Sink or Swim

Sometimes... I just want to lay in my bed and cry all day long. And I know, you are thinking, yikes. She crazy. But I really am not. I think one of the harder things about infertility is that when we are trying to get pregnant it is nothing but a countdown, day by day, step by step. So time crawls by and you watch for symptoms that you think may be pregnancy and constantly question if you are making it all up in your head or if you may actually be feeling symptoms of a growing baby. This month... that was me. FINALLY, Mason and I tried again. For the first time since my surgery. I was scared, but I took my Clomed at the dose that I was told to. Counted all of my days. Took ovulation tests, got THREE DAYS, of peak ovulation, and tried those days. Tried to cut out caffeine, eat somewhat healthy just in case. And I think I probably said about 10 simple, small, silent prayers throughout each day that this would be it... finally. Every time that Mason and I have followed the calender correctly, I have ovulated, and we have done all that we needed to and tried to get pregnant, we have gotten pregnant. So I have been counting down days until I could start testing and I just knew I was going to get a positive. I have taken 5 pregnancy test already, and they were all negative. Including the one I took this morning. All I have to say is... OUCH. My heart. I have had cramping, abdominal pains, nausea, fatigue, spotting, irritability, and mild headaches among other things I won't mention. All of these were early symptoms from my last few pregnancies. I could have SWORN I was going to get a positive. Here's another thing about infertility, no matter how many times you get a negative pregnancy test, it still shocks you, it still hurts you, and there is still a few sad days following that result. I can not describe that feeling. Because of my history of miscarriage and infertility I really try and keep my emotions in check, try not to plan things out, or dream of how I would announce my pregnancy, or how I would tell my family, or think through what months I would be pregnant, what I might wear or what I might look like 8 months pregnant, or when I would be due, if it would be a boy or a girl, how I would tell Mason, what it would feel like when we found out, what the doctor would have us do to try and keep this pregnancy, would this baby make it? Would it be any different? But... needless to say, and as you can see, those thoughts always come throughout those weeks of waiting. For those of you who have experienced any type of infertility I am sure at one point, you have felt these same things and thought through the same things I have during that waiting period. It's torture!

I have such a wonderful life, Mason and I have been blessed beyond measure. We receive blessings in many aspects of our lives, even when we feel that we aren't worthy, or that maybe we haven't done all we needed to to deserve those blessings. But they keep coming. And despite how sad I am sometimes, or how bad it hurts my heart to think about that little baby I wish I had, I can't deny God's hand in my life. It's like when I am about to sink he reaches down and rescues me.
When we moved into our home my parents offered to purchase a framed print of my favorite Christ picture for Mason and I. I knew which one I wanted and searched high and low for it and finally found it. It was shipped to their house and they brought it to our house warming/birthday dinner for me in mid-November. Yes this photo matched the color scheme in my living room which was a wonderful surprise but it also depicts a section of scripture that has become on of my favorites. 

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of goodcheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

What a beautiful reminder. I am afraid in so many ways. I am Peter. I have lost faith, I have questioned the Lord, and cried unto Him to save me. I constantly ask him to give me courage, show me mercy, and to give me the ability to start a family. I am scared to lose another baby, to feel that pain and heartache and experience everything that goes with that trial. And then every month that we try again, or take a step in the right direction, I show my faith. I walk on water, and when I find out that we are not pregnant or when I received that horrible news of dropping hormone levels and impending miscarriage... I sink. Every time I sink and I think I might drown I am amazed when I feel the Lord's hand reach down into the depths and pull me out. He truly saves me. I love the Him for that.

This month of trying was a hard one for me. I allowed myself to get my hopes up which I typically try to avoid. For anyone facing a trial of this magnitude, you know... there are good days and bad days, easy months and hard months, excitement and disappointment and an entire pool of other emotions that play a part. It is all how you choose to deal with them that counts. So I choose to be excited for the holidays! I choose to snuggle any baby I can get my hands on! I choose to look at my blessings and find things each day to be grateful for! I choose to surround myself with family and friends and to look at my wonderful husband and find happiness, and peace. I choose happiness. And let me tell you, that is up to you. Happiness is completely up to you. It's a choice. And that's my choice. There are too many reasons to be happy!

So next Thursday we have an appointment for a check up with Dr. Jones. I need to make sure the antibiotics did their job, reschedule my HSG test and go from there. Here's to hoping that we can get the ball rolling again as soon as possible! Mason and I need us a baby!

Hope this post finds you all enjoying your holidays! XOXO, Randi