I'm Back!

Hi, Guys! I'm back! It has been a really long time since I have written anything in this blog. The last time I wrote was just before our sweet Roman was born and since then I have been pretty occupied with our little boy! But I think its about time to catch you all up.

Shortly after Roman was born Mason and I both realized that if we wanted to have our babies no more than 2 year apart, like we had planned, we would need to start deciding what we wanted to do next. In October of last year were referred by my doctor to the leading specialist in recurrent miscarriage in the United States, who happens to practice at the University of Utah twice a week. I was so excited for that appointment. He was booked out for about month so we didn't meet with him until November. Mason took the morning off of work so we could go to this doctor's appointment together. When we got there we headed into the consultation office and he came in with an assistant where they went through every single medical record they could find for me. They looked over lists of tests, procedures, results, surgeries, medications, miscarriages, pages of notes and every doctor or ER visit all the way back to my senior year of high school. After he reviewed my records and asked me a few questions about results of procedures he began to list the five various tests or procedures that he does on all of his patients. All of which my current fertility doctor had already performed, except ONE. He said that my medical history was spotless and that the fertility doctor I had been meeting with had seemingly covered all of his bases, but there was a chromosomal test that Mason and I could have done that would not be covered under insurance, but could potentially solve our problem. They would take 8 vials of blood from me and 4 from Mason and test to see if for some reason our chromosomes were having issues matching up correctly. It was going to be pricey and it was going to be a 50/50 shot but if that test came back with abnormal results we would know that, that was where the issue was. And it was something that could possibly be fixed by doing invitro. How could we not? This could be it! The answer! It was worth it. So we opted to have the test performed and waited patiently for the results. A week later we received a phone call letting us know that there were NO issues with our chromosomes and that there was no other tests or procedures that this specialist could do. I remember the chromosomal specialist saying something along the lines of "sometimes these things just go unexplained." My heart sank.

What more could we do than continue to try? So we tried that November. And guess what, I got pregnant. Those two pink lines showed up and I cried and celebrated for two days... before I suffered my fifth miscarriage. Two days before Christmas. I took a break to let my body recover. Prayed with my husband and we decided that it was time to try something different.

I met with my doctor in January and he told me that we could try Intrauterine Insemination, or IUI. He also suggested that I try a different medication to help me ovulate, since I had been using Clomid for well over three years now. We decided to hold off on IUI for a month or two and switch to Femora and see if that medication worked before we spent the money on IUI. But February came and I didn't ovulate. So we tried




it again. March came and we tested and I got that positive ovulation test! SO we tried the good old fashion way. I knew from my lack of symptoms that this month didn't work either. After speaking with my doctor we decided to switch BACK to Clomid since we knew that it had worked for us before. But now we had to decide what we were going to do... continue to try on our own or give IUI a shot.

At the beginning of April I spoke to Mason and told him that as much as I had tried to deny it I had been prompted to change my lifestyle as far as eating goes. I have always been a sugar and soda addict. I have never dieted or eaten "healthy." I always just ate what I wanted and didn't give much attention to what I was putting in my body. After talking to Mason, not only was he supportive, but he offered to do it all with me. So that was that, we hired a dietician and began making changes that same week. It started with two days of ONLY raw fruits and veggies and evolved into juice cleanses, cutting soda, sugar, carbs, preservatives and all kinds of other things that could possibly be hindering my ability to carry a baby to full term. I did EVERYTHING I could. I never cheated. I never slowed down. I never questioned what we were doing. And if you know me you know that this was a huge struggle and a huge trial for me in and of itself. I loved my soda and gummy worms and it was not small sacrifice for me to give it all up. I was committed to what we were doing and so was Mason. We lost weight and got into the best shape we had been in in years. I was feeling GOOD. Like reallllly good. And I was happy with how I felt. I no longer depended on sugar or caffeine for energy and I was drinking water and actually enjoying it! We were ready. We made the decision to do IUI and right before we did the procedure we one last cleanse to make sure my body was in perfect working order. The cleanse went perfectly and I got a nice strong positive on my ovulation test. So the next morning we went into the doctors office and had the IUI done. I came straight home and put my feet up and laid on the couch for hours. I was eating healthy and drinking water and taking prenatal vitamins. I started getting a few symptoms and anticipated that positive pregnancy test....

