Shortly after Roman was born Mason and I both realized that if we wanted to have our babies no more than 2 year apart, like we had planned, we would need to start deciding what we wanted to do next. In October of last year were referred by my doctor to the leading specialist in recurrent miscarriage in the United States, who happens to practice at the University of Utah twice a week. I was so excited for that appointment. He was booked out for about month so we didn't meet with him until November. Mason took the morning off of work so we could go to this doctor's appointment together. When we got there we headed into the consultation office and he came in with an assistant where they went through every single medical record they could find for me. They looked over lists of tests, procedures, results, surgeries, medications, miscarriages, pages of notes and every doctor or ER visit all the way back to my senior year of high school. After he reviewed my records and asked me a few questions about results of procedures he began to list the five various tests or procedures that he does on all of his patients. All of which my current fertility doctor had already performed, except ONE. He said that my medical history was spotless and that the fertility doctor I had been meeting with had seemingly covered all of his bases, but there was a chromosomal test that Mason and I could have done that would not be covered under insurance, but could potentially solve our problem. They would take 8 vials of blood from me and 4 from Mason and test to see if for some reason our chromosomes were having issues matching up correctly. It was going to be pricey and it was going to be a 50/50 shot but if that test came back with abnormal results we would know that, that was where the issue was. And it was something that could possibly be fixed by doing invitro. How could we not? This could be it! The answer! It was worth it. So we opted to have the test performed and waited patiently for the results. A week later we received a phone call letting us know that there were NO issues with our chromosomes and that there was no other tests or procedures that this specialist could do. I remember the chromosomal specialist saying something along the lines of "sometimes these things just go unexplained." My heart sank.
What more could we do than continue to try? So we tried that November. And guess what, I got pregnant. Those two pink lines showed up and I cried and celebrated for two days... before I suffered my fifth miscarriage. Two days before Christmas. I took a break to let my body recover. Prayed with my husband and we decided that it was time to try something different.
I met with my doctor in January and he told me that we could try Intrauterine Insemination, or IUI. He also suggested that I try a different medication to help me ovulate, since I had been using Clomid for well over three years now. We decided to hold off on IUI for a month or two and switch to Femora and see if that medication worked before we spent the money on IUI. But February came and I didn't ovulate. So we tried
it again. March came and we tested and I got that positive ovulation test! SO we tried the good old fashion way. I knew from my lack of symptoms that this month didn't work either. After speaking with my doctor we decided to switch BACK to Clomid since we knew that it had worked for us before. But now we had to decide what we were going to do... continue to try on our own or give IUI a shot.
At the beginning of April I spoke to Mason and told him that as much as I had tried to deny it I had been prompted to change my lifestyle as far as eating goes. I have always been a sugar and soda addict. I have never dieted or eaten "healthy." I always just ate what I wanted and didn't give much attention to what I was putting in my body. After talking to Mason, not only was he supportive, but he offered to do it all with me. So that was that, we hired a dietician and began making changes that same week. It started with two days of ONLY raw fruits and veggies and evolved into juice cleanses, cutting soda, sugar, carbs, preservatives and all kinds of other things that could possibly be hindering my ability to carry a baby to full term. I did EVERYTHING I could. I never cheated. I never slowed down. I never questioned what we were doing. And if you know me you know that this was a huge struggle and a huge trial for me in and of itself. I loved my soda and gummy worms and it was not small sacrifice for me to give it all up. I was committed to what we were doing and so was Mason. We lost weight and got into the best shape we had been in in years. I was feeling GOOD. Like reallllly good. And I was happy with how I felt. I no longer depended on sugar or caffeine for energy and I was drinking water and actually enjoying it! We were ready. We made the decision to do IUI and right before we did the procedure we one last cleanse to make sure my body was in perfect working order. The cleanse went perfectly and I got a nice strong positive on my ovulation test. So the next morning we went into the doctors office and had the IUI done. I came straight home and put my feet up and laid on the couch for hours. I was eating healthy and drinking water and taking prenatal vitamins. I started getting a few symptoms and anticipated that positive pregnancy test....
I tested.... Negative.
Next day.... Negative.
Next day... Negative.
My hopes were shot.
One last time.... I tested.... and it was negative.
I was devastated. I cried for days. I blamed God. I blamed my body. I blamed myself. I went through feelings of regret for thinking that this diet would help. I went through feelings of resentment to people around me. I felt alone and lost and didn't know what the next step should be. I spoke with my doctor and he told me that the first round is the least likely to work. SO... of course...we wanted to try again. So we did. I got back on the band wagon. I got back in the right state of mind and kicked my butt back into gear. I counted my days, I prayed, I dieted, I took it easy and took care of myself and kept my stress levels low. And we got a strong positive ovulation test. And we did the procedure. And I knew that this was it! I would be pregnant. I was nauseous, my boobs hurt, I was tired and grumpy and I knew I was gonna be pregnant. How could I not be? I had been pregnant before and there was NO WAY that this wouldn't work. All of the odds were in my favor. SO I tested. I got 8 negative pregnancy tests before mother nature reared her ugly face and took away any lingering hope that I had for a pregnancy this month. That was at the end of June.
I hate infertility. Can I just say that? Is that ok? To be that candid? To say what millions of other women are thinking but don't want to say out loud? It's not ok. It's not fair. And despite how many messages of hope or stories of "happy endings" you hear it never gets easier. No matter what you do, if you can't get pregnant or can't carry a child... the struggle is REAL. Now don't get me wrong... Roman is the light of my life, my world, my absolute everything. He is my light at the end of the tunnel. My little sweetheart. I never take him for granted and I will always feel so blessed to have him. Over the past few months I have had people say to me "why don't you just adopt again?" or "you could always adopt again." And of course we have kept that thought in our minds and we hope to adopt again one day, but adoption does not rid you heart of that yearning to carry a child in your belly. To create life. To be pregnant and huge and uncomfortable but SO, SO happy. The struggle is still there. The pain is still there. It never goes away. I am not trying to be negative, or pessimistic. I am just being realistic. The past few months have been hard. I have cried a lot. I have felt hopeless and alone. I have been in a constant state of confusion. What do we do next? Mason and I decided to take a break this month and give my body and emotions a little rest. We even booked last minute flight and enjoyed our first family vacation and rejoiced in the happiness that Roman has brought to our family.
On this past Saturday Mason and I got to attend the sealing of one of our close friends to her sweetheart. We were sitting in the waiting room before the sealing and he shared a sweet impression that he had that we needed to pray, and pray HARD about what to do next, whether it be adopt or continue to try and get pregnant. Which a lot of you are thinking... "yeah... duh... of course you need to pray!" But if you know Mason, he is a pretty soft spoken person. And I think I can count on my hand the number of times in the 7 years that I have known him that he has ever looked me in the eyes and told me that he had a strong impression to do something. SO... we are gonna pray. And hope. And ask for guidance on what to do next. And I have hope in that. I know that despite how many times I am mad or frustrated with God or no matter how many times I yell at Him and blame Him for this trial or ask WHY this is happening to me. Or question what His plan is for me or if He even has one... I know He will answer my prayers. I know God will come through for me because I always come through for Him. And no matter how many times I feel like giving up on Him, He will never ever give up on me.
