes. First and foremost... I have a baby. And by baby I mean puppy. His name is Ruca, he is a chocolate lab and he is my little cure for my broken-baby-makin'-part-blues. He is so fun and so crazy and I just love that I have a little life to care for aside from my own. No it's not a baby, but it is close enough for me for right now. And he definitely has been a blessing to me in the sense that he pulled me out of a really hard, miserable rutt that I was in. These past couple months have been a little rocky and rough while we waited for answers from our change of treatment/doctor.
He is the sweetest and boy does that little guy love his mama. He is excited when Mason and I come home and would cuddle us all day and night if we would let him. He has learned to sit and will lay down on command... almost. And he knows his name even though he ignores us most of the time. He holds his leash in his mouth when we walk him and I think it's adorable that he wants to be the boss. He is such a little personality and we just love him!

Since the last post we have also moved in with my parents. Again. It was a hard choice to make because boy did we love where we were living, but we decided in order to save up for our gorgeous soon-to-be home we would live with them for a while and put that rent towards appliances and new furniture instead. Which we have done! We have almost already paid off a giant fridge and my dream washer and dryer! And we still have 4 months!! Wahoo! I am really proud of us! We are going to be able to pay for it all outright instead of financing it into the house. We just got debt free so for us to choose to pay for it out of pocket is a huge step for us. It was always to easy to finance but I really feel like we are doing it right this time. Which is good! A home is such a big purchase! 

So besides all of that we also changed doctors. Like I said in my last post... fresh start. We decided to start going to Valley OBGYN and Dr. Melendez is our new doctor. He is funny, lighthearted, and has a lot of knowledge and knows of a bunch of studies that support his proposed course of treatment. Which Mason loved. Plus he says I can drink Coke still. Which I loved. All of June the Dr. took me off of Clomed. He told me to give my body a rest. Which I was more than okay with. He says that studies show that if your body gets too used to taking Clomed every month it will start to react to it as a contraceptive instead of a pill to help you get preggers. So that could explain why my progesterone was going down and not going up. So we did that. And it was so nice to have a break from all of those hormones and just feel like my normal self for the entire month. He did ask us to check to see if my body ovulated off of the Clomed and it was no shock to us that it didn't. The news still had a little bit of a sting to it even though I semi-expected it. Bad new is always bad no matter how many times you hear it. Aside from that he wanted us to change our "calendar" around a little bit and try something different from what we have been doing. So we did that. And Doc also wanted us to get a Hysterosalpingogram. Or HSG test. Or "dye test." Whatever you would like to call it. It is where they shoot a dye through the uterus and fallopian tubes and then a machine takes a steady stream of X-rays of the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any problems, blockages or scar tissue that is preventing the egg from planting into the wall of the uterus. It also, hopefully, helps us figure out why I haven't been able to carry my babies to full term. So hopefully.... this means answers. 
I recently started reading a book that my therapist had suggested I read called "Infertility: Health, hope and healing." It is written by an LDS author and talks a lot about the experiences of women in the church and how they dealt with infertility. It talks about the Mormon perspective on family, the innocent questions that people ask in our every day lives that may hurt, and she talks about a lot of women in the scriptures that dealt with infertility. Which has helped me a lot. It is so hard to not feel alone when you struggle with something so personal that isn't openly talked about in day to day life. There are at least 3 or 4 times a day where I feel like talking about my situation or sharing my feelings about something someone says but I bight my tongue because my infertility struggle is some sort of secret. Either that or I am forced into opening up about it by people who don't realize they're questions are a little on the invasive side for someone who just met me. It is hard when people ask, "any kids?" and I say something like "not yet!" or "we're working  on it!" and people feel it necessary to pry and ask "WHY no kids?" or "do you just not feel ready?" Yikes. Then I give a brief synopsis of our situation and it turns into..."Well at least your husband and you are getting to know each other and enjoying the kid free life." or "Well you're still young!" or "Enjoy no kids while it lasts.... once you have them you can't give them back! *pitty/awkward laughs*" OH. BOY. I have heard it all. Yes I am ready. Yes I will get to know my husband better. Yes I am young.... guys... still hurts. I know they don't know it hurts but that doesn't mean it doesn't. This is my life right now. This is my reality and my daily struggle. 
The more I think on it and the more that I wonder about why I am even writing this blog that no one can read I realize that one day, and probably someday soon, I will be able to share it. Share my story and my struggles and my process so that someone in my situation can benefit from it in the future. So that they don't feel alone. So that they don't search for support desperately. It will be out there. When they look for someone who feels what they feel, or experienced what they are experiencing they can find it. 

"I believe that God will always make a way where there is no way... I believe that if we will walk in obedience to the commandments of God He will open a way even where there appears to be no way." 

1 NEPHI 3:7- 7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Guys. There is it. God is going to make a way. There is a way. It is a commandment to have a family... to have kids... to be a unit with a husband, wife and kids. And because I know that is a commandment from God himself I also know that He is providing a way for me to be a mom or else He would not have commanded me to do so. Whether it is adoption in a few years or the natural way within the next few months. Or one of the several other ways to mother... like being a nursery or primary teacher or taking care of family members in need or being an example to nieces/nephews or being a mother in the eternities after this Earthly life... I know God sees me as a mother. I know I am a mother at heart and hopefully soon I will be one here on Earth. I know God will provide a way. Just waiting patiently for it to happen :)