Sometimes things just don't go as planned...

So this month Mason and I were able to celebrate our 2 years anniversary! Woot woot! My wonderful husband planned a 4 day, 3 night trip to Park City without me knowing! He told me we were going somewhere, what to pack and then made me cover my eyes for half of the trip. Little cutie. He made me hold my pillow in front of my face for about 10 minutes while we got off the freeway and stopped... somewhere. I had no idea. Then he ripped the pillow down and yelled "SURPRISE!" And we were at the ZOO!

He is just the sweetest. We spent the day at the zoo together and acted like kids, which is my favorite thing to do with Mason. I don't think we will ever grow up all the way.

After the zoo we headed to Park City and he didn't make me cover my eyes anymore :) We stayed at our fave resort, Westgate, and went shopping, visited the Olympic Park, went swimming and hot tubbing and Mason even took me to a chick flick one of the days! We slept in and played Wii U on the big screen in our bedroom and went to a fancy dinner at Edge Steakhouse our last night there. It was the best. It's a good thing we went a week early on our trip too because the night of our anniversary was one to remember... but not in the best way. Mason and I both got food poisoning and ended up at the hospital through the night. We even had to call my dad to come pick us up. We got heavy pain killers for abdominal pains, lots of liquids because we were dehydrated and some stomach medicine that made us pretty much pass out into a coma for about 2 days straight. The nurses felt so bad when we told them it was our anniversary they even pushed our beds together. Talk about an anniversary to remember.

Our month has been pretty great. We are blessed beyond reason and can see how well Heavenly Father is taking care of us... even if we don't always feel like we deserve it. Although this month has been mostly "ups" and not so many "downs" we did receive a piece of not so welcomed news on our way to Park City. As I told you last time our doctors upped my dose of CloMed to the highest dose that they will allow me to take. All month I had horrible, frequent hot flashes followed by headaches, and severe mood swings that made me feel cray cray... so I thought FOR SURE the CloMed was working its magic. However, it turns out that it wasn't. I have my doctor and the nurses stumped because even though I followed the "baby makin calendar" to a "T," took all my pills, watched for symptoms and got my blood taken on the right day... my progesterone was only a 4. Even lower than last month. How that's possible since we upped my dose I have no clue and neither do the nurses or my doctor really. So Mason and I have decided to get some other opinions. I have 2 appointments with 2 different doctors in American Fork in June. One of them works hand in hand with Utah Fertility Center so we are excited to give that a try, and then the other doctor works at a clinic I used to go to when I was younger. We are going to listen to both of their perspectives and courses of treatment and see who we feel would be a good fit for us. We loved Dr. Twede and I would recommend him to anyone but unfortunately he doesn't take my insurance which is kind of forcing our hand in having to try new doctors. But I figure there is probably a reason for it because I strongly believe there is a reason for everything, especially through this process. You just kind of have to believe it. So we are getting all my records sent over so the other doctors can review them and then it's back to the drawing board. Hopefully someone can give me some answers soon. I am so done waiting... and my heart re-breaks every month when my tests come back with negative answers. We are almost at 2 years of trying and 1 year of infertility treatment. That blows my mind! I keep thinking, "God, anytime now would be great!" but then I have to stop myself and remember that He does have a plan. And even though it's so so so hard somedays... I need to remain faithful and hopeful. I really wonder what that plan is sometimes but I know that whatever it is God is going to take care of me, Mason and our little future family. Feel free to come anytime babies... we are ready for ya!

Aside from that we finished designing our house from top to bottom, we are puppy shopping, and saving money to go pick our furniture and appliances for our new home! October can't come fast enough! I also got a new job at Amara Day Spa in Orem and I absolutely love it. 

All in all my message this time is sometimes things just don't go as planned. You can hope and hope and imagine things going one way but that doesn't meant they will. I don't mean for that to sound sad or "woah-is-me" but it is the harsh truth. I planned on being pregnant this month. There... I said it... but you know what, I'm not. And surprisingly, after a few days to mull it over, I am okay with it. As okay as one can be in my situation. And the only reason that is the case is because I know without a sliver of doubt in my mind that God has a plan. He knows me, He thinks of me, and He is waiting for the right time to send me one of His sweetest spirits to care for. We may be down here on Earth scratching our heads and questioning what in the heck is going on but there is no need to trouble our hearts with the what-ifs and the if-onlys. It's best to look up and to say... "I trust you." I trust my Heavenly Father. I struggle daily with the fact that I am not a mother yet, and I cry multiple times throughout the weeks and months because it hurts my heart to the very core. More than anything I have experienced before. But because Christ suffered for our sins and took upon Himself our pains and sorrows I know that I am not alone in that sadness. I am not alone in this trial. I am never, ever alone. He is with me, He knows me and sometimes things don't go as planned here on Earth but it's only because God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine in store for me. And there is no sweeter knowledge than that.