I tested.... Negative.
Next day.... Negative.
Next day... Negative.
My hopes were shot.
One last time.... I tested.... and it was negative.

I was devastated. I cried for days. I blamed God. I blamed my body. I blamed myself. I went through feelings of regret for thinking that this diet would help. I went through feelings of resentment to people around me. I felt alone and lost and didn't know what the next step should be. I spoke with my doctor and he told me that the first round is the least likely to work. SO... of course...we wanted to try again. So we did. I got back on the band wagon. I got back in the right state of mind and kicked my butt back into gear. I counted my days, I prayed, I dieted, I took it easy and took care of myself and kept my stress levels low. And we got a strong positive ovulation test. And we did the procedure. And I knew that this was it! I would be pregnant. I was nauseous, my boobs hurt, I was tired and grumpy and I knew I was gonna be pregnant. How could I not be? I had been pregnant before and there was NO WAY that this wouldn't work. All of the odds were in my favor. SO I tested. I got 8 negative pregnancy tests before mother nature reared her ugly face and took away any lingering hope that I had for a pregnancy this month. That was at the end of June.

I hate infertility. Can I just say that? Is that ok? To be that candid? To say what millions of other women are thinking but don't want to say out loud? It's not ok. It's not fair. And despite how many messages of hope or stories of "happy endings" you hear it never gets easier. No matter what you do, if you can't get pregnant or can't carry a child... the struggle is REAL. Now don't get me wrong... Roman is the light of my life, my world, my absolute everything. He is my light at the end of the tunnel. My little sweetheart. I never take him for granted and I will always feel so blessed to have him. Over the past few months I have had people say to me "why don't you just adopt again?" or "you could always adopt again." And of course we have kept that thought in our minds and we hope to adopt again one day, but adoption does not rid you heart of that yearning to carry a child in your belly. To create life. To be pregnant and huge and uncomfortable but SO, SO happy. The struggle is still there. The pain is still there. It never goes away. I am not trying to be negative, or pessimistic. I am just being realistic. The past few months have been hard. I have cried a lot. I have felt hopeless and alone. I have been in a constant state of confusion. What do we do next? Mason and I decided to take a break this month and give my body and emotions a little rest. We even booked last minute flight and enjoyed our first family vacation and rejoiced in the happiness that Roman has brought to our family.

On this past Saturday Mason and I got to attend the sealing of one of our close friends to her sweetheart. We were sitting in the waiting room before the sealing and he shared a sweet impression that he had that we needed to pray, and pray HARD about what to do next, whether it be adopt or continue to try and get pregnant. Which a lot of you are thinking... "yeah... duh... of course you need to pray!" But if you know Mason, he is a pretty soft spoken person. And I think I can count on my hand the number of times in the 7 years that I have known him that he has ever looked me in the eyes and told me that he had a strong impression to do something. SO... we are gonna pray. And hope. And ask for guidance on what to do next. And I have hope in that. I know that despite how many times I am mad or frustrated with God or no matter how many times I yell at Him and blame Him for this trial or ask WHY this is happening to me. Or question what His plan is for me or if He even has one... I know He will answer my prayers. I know God will come through for me because I always come through for Him. And no matter how many times I feel like giving up on Him, He will never ever give up on me.

MINI SESSIONS

First of all let me give you a little update on how baby boy is doing: On June 25th Ashley had a check up and was sent to the hospital. She was 27 weeks and 4 days and dilated to a 2. So the doctor informed her that baby boy is going to be coming earlier than we thought! The doctor gave baby a steroid shot that will help his lungs develop quicker than normal. Ashley went back for a second shot the next day. The shots will help so that when he does come he will be a little baby, but all of his organs and his lungs should be developed correctly and earlier than normal! All we know is that he won't be in there full term, he will definitely be an early little guy. It really could be anytime now... So we are asking for lots of prayers for Ashley and our sweet baby boy!

With that being said I am only going to be booking mini-sessions through the end of July to make sure that I am available to leave once baby boy decides to make his debut! So with the holidays and everything there will be limited spots!

When you message me we can figure out what day works best for you and get you scheduled!

For a $50 donation your session includes:
30 minutes of shooting
10+ edited images on a disc or sent to you via email/dropbox in full resolution.
Groups of up to 5 people
Travel to locations throughout Utah County ONLY

All payments can be made directly to our "YouCaring" fundraising account, (link below.) ALL donations are going to be used to pay for the lawyers fees, travel expenses and hospital expenses for our baby boy Rose! If you are unable to participate in our photography fundraiser but would still like to donate you can do so at the link below!

