At the end of July I scheduled oral surgery to get my wisdom teeth out. My surgery was scheduled for August 5th at 7AM. I let the doctor know before hand that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant and the scheduled surgery fell right after we would be able to take a test and find out one way or another. He just told me to let him and know and that we would plan on it until he heard other wise. (If I was pregnant they wouldn't be able to knock me out, and because of where my teeth were located I had to be put under for the surgery.) So Mason and I tried in July... I ovulated for the FIRST time since my last miscarriage... YAY! And we crossed our fingers and toes. The week before the surgery my boobs were sore, (TMI?) my stomach was uneasy and my emotions were high.... so I was excited and more hopeful than usual. The thursday before my surgery (which was scheduled for a Tuesday) I took a pregnancy test. Negative. UGH! Then on Saturday of that week we were going up to Lagoon with Masons brother and his family so I decided to test one more time and make sure that it was negative so that I knew whether or not I could ride all of the rides. Again... it was negative! I was so confused because I felt so sure... I even had a weak stomach that day... every ride made me sick and I was done well before anyone else was. I was so confused. To be safe, the morning of my surgery I took another pregnancy test and it was still negative. So I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to happen this month and blamed the symptoms of pregnancy to the high dose of Clomed and put on my big girl pants and got the surgery. It was a rough one and I came home that day and was SO sick. My stomach would not stop turning and I had a headache all day and I slept the entire day. Part of which I could tell were the drugs and post surgery side effects but I couldn't figure out why I would be so sick to my stomach. So, the next morning, when Mason ran to Wal Mart to get my prescriptions I took one more pregnancy test. I figured that it would be negative and that I could throw it away and Mason wouldn't know and I wouldn't feel dumb for trying one more time. So I peed on the stick, put the cap on, slipped it back into the wrapper and put it on put it on my nightstand. I fell asleep for a few minutes and woke back up, rolled over, pulled out the stick and.... No. Freaking. Way. I was PREGNANT! I sat on the edge of my bed slipping the pregnancy test out of the wrapper, and back in... and out.... and in. And every time I looked at it I expected it to say something different. Like "oops, not this time" or "tricked ya!" or "try again." But no.... the screen said plain as day.... PREGNANT. When mason walked into the room I was still sitting there and I held up the test, in the wrapper and just stared at him and he just stared at me. And all he said was..... "No..." and then he smiled... and then he tackled me and we stared at the test and laughed and cried and talked about how much we couldn't believe it, and this baby was a fighter and we called the doctor and set up a check up for the next day. Sure enough.... 4.5 weeks prego and due on April 11th, 2015. Mason and I were so excited...
Because of our history or miscarriage it was harder this time. I decided that one way or another I was going to be excited. Not scared. Be positive and celebrate the little life growing in my belly. I didn't want this to be "THE pregnancy," the one that made it all the way and look back and just remember being scared of losing our precious baby, and have no memory of being excited for it! For Mason it was even harder. He had watched me go through the loss. He held me while I cried and he was strong when I was SO weak. He was scared and hesitant. He was excited but that excitement was masked by the fear of losing yet another little one. So life went on and we were nearing our first ultrasound. We were 6 weeks along, we had passed the point that we had miscarried last time! I was ecstatic. I sent Mason a text and he began to show his love for that little baby and we began to day dream. Names, what ifs, nurseries, things we wanted to do and learn about before the little one arrived, when and how we would tell our families. You know... the usual.
It was a Sunday morning... the 17th of August around 2 AM. I sat straight up out of bed and doubled over in pain. I couldn't help but panic. There was no blood, but a pain so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight. Mason sat up next to me and asked what he could do... He helped me out of bed, helped me get dressed and we went to the hospital. They rushed me back in a wheelchair, put in a massive IV and got me liquids and pain killers. They asked me some questions, ya know, last cycle, due date, how far along I was and the hardest one... "Is this your first pregnancy?".... " No.".... "What number is this?".... "Pregnancy #3"......"And how many live births?"..... "None." It's a dagger to the heart and its even harder to watch their expression when you tell them that.
They came in and mentioned some things that the pain could be... It could be a cyst, kidney stones, miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, gas pains.... They acted fairly confident that it was Kidney Stones so I remained positive. The first thing they wanted was a bunch of blood. Next thing they wanted was an ultrasound. Good news was this pain was different than the miscarriages I had had before so I was confident baby was okay. Not to mention when we met with the doctor a couple weeks before he was happy to report that with all of the symptoms I was having the pregnancy must have been going good so far. The more symptoms the better the chances of full term pregnancy and healthy baby. Especially because I had never really had that many symptoms before. So I kept myself positive and tried not be overly excited that the ER nurse had mentioned we should be able to hear a heartbeat! Yes I was in pain but this would be the first baby heart beat I would get to hear! I was beside myself. Mason sat next to me and held my hand while I prayed silently to just hear a few beats of that little ones heart. If I got to experience that it would be worth the pain I was in, a million times over.
