Not what we expected.

Tuesday October 14th was the day Mason and I went to the American Fork Hospital to get the HSG test done. We showed up bright and early. They walked me back through Radiology and into a dressing room where changed into a hospital gown. They had me take a pregnancy test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant so that if I was we didn't drench the baby in dye. It was negative which was no surprise to me. After that I was taken into a connecting room with a large machine, a table of horrible looking tools and tubes The nurse was super nice to me because she could tell I was so nervous. I asked all kinds of questions and she answered them so sweetly. I laid back and waited for the doctor to enter the room. Mason was there with me and held my hand the whole time to try and help me calm my nerves... plus the doctor had a TV screen where we would see the dye going through my body and they told us we would be able to find out the results right there. Which made all of the nerves totally worth it!

The doctor came in and started to do the procedure, which was supposed to be uncomfortable but not painful.... I tried to remain calm and breathe and as he went to put the tube in so he could send the dye through I felt the tube hit something and let out a scream of pain. They told me to relax and that it wouldn't hurt and they tried again and BOOM... crazy pain and a curse word from me. The doctor stopped abruptly and told me he was going to take everything out and he did so quickly. I was watching and crying and the doctor waved the nurse out of the room. I looked at Mason in a panic and asked what was going on. He shrugged his shoulders and we just waited. I felt weird and scared and like something was wrong. They were there doing the procedure and then they were gone... and we were sitting there waiting. The doctor came back in and told me that he found some lesions and blisters on my cervix and because of that he was going to be unable to do the procedure. I started frantically asking what that meant and what causes it and if that was why it hurt so bad and he just kept saying that my OBGYN would be able to tell me all of that information. He said that he had put in a call to my doctor at Valley and that they were going to get me in right away to get an exam done. 

Off we went... no answers and a lot of new questions. We went in and Dr. Jones was unavailable so we saw a different doctor in the same office. He said that my cervix was in fairly bad shape and there were a few things it could be. The first thing he wanted me to do was to take an antibiotic since it could have been an  infection from the surgery or even from the progesterone suppository I had used while I was pregnant. He said to take the antibiotic for the rest of the month and then follow up with an appointment in November. 

Meanwhile, we did get the results back from my blood tests... NO Factor IV, NO lupus, NO anything! They all came back clean. Which you would think I would have been thrilled about, but my reaction was a little bit short of that. It was bittersweet. I was happy to have more possibilities crossed off the list and a little bit disappointed that we still don't know WHY I can't carry to full term. Or even past the first two months of pregnancy!
Ya know, there are times when I look at what Mason and I are facing right now with pregnancy, and how it is all we want and could ever wish for, and think... I could be bitter if I wanted. I mean would you blame me? I could be mad, frustrated or depressed and I don't think anyone would blame me one bit. But why would I do that? Why would I lose hope? Or why would I give up? When there is so much potential in this life to be a mother in so many different ways. Mason and I just moved into our first home together and  let me tell you it was nothing short of a spiritual and emotional experience for us both. I in-vision our home as being a safe haven for friends, family and most of all us and our future children. I want it to be nothing short of that. I can be a mother in the way I care for those I love and my ability to show them their worth through understanding, charity and undying compassion. I have that ability. I have been blessed in so many ways during this whole journey. I know I say that all the time. Although I have never faced tribulation quite like this I can't help but see the potential I have to learn from the experience and improve myself because of it.
Mason and I feel so blessed by all of the support we have received and the excitement and encouragement that you have all shown us while we build our home and plug along through this experience! I have loved talking to so many of you and offering counsel, advice, answering questions and being able to use something I've learned through hardship to help others.
I hope this post find you all happy, healthy and excited for the holidays! I know I am  :)

As for our house... it's official! Wahoo! We are homeowners. I love it! Once I get it all decorated I will show you pictures but as for now it is a little dusty and full of boxes. Lots of work for me to do over the next few weeks thats for sure. But I am oh-so happy to do it!

Happy Saturday!

Love,
Randi Rose