We love you all and I can not wait to see all of you who choose to book a session with me! Thanks so much for your support, it means the world to Mason and I. We are forever grateful.

Visit our "YouCaring" fundraiser page to make a payment for a session or make a donation:
http://www.youcaring.com/mason-and-randi-rose-380581

Our Adoption Match

It was mid-March 2015 when we finally got our adoption profile approved and posted on adoption.com. I remember the entire day after we finally posted it that I anxiously watched my email and phone as if calls would just start pouring in! But nothing. The first few days I was on the site ALL day checking stats and looking at how many people had viewed our page. On Saturday April 4th at about 9 pm I was coloring Easter eggs with family and friends and my phone started ringing... it was a number I did not recognize. My heart stopped and I ran into the front room to answer it. There was a quiet and timid voice on the other end of the line. She was crying and clearly upset. She introduced herself and told me that she was on the search for a couple to adopt a little girl that she was due with in three weeks. She was from New Mexico and was 24. I talked to her for a moment and then decided to leave to go home and meet Mason... we were going to Skype with her. Before we knew it was after midnight and we had been talking to this birth mom over Skype for almost 3 hours! We prayed with her, she was having contractions so we helped her count them and how far apart they were, we told her about our religion and answered her questions, we talked about when the baby was due and our plans for parenthood.... and then at almost 2 AM, while we were on Skype with her, she went into labor. She buckled over and said "When can you guys be here!?" We told her we could look at flights and she screamed "just hurry" and closed her computer. I immediately text her, no answer. One more text before bed... no answer. The next morning I woke up and had no messages or calls from her. So I text her and in response she sent me a picture of a beautiful baby girl wrapped in pink. My heart felt like it might explode. I showed Mason but neither of us could shake this weird feeling, this wasn't right. So I tried to call her and she ignored my call. She text me instantly and said she had bad service at the hospital. I asked her how she was feeling... no answer. At the same time my phone buzzed from a new notification on Facebook... I had been added to a private Facebook group for hopeful adoptive couples who are using adoption.com. As I began to scroll through the page I was reading post after post after post about "scams." . I kept skimming through the page and before I knew it I was checking every post for the name or number of our sweet birth mom... and boom. There it was. Here name, her number, her story - marked "EMOTIONAL SCAM." I posted my own paragraph asking who had talked to her and more about their experience. One couple had flown ALL the way to New Mexico, gone to the hospital, only to get there and find no one checked in under her name, turn right around and come home empty handed and heart broken. I asked "what about the picture she sent?" and a sweet mom told me how to " reverse google search" the image. So I did. And a blog belonging to someone across the country popped up. Different name, different city, different story... I broke down. So I decided to call the hospital in New Mexico, where she was from. I called all 3 hospitals in her city and no one at any of them by her name. Mason held me as I cried. We couldn't understand the thought process of a person in her situation... To prey on such vulnerable and willing people, just for a moment of "emotional attachment." Later that evening after we had finally started to feel at peace, she called us. Mason answered and the first thing he said is "we are starting to wonder if this is even real..." and CLICK. She hung up. We called back and she had blocked our number. We never heard from her again.