They wheeled me into the Ultrasound room and got started. They took pictures of my kidney, ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, bladder and anything else in that region. The ultrasound tech flipped a switch and I could hear a heartbeat! I looked at her with wide eyes and asked if that was baby! She shook her head and told me that that was my heart beat. I watched her intently and waited for her to point out the second beating heart and she didn't. She finished and then told me the doctor would be in with the results. My eyes welled up.
I was wheeled back to the room. The doctor came in a while later and told us that I had a cyst on my ovary that was nearly the same size as my uterus. Normal cysts are around 1 cm. Mine was 3.5 cm. He told me I would need to be on bed rest for the rest of the week because if the cyst were to grow to 5 cm than there was risk of that ovary toppling and cutting off blood supply. That would cause the ovary to die and I would need to have it surgically removed which would lower my chances of getting pregnant again. Then he sat down on a chair next to me and began to ask me questions about when we found out I was pregnant and how far along I was supposed to be... The word that stuck out to me? SUPPOSED to be. I stared at him and waited for the news. He said that my HCG levels were supposed to be double what they were now if I was indeed 6 weeks along. They were at 900. I guess that's not good at 6 weeks. He said that there was a chance that they could increase over night and if they did the pregnancy should last through it but if they dropped than that would tell us that a miscarriage was on its way. He told me that I needed to get my blood taken first thing Monday morning and then see my OB for a follow up. I asked him about the baby... if we could get one of the pictures from the ultrasound and he delivered a little bit more bad news. They were unable to find a heartbeat or a fetus. There wasn't any sign of baby Rose... he said that that could be caused by my low hormones and that at this far along that there was a risk of an ectopic pregnancy. I was numb. Heartbroken.... scared... and numb. Mason was a sweetheart. He got me to the car and held my hand all the way home while I slept. We got home at 8 AM... He got me upstairs where we told my parents that I was pregnant but that there was a risk of miscarriage and we would know more in the morning. I fell asleep and slept most of that Sunday. I woke up mid day with cramping and sharp pains... I knew what was coming. My body was giving up on sweet baby Rose #3.
Monday morning came and we were back at the hospital at 8 AM sharp to get my blood taken. We went to the doctors around 10 AM. They took us into the ultrasound room and made us wait for the doctor. He came in and I knew right away. He sat down and said, "I am so sorry that I have to be the one to deliver this news to you but your HCG levels dropped significantly last night. They were at a 246 when you were tested this morning." I grabbed for Masons hand and broke into a sob. I didn't even try to control it. The doctor said quietly "I'll give you guys a few minutes to process that news." I just cried. And Mason held me so tight. I got myself together and the doctor came back in shortly after. He told me that this was the worst part of his job. And apologized for our loss. He did an ultrasound and checked my cyst. It had reduced in size by a quarter of a centimeter which was good! He also checked for an ectopic pregnancy and said that everything looked good. We talked about some next steps and what we would be planning as far as treatment for the next few months and then we left. Mason called into work and we spent the day together, did some therapy shopping and then watch TV together at home.
The week went by and I remained on bed rest for the cyst. Friday came and I started to actually miscarry. The doctors had told me to watch for pain that was on one side or the other because I was still pregnant and it could still be ectopic. That evening the pain moved to my left side so Mason took me to the ER.... again. They did blood tests and gave me pain killers and told me my HCG level was a 2. So it was officially a miscarriage the doctor said. I was 7 weeks along. Horrible pain and lots of emotions followed and then I was headed back to work that following Monday. I put on a brave face and pushed through my work days but everything made me think of my pregnancy. I cried a few times that week at work but things were starting to get easier, slowly but surely. I had a follow up phone call Friday morning with my doctor and he told me that there was a mistake and my levels were actually at a 157 when I went to the ER last and that that raised some red flags. I told him that I was feeling fine, I had stopped bleeding but he insisted that I needed to get in Saturday to see him. That same Friday evening.... August 29th, the girls from work were all going to dinner with our managers to celebrate how wonderful we did at a sidewalk sale a few months before! I had had some pain that day and a little light headedness which made me a little nervous but I felt alright. Everyone met at work and we carpooled from there. We were headed to Murray to the Cheesecake factory and my friend Morgan needed someone to ride with her so that she could stay up there after and didn't have to drive alone. I would just grab a ride back with someone else. We were almost to the exit when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to ignore it and act normal but it was overwhelming me. I started to panic and told Morgan calmly that I needed to go to the hospital. I called Mason and told him but he was stuck at work. I told him not to worry and that I would let him know once I found out more. Morgan dropped me off at the ER and I hobbled in. The pain was so intense that it was hard to see straight and I was having trouble standing. I tried to wait patiently for the front desk to get me checked in. They finally got to me and sat me down at the registration desk. I gave a brief run through of what was happening and told the nurse that I had miscarried the week before but they had been worried about ectopic, I mentioned my cyst but it was getting harder and harder to think straight. The male nurse gave me attitude and made me feel dumb by telling me that it was probably just the cyst rupturing and that those can be painful and I snapped at him that I had had a cyst rupture... this was worse. He told me, "we have to take serious cases back first. We will get to you as soon as we can." Slapped a bracelet on my wrist and told me to wait in the waiting room.
