Be Still My Soul, The Lord Is On Thy Side.

I don’t remember exactly what the date was, but I know it was a Wednesday. The day before was a Tuesday which was mine and Mason’s day off and we had gotten “Announcement” pictures taken by one of my friends from work so that we could announce it on Valentine’s day to the rest of our friends. I woke up that sunny Wednesday morning and got ready for the day. I was going to lunch with some girlfriends and was excited to share my news with them, since they were mommies too. I didn’t know why but for some reason I felt weird that day. Just off, ya know. While I was driving back with Carly and Tayler to get my car I had mentioned how scared I was that something was gonna go wrong. It was just all so wonderful, that something like that would be so hard. They comforted me and I calmed down but my stomach was turning, literally. Something was wrong.

I went and saw Mason and he comforted me as well and just told me I needed to go home and take a nap. I was having some light cramps and feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach more than usual. I got home and went to lie down… and then it happened. The cramps took over my entire body, forcing me to the bathroom. I was so sick. I called Mason and he came home. I got in the bathtub and tried to relax and feel better. Mason gave me a blessing and in it he told me “no matter what happens know that Jesus Christ and your Heavenly Father know you and are concerned for you and will take care of you through everything that your body is going to have to go through.” Shortly after that blessing my body gave up on my precious little baby.

We waited it out to see if the bleeding got better and if the pain would subside but it didn’t. I was mad, confused, screaming, crying, completely distraught and a number of other emotions I can’t even put into words. We called my parents and they came down to the hospital and waited, so patiently, in the waiting room until all of the tests were done. They did ultrasounds, blood work and gave me morphine for the pain. We were there for about 4 hours. The doctor came in and sat down next to me and as I held Mason’s hand he confirmed, so gently, the Earth shattering news. They put me on bed rest for 4 days and gave me pain meds to control the cramping I was going to be put through over the next few days and then sent me home.
They wheeled me out to my car where I got to hug my mom and dad and then my sweet, supporting, and loving husband took me to get food and took me home and held me while I cried it out. The next few days were some of the hardest days I have ever had. And he loved me through all of them.

We set a follow up appointment with my doctor for the next week to get some tests done and talk about “next steps.” They confirmed that this was indeed my second miscarriage and that if I had another one this next month that more tests and procedures would be needed if I had hope of getting pregnant. The doctor told me he thinks it is a hormone deficiency that possibly caused my miscarriage. He said that when my levels were supposed to go UP as I got further into the pregnancy, mine instead, went down. When I went to the ER, at 7 weeks I was supposed to be at a 14,000 progesterone level and I was at a 3.

The miscarriage was the worst thing I have ever been through. I thought trying to get pregnant was hard but I was wrong. Losing a baby, no matter how small and new they are, is devastating.  I have never felt so many feelings at once. Confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, and more. I hid at my house for a week just trying to figure out how to process what had just happened.

To be honest I originally wrote this just to allow myself to unload all of these experiences somewhere... so they weren't constantly swimming circles in my head. I wasn't ever intending to share my story. I was honestly writing this for my little family and for my future baby Rosebuds. (Hence the name "Writing for Rosebuds") But maybe it's meant for more than that. I want those around me to understand what Mason and I have been facing this last little while... I have had people ask me A LOT when we are going to have babies and telling me how cute they will be and that we NEED to have one. But life isn't always that simple. God has a different plan for us.

For those of you, and I know you are out there, that are struggling with infertility, miscarriages and even if you just started trying and aren’t pregnant quite yet and are starting to get a little tickle of fear or worry... I know it is hard. I really do. I know how hard it is. Please, don’t lose hope. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you that you are NOT alone. I remember searching for stories of infertility and blogs about trying to start a family and all of those materials that help you feel like you aren’t the only one having the confusing feelings you are feeling.It is hard. Just like other trials that people face. But be strong and be faithful and just know that God will not let you down.

This month Mason and I tried again. We prayed ALOT. We had hope, faith and the courage to take another pregnancy test. It was negative. With a 17 progesterone level the chances were low so we were prepared for the news. I even asked Mason to take me to Disneyland if we weren't pregnant this month... so in two weeks we will find ourselves in the happiest place on Earth! At the end of this month the process starts again. And we will be fresh faced and hopeful that high progesterone levels are in my future along with a beautiful new addition on the way. Fingers crossed! As for those of you who are finding yourself in this position...

Stay strong, lean on your Heavenly Father, and never lose hope. No matter what happens or what you have to go through it will be worth it when you get to hold your precious baby in your arms for the first time. Whether it’s through adoption, surrogacy, envitro, the “old fashioned way,” or whichever process works for you... that moment will so tremendously outweigh all of the hard things you may have to go through to get there. No matter how long it takes.

34.6: My New Lucky Number

In January I went and got my progesterone taken. My  progesterone level? It was a 34.6. WOHOO!!! The highest yet! The doctor even said it was high enough that IF I did get pregnant we could be

having TWINS! (Most of you might be a little nervous about that but I was ECSTATIC. If it was twins… in my eyes… The more the merrier!!) So we waited patiently to take our monthly pregnancy test. By this time I was acting as if I didn’t think I would be pregnant just so I wouldn’t have my hopes shattered if I wasn’t, but I had that glimmer of hope from the Progesterone test that maybe, just maybe, I might be. I had been really abnormally tired and had been having hot flashes so I thought it was time to take the test. Mason got up one morning and I sent him to the grocery store to pick up a pack of them. (By this time we were buying in bulk.) I told him to “get the good kind,” just in case. He came home and I went in and took the test and set it upside down on the counter. (By now we had made a promise that we would check the tests together in case it actually came back positive. We wanted to share that exciting moment together when it did happen.) I grabbed Mason after a few minutes and we went over and lifted the test. We looked at it and went to throw it away like normal, but I hesitated. Was that a faint, little itty bitty, second pink line?? My best friend Carly was staying over that night so she came in when she heard me freak out. I showed Mason AND Carly the test and we tried to remain calm as I called the nurse at the doctor’s office. This is about how the conversation went:

Nurse: “Hello? This is Heather”
(I knew who Heather was since I had spoken to her on the phone and seen her so many times at this point. I was glad it was her that answered since I felt kind of silly calling.)

Me: “Heather! So, I took my pregnancy test like usual and… it has a second line. Like, a really faint one, really really light but it is getting darker. Is there a chance that means I might be pregnant? Or does it have to be really obviously dark?”
(Picture me and Carly and Mason all sitting on my bed together, one of them at each of my sides eves-dropping on my convo with Heather.)

Nurse: (kind of chuckling at me,) “YAY!! How exciting Randi! That most definitely means you are pregnant, congrats! Even if it’s a faint line, it’s still a line!”

Me: (nervously chuckling, weird pause.) “……………………..what do I do now!?!”
(By this time Mason, Carly and Heather are all kind of laughing with me. Shock does funny things to the body and mind.)

Nurse: “Come in today at 1 PM and we will get you tested here at the office to make sure!”

So, we set an appointment with the Doctor for that afternoon. Right after the phone call Mason said, “