After that experience I avoided my profile all week. I didn't want to fall victim to those feelings again and the thought that it could happen again scared me. It wasn't until the following Friday night, April 17th, that I finally logged onto our page. I posted a few more pictures and wrote a post about taking our niece and nephew on a road trip and changed a few pieces of our bio page. That was late at night around 11 pm. I began to feel hopeful again and prayed hard that someone would find us! I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and of hope, again. I logged off and went to bed.
The next day I was at work at when I checked my phone and saw I had a missed call... from a number with a different area code. My heart skipped a beat. I stepped outside and called the number back. The voice on the other line said, "Hello," and I asked for a girl named Ashley that had called me about placing her baby with us. The sweet girl on the other end of the line explained her situation, a little bit about herself. She was 19 years old and 16 weeks pregnant. She lived in Oklahoma but had been raised in Utah and as a member of the LDS church.
I fell in love with Ashley instantly! I talked to her for about a half hour while I was pacing around outside of my work and I could not shake this instant, strong, emotional connection that I felt with this amazing young woman! When we hung up I called Mason in tears and said, "this is it." I could hear Mason getting emotional over the phone as we talked about my conversation with Ashley. After I hung up with him Ashley sent me her most recent ultrasounds and crocodile tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt so strongly about this experience. It had such a peaceful and real feeling to it. It was so much different than what we had experienced with our last contact. The following day Mason and I got to talk to Ashley on the phone for a while. She informed us that we are the only family she was talking to and that she had searched pages of families and had felt connected to our story and to us! She wanted to continue talking and preparing to place her baby with us. Mason and I wanted to be optimistic but we also were very timid because of our previous experience. But, we could not shake the feeling that this was right. I don't think we have ever prayed that hard or that often as we did those first few days. We could not shake and did not want to ignore the amazing connection we had made with our sweet Ashley! We continued to talk and bond with Ashley over the next few weeks! After talking to Ashley almost every day and getting to know everything we could about her and visa-versa, she told us that we were who she had chosen to place her baby with. May 11th was the day that she was finding out the gender and she wanted to share it with us as soon as she could. So there we were, in Universal Studios in Florida, sitting in the back corner of a restaurant, waiting for her to call. She was going to face time us as soon as she was out of the appointment. We waited and waited and Mason even fell asleep and before we knew it our phone was ringing. Below is a video of the moment we found out. We were beyond excited to find out that we were going to be welcoming little BOY rose to our family. Ashley sent us some ultrasound pictures that day and it's been the background on my phone ever since.

 After that we couldn't wait any longer to make baby purchases. After all we had already waited THREE years! First purchase, my dream stroller and car seat. And slowly we started gathering baby things! Clothes, a diaper bag, crib, car seat, stroller, diapers and more. We have recently finished painting the accent wall in our nursery and are getting ready to register for baby things! I still text Ashley almost every day and she has been so amazing about making us feel like we are already that little boy's parents. We are so beyond happy that we recently got to share our exciting news with all of you as well! We can not adequately express how grateful and beyond excited we are to be parents! Thank you ALL for your love and support. We love you!

I also just want to give a special thank you and we love you to our beautiful, amazing birth mama, Ashley. We adore you and really love that you have become part of our little family. We can't wait to share all of Baby Boy's milestones with you and enjoy sharing his life together. We are eternally grateful for your brave decision and the selfless love that you have for our little buddy. You are strong and beautiful inside and out and we feel so grateful that we get to know you and experience this with YOU. You will forever be so special to us.

All of our love,
Randi and Mason

Our family is growing! We're just not sure when!

As most of you know Mason and I have been trying to
grow our little family for almost 3 years now. We have been through so much; Infertility treatments, doctor's appointments, medications, tests, procedures, 2 miscarriages and an emergency surgery, plus numerous other emotional and physical trials. After a lot of thought and prayer we finally came to the decision that ADOPTION is our next step! We are so excited to finally be on this journey and can not wait to grow our family through adoption. We have both had some amazing experiences over the last few months and we know, without a doubt, that there is a perfect little baby out there waiting for us!

Here are our answers to some of the questions that we have been asked by all of the people we have shared our exciting news with! 

Are we using an agency?

Nope! Not yet at least. We have chosen to do a domestic (state-side), private adoption. This means that we will be adopting a child within the United States, and instead of paying to go through an agency we are going to be sharing our story through social media and online profiles, as well as word of mouth, to try and find our perfect match!

Where are we in the process?

Mason and I made this decision clear back in October! After a lot of prayer, studying, fasting and a few trips to the temple, we knew that this was our next step! In October, after we had made that decision, we met with a counselor from LDS Family Services. Unfortunately, LDS family services doesn't facilitate adoptions anymore. They now work with birth moms to help them find the perfect family to adopt their child out to. They do that by hosting a website called itsaboutlove.org where potential adoptive parents, (like me and Mason,) post a profile with information, links to their blog, videos and pictures. LDS Family Services then directs birth moms to that website in order to help them find the perfect family to place their child with. In order to get our profile posted on "itsaboutlove" we first had to complete a "home study." This has been a long process with A LOT of paper work, A LOT of questions and a few interviews as well as a home inspection. We began our home study in December of 2014 right before Christmas. After a lot of paperwork and question answering we are finally at the interview process! This is the part where we meet our case worker and she asks us lots of questions to make sure that we are fit to be parents! Tomorrow, February 28th, is our FRIST interview!! We can not wait. All of our paperwork is finally in and this is one of the last steps before we are finally approved to adopt! Our last of the two interviews will be Thursday March 5th! After that we just wait until we are approved! Then a few last steps and in order to get our profile posted on "It's About Love!"

How can you help?

Click the "Help Us Adopt" button on the right side of the page to read about what you can do! Since we are doing a private adoption it is up to us, with the help of our family and friends, to find the perfect match for our family. You can help us by spreading the word!

We are so so so SO excited to be sharing our big news with all of our friends and family. We are so grateful for the love and support that we have recieved from everyone we know and love! We can not WAIT to be parents and are looking forward to meeting our sweet little baby Rose, hopefully in the not so distant future. Please feel free to e-mail us at randitherose@gmail.com!

Testing, testing... 1, 2, 3.

Thursday the 18th of December I went in for my doctor's appointment at Valley OBGYN. We met with doctor Jones and discussed where we were at in the process and made him aware of our failed attempt at getting the HSG test done. He was confused and decided it was best to do an exam and take a look at things. When he did that he said that it all looked good and normal and that he wanted me to schedule an HSG... for that day! So I called into work and got the rest of the day off and that afternoon went to the hospital for the test. This time I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen and wasn't near as nervous. I felt pretty excited actually to finally get SOMETHING accomplished. I feel like ever since my surgery we have been at somewhat of a standstill. So here went nothing. I went in and had that same nurse and radiologist as last time so it was easy. We got all set up andddddd it about killed me when they went to insert the tube to inject the dye. I screamed and began crying like a big baby. I was so mad at myself! I told them I was fine and to try again and so they did and AGAIN. What in the world. The radiologist stepped out again and called my doctor and they talked and when he came back in he said that Dr. Jones had a few options for me and would be able to explain them to me tonight. He said that Dr. Jones was in clinical and would be able to call me after he got off work. I was so mad. I was frustrated and felt dumb and weak and disappointed. So I went home and rested and cried and then when Dr. Jones called he made me feel a little better. He talked about possible doing the HSG with him in the procedure room so that he could apply a local anesthetic and see if that helped with the pain. I just told him that I had been through that pain twice and couldn't see myself going back in a THIRD time and conquering it. I was petrified of trying again because of how bad it hurt and asked if there was anything else we could try. So he suggested a hysteroscopy. He said I would come into the office, they would put me under and just insert a small tube with a light and camera on the end up into my uterus. He would look around and take some pictures and make sure that there wasn't a uterine septum or any other factors preventing me from getting prgnant and carrying to full term! So I agreed to that procedure and the doctor siad that we only had a couple of days before it would be time for Mason and I to try to get pregnant again. Dr Jones said he would call his surgery scheduler and that she would contact me the next day to let me know if I could get in before the following Tuesday. Sure enough, she called and we got it scheduled and Monday night at 4:15 PM I went in to get the procedure done. I was scared of course because I didn't really know what to expect, but Dr. Jones was really nice and helped ease my crazy nerves. Mason came with me and got me all set up. We talked to Dr. Jones about all of the different things he would look at and asked a ton of questions. He decided to also take a small biopsy of my cervix to make sure there was no infection or anything wrong there. So into the procedure room I went and the last thing I remember was talking to the anesthesiologist about was soap. He had handed me a small homemade bar from him and his wife. When I woke up they wheeled me into the room where Mason was waiting I remember he kept telling me that we would talk about the results later when I was more awake and could talk a little bit better, but I kept insisting that he tell me what they found. He told me that everything looked good and nothing was wrong and I kept calling him a liar. Oh boy... me on drugs. When Dr. Jones came in to talk to us the first thing I asked was if Mason was lying and the doctor laughed and told me that no he was not lying and that everything really did go perfectly and that there was absolutely nothing wrong or abnormal in my uterus. The last thing I remember was the doctor telling me that I just needed to relax and try again without worrying. He said he had a good feeling about this month. Mason dragged my little drugged self home and I passed out for the rest of the night. We are still waiting for results from the cervical biopsy and should receive those sometime next week. I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated that I didn't get any additional information or find something that could be easily cured so that our worries of more miscarriages would be eliminated. Because I was. I was sad and frustrated. But when it comes down to it I am happy that there was nothing that would prevent us from ever getting pregnant. Nothing life changing was found but we definitely feel more at peace and can rest easy knowing I am healthy! I still have hope and am going to stay positive! As for next steps... TRY AGAIN! Hope you all had a beautiful Christmas.