A Progesterone Dip && Hospital Trip

So as briefly mentioned in the last post... Mason and I are building a house! YAY!! We chose a beautiful lot above Highland Highway. It has a gorgeous view of the valley and is being built in the first of 9 phases of development in that area. Our home is going to have a walkout basement, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and an unfinished basement to grow into. We couldn't be more excited. We met with that architect last week to make all of the adjustments to the floor plan and finalize how the home was going to be built. It was so fun to customize our little home and we can't wait to see how it turns out! Then next step will be to customize the exterior of the home and then our last appointment will allow us to customize everything on the inside!
Besides that we have still been trying to get pregnant. Duh. The house has been keeping me nice and distracted for the most part but Mother's Day did bring up some sad feelings for both Mason and I. Me more than him. I just let myself think about how far along I would have been by now, and that I would know the sex of the baby and that Mason and I would be celebrating my first year as a mother. I let those feelings consume me for just a few little moments throughout the day before I quickly reminded myself of the other blessings in my life. Namely... Mason. Mason is amazing. He bought me beautiful flowers on Saturday and brought them home with him after work. He reminded me that I don't need to have kids to be a mother. I am a mother. To my close friends, my
family members and other loved ones... what is a mother but someone who is loving, nurturing, protective and proud of the people she is a mother to. Sheri Dew's talk called "Aren't we all Mothers?" is amazing and I highly recommend it to those of you struggling with infertility! It is uplifting and speaks to those of us who long to be mothers but for whatever reason have not been able to take part in that wonderful blessing of motherhood.
Last month my progesterone level was shockingly, and for no apparent reason, extremely low. An 8 to be exact. Now remember to have any chance of being pregnant it has to be a 17 or higher. An 8.... is heart wrenching. And the worst part is we had no idea why. I took all of the pills, took them on time and made sure to follow the calendar to a tee. So when the doctor called they upped my dose of Clomed again and told me to change just a couple things in my regimen to help. When it comes to Clomed the recommended dose is 1-2 pills, once a day for 5 days. You start at one pill and if that doesn't work move to two. We made that switch in January and I began taking 2 pills everyday for 5 days. Well the highest Clomed dose that is allowed is 3 pills or 150 mg. That's what they bumped me to this month. So fingers crossed that this works and that if it does I can carry to full term with no issues. If I have a third miscarriage we will have to begin tests to figure out what is going on that is not allowing me to carry to full term. If the Clomed doesn't work at this dose than it is back to the drawing board to start from square one. Yikes.... we really don't want that.
Aside from all of that we had a scare earlier this month. I always have horrible cramps when I begin
my cycle. Like the kind that make you have to call into work, lay in bed all day and keep yourself drugged up on IB profin and Midol with a heating pad on your stomach. This month though it was way worse than it should have been. Scary bad, I dare say equal to that of my last miscarriage. I called Mason and he rushed home and took me to the ER. They took a few ultrasounds, a lot of blood and gave me a hefty dose of Morphine to kill the pain. They found a lot of fluid in my lower abdomen and determined that it was an ovarian cyst about 2 CM that had ruptured. That doesn't sound big, but it is compared to that tiny little ovary it was attached to. I have had cysts before but this was by far the biggest. And so was the pain. Being in the hospital brought back a lot of bad memories from the night I miscarried. It was like living it all over again. Same tests, same pains and same feelings of fear. I think that hurt the most. We drove by the hospital last night on our way home and without even realizing it I was gazing at it out the window. Mason grabbed my hand and said "We have a lot of bad memories there, but not to long and we will have the happiest memory of our whole life there." He is the sweetest. And I know he is right. This whole hardship, for lack of a better term, sucks. It has really tested my body and mine and Mason's patience and understanding. But one day when I'm 7 months pregnant and holding my belly while that little angel kicks around in there I am going to look back and say I'd do it all over again. I am going to love that little nugget more than they will ever know. And just like Mason reminded me last night... that hospital is going to be the place where we receive the greatest blessing of our lives and then it won't be such a bad place anymore. It will be the place where we met and fell in love with our long-awaited little Rosebud.