I sat there for what seemed like forever! 15 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins later I was getting ready to hobble up to the front again and beg for help, I was light headed, I thought I might pass out and people kept going in ahead of me. I prayed as hard as I could that a nurse would come get me; I was alone in the waiting room and crying from the pain and scared. The next thing I know.... a nurse yelled, "Rose, Randi?" I tried to stand up but almost fell over so he had to get a wheelchair. I told him I had been waiting forever, the pain was spreading and that I had recently miscarried a high risk pregnancy. This guy was taking me seriously. Thank you!! He rushed me back to an oversized room, got me oxygen, an IV, lots of pain killers and hooked me up to all sorts of monitors and a nurse call button. I called Mason and told him to come as soon as he could. They brought in two doctors to do the ultrasound. I was scared to death and crying pretty steadily. One of the nurses held my hand and the ultrasound tech told me that there was some internal bleeding and that that was normally a sign of an Ectopic pregnancy.
How could that be? I had miscarried. A week ago. I had stopped bleeding. But now it was happening all over again? This was my worst nightmare.
Mason was there with me soon after that and by then I had stopped crying and was pretty out of it from the pain medication. The doctor came in a few minutes after Mason got there and looked at my ultrasound results. He told me that there was blood in my abdomen and a few other signs of an ectopic pregnancy. They wouldn't know how bad the damage was until they got in there but that he was going to call the surgeon and get her opinion. We called my family and let them know and waited for more information. All of a sudden everyone was moving a lot faster. The surgeon came in and told me that my left fallopian tube had ruptured and that it would need to be removed. She said that they were going to be by within the next few minutes to get me for surgery.
I was numb. And stunned.
The doctors came by, gave Mason a bag for my stuff and got me admitted to the hospital. Everything went pretty quickly after that. Mason followed the bed as they wheeled me to the operation room and kissed me before they pointed him to the waiting room. I put on a brave face but I was scared to death. We were rushing down hallways and then they parked me just outside of an operating room. Each nurse came by and introduced themselves. The doctors and anesthesiologist came and talked to me and then wheeled me in. The last thing I remembered was them wrapping my arms in foam and strapping them down to my sides. I was shaking now. Then they put on a mask and hooked me up to a fluid and I was out before the doctor finished telling me what to count to.
Two hours later I was waking up. My mom, dad and perfect husband were there. I had a hard time focusing but once I came to Mason told me that I had done well. They removed the left fallopian tube but it shouldn't reduce my chances of getting pregnant. He said the doctors told him it was possible that it was a "twin pregnancy" since I had miscarried the previous week. They said I had blood up to my rib cage and that they removed most of it... over a pound of blood was taken from my abdomen. My estimated recovery time was two and half weeks of bed rest. Which brings us to today. My two and a half week mark.
I am doing better. They caught a nerve the width of fishing line in my right side stitches. They said that it would take 3 to 6 months to heal completely. It has caused some constant pain but I am beginning to learn how to avoid it and what I can and can't do while it heals. Besides that the pain is beginning to subside. I still hurt if I am fairly active for an entire day and I have trouble walking long distances. I can't lift heavy things and I wear a compression brace to ease the pain on my right side. So if you see me hobbling around that's why. As for my emotions... I am trying to learn how to cope. I have been preoccupied with the pain my body has dealt with and the extensive recovery that I have been trying to deal with... Pain, nausea, headaches, loss of appetite, low energy, and inability to do lots of things for myself have all worn me down. It has been a hard month for our small Rose family but we have been each others greatest strength. I could not have survived this hellish month without my one and only love of my life, Mason. He has cooked, cleaned, worked full time, helped me in and out of bed, helped me dress myself and get up and down the stairs, brought me medicine, filled prescriptions, ran errands, kept me preoccupied by spoiling me with things for our home and new clothes to wear once I am recovered, and not to mention showered me with compliments daily to boost my hurt confidence and keep me smiling. He is my superman. My hero. And I could not have made it through without him. (I love you dearly Mas.) As for treatment plans... we have a follow up appointment the 10th of August. Until then our treatment plan is to spend time together and learn to cope with what has happened as of late. It has been far from easy but with the support of our friends and family we are making it through. Thank you for all your support and well wishes and for those of you struggling with similar things I am praying for you. This trial is tragic, it's life consuming, heart wrenching and so unbearable at times. Just know you're not alone. You are loved... and watched over and cared for.... by a loving Heavenly Father. Cry, get mad and let it out but... DO NOT GIVE UP! Be hopeful and have faith. Despite what we have been through and the trials we have faced... I can not help but know with all my heart that everything will be ok.
[[ to my 3 (maybe 4) angel babies in Heaven. you are so loved. xo ]]