Sink or Swim

Sometimes... I just want to lay in my bed and cry all day long. And I know, you are thinking, yikes. She crazy. But I really am not. I think one of the harder things about infertility is that when we are trying to get pregnant it is nothing but a countdown, day by day, step by step. So time crawls by and you watch for symptoms that you think may be pregnancy and constantly question if you are making it all up in your head or if you may actually be feeling symptoms of a growing baby. This month... that was me. FINALLY, Mason and I tried again. For the first time since my surgery. I was scared, but I took my Clomed at the dose that I was told to. Counted all of my days. Took ovulation tests, got THREE DAYS, of peak ovulation, and tried those days. Tried to cut out caffeine, eat somewhat healthy just in case. And I think I probably said about 10 simple, small, silent prayers throughout each day that this would be it... finally. Every time that Mason and I have followed the calender correctly, I have ovulated, and we have done all that we needed to and tried to get pregnant, we have gotten pregnant. So I have been counting down days until I could start testing and I just knew I was going to get a positive. I have taken 5 pregnancy test already, and they were all negative. Including the one I took this morning. All I have to say is... OUCH. My heart. I have had cramping, abdominal pains, nausea, fatigue, spotting, irritability, and mild headaches among other things I won't mention. All of these were early symptoms from my last few pregnancies. I could have SWORN I was going to get a positive. Here's another thing about infertility, no matter how many times you get a negative pregnancy test, it still shocks you, it still hurts you, and there is still a few sad days following that result. I can not describe that feeling. Because of my history of miscarriage and infertility I really try and keep my emotions in check, try not to plan things out, or dream of how I would announce my pregnancy, or how I would tell my family, or think through what months I would be pregnant, what I might wear or what I might look like 8 months pregnant, or when I would be due, if it would be a boy or a girl, how I would tell Mason, what it would feel like when we found out, what the doctor would have us do to try and keep this pregnancy, would this baby make it? Would it be any different? But... needless to say, and as you can see, those thoughts always come throughout those weeks of waiting. For those of you who have experienced any type of infertility I am sure at one point, you have felt these same things and thought through the same things I have during that waiting period. It's torture!

I have such a wonderful life, Mason and I have been blessed beyond measure. We receive blessings in many aspects of our lives, even when we feel that we aren't worthy, or that maybe we haven't done all we needed to to deserve those blessings. But they keep coming. And despite how sad I am sometimes, or how bad it hurts my heart to think about that little baby I wish I had, I can't deny God's hand in my life. It's like when I am about to sink he reaches down and rescues me.
When we moved into our home my parents offered to purchase a framed print of my favorite Christ picture for Mason and I. I knew which one I wanted and searched high and low for it and finally found it. It was shipped to their house and they brought it to our house warming/birthday dinner for me in mid-November. Yes this photo matched the color scheme in my living room which was a wonderful surprise but it also depicts a section of scripture that has become on of my favorites. 

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of goodcheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

What a beautiful reminder. I am afraid in so many ways. I am Peter. I have lost faith, I have questioned the Lord, and cried unto Him to save me. I constantly ask him to give me courage, show me mercy, and to give me the ability to start a family. I am scared to lose another baby, to feel that pain and heartache and experience everything that goes with that trial. And then every month that we try again, or take a step in the right direction, I show my faith. I walk on water, and when I find out that we are not pregnant or when I received that horrible news of dropping hormone levels and impending miscarriage... I sink. Every time I sink and I think I might drown I am amazed when I feel the Lord's hand reach down into the depths and pull me out. He truly saves me. I love the Him for that.

This month of trying was a hard one for me. I allowed myself to get my hopes up which I typically try to avoid. For anyone facing a trial of this magnitude, you know... there are good days and bad days, easy months and hard months, excitement and disappointment and an entire pool of other emotions that play a part. It is all how you choose to deal with them that counts. So I choose to be excited for the holidays! I choose to snuggle any baby I can get my hands on! I choose to look at my blessings and find things each day to be grateful for! I choose to surround myself with family and friends and to look at my wonderful husband and find happiness, and peace. I choose happiness. And let me tell you, that is up to you. Happiness is completely up to you. It's a choice. And that's my choice. There are too many reasons to be happy!

So next Thursday we have an appointment for a check up with Dr. Jones. I need to make sure the antibiotics did their job, reschedule my HSG test and go from there. Here's to hoping that we can get the ball rolling again as soon as possible! Mason and I need us a baby!

Hope this post finds you all enjoying your holidays! XOXO, Randi

Not what we expected.

Tuesday October 14th was the day Mason and I went to the American Fork Hospital to get the HSG test done. We showed up bright and early. They walked me back through Radiology and into a dressing room where changed into a hospital gown. They had me take a pregnancy test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant so that if I was we didn't drench the baby in dye. It was negative which was no surprise to me. After that I was taken into a connecting room with a large machine, a table of horrible looking tools and tubes The nurse was super nice to me because she could tell I was so nervous. I asked all kinds of questions and she answered them so sweetly. I laid back and waited for the doctor to enter the room. Mason was there with me and held my hand the whole time to try and help me calm my nerves... plus the doctor had a TV screen where we would see the dye going through my body and they told us we would be able to find out the results right there. Which made all of the nerves totally worth it!

The doctor came in and started to do the procedure, which was supposed to be uncomfortable but not painful.... I tried to remain calm and breathe and as he went to put the tube in so he could send the dye through I felt the tube hit something and let out a scream of pain. They told me to relax and that it wouldn't hurt and they tried again and BOOM... crazy pain and a curse word from me. The doctor stopped abruptly and told me he was going to take everything out and he did so quickly. I was watching and crying and the doctor waved the nurse out of the room. I looked at Mason in a panic and asked what was going on. He shrugged his shoulders and we just waited. I felt weird and scared and like something was wrong. They were there doing the procedure and then they were gone... and we were sitting there waiting. The doctor came back in and told me that he found some lesions and blisters on my cervix and because of that he was going to be unable to do the procedure. I started frantically asking what that meant and what causes it and if that was why it hurt so bad and he just kept saying that my OBGYN would be able to tell me all of that information. He said that he had put in a call to my doctor at Valley and that they were going to get me in right away to get an exam done. 

Off we went... no answers and a lot of new questions. We went in and Dr. Jones was unavailable so we saw a different doctor in the same office. He said that my cervix was in fairly bad shape and there were a few things it could be. The first thing he wanted me to do was to take an antibiotic since it could have been an  infection from the surgery or even from the progesterone suppository I had used while I was pregnant. He said to take the antibiotic for the rest of the month and then follow up with an appointment in November. 

Meanwhile, we did get the results back from my blood tests... NO Factor IV, NO lupus, NO anything! They all came back clean. Which you would think I would have been thrilled about, but my reaction was a little bit short of that. It was bittersweet. I was happy to have more possibilities crossed off the list and a little bit disappointed that we still don't know WHY I can't carry to full term. Or even past the first two months of pregnancy!
Ya know, there are times when I look at what Mason and I are facing right now with pregnancy, and how it is all we want and could ever wish for, and think... I could be bitter if I wanted. I mean would you blame me? I could be mad, frustrated or depressed and I don't think anyone would blame me one bit. But why would I do that? Why would I lose hope? Or why would I give up? When there is so much potential in this life to be a mother in so many different ways. Mason and I just moved into our first home together and  let me tell you it was nothing short of a spiritual and emotional experience for us both. I in-vision our home as being a safe haven for friends, family and most of all us and our future children. I want it to be nothing short of that. I can be a mother in the way I care for those I love and my ability to show them their worth through understanding, charity and undying compassion. I have that ability. I have been blessed in so many ways during this whole journey. I know I say that all the time. Although I have never faced tribulation quite like this I can't help but see the potential I have to learn from the experience and improve myself because of it.
Mason and I feel so blessed by all of the support we have received and the excitement and encouragement that you have all shown us while we build our home and plug along through this experience! I have loved talking to so many of you and offering counsel, advice, answering questions and being able to use something I've learned through hardship to help others.
I hope this post find you all happy, healthy and excited for the holidays! I know I am  :)

As for our house... it's official! Wahoo! We are homeowners. I love it! Once I get it all decorated I will show you pictures but as for now it is a little dusty and full of boxes. Lots of work for me to do over the next few weeks thats for sure. But I am oh-so happy to do it!

Happy Saturday!

Love,
Randi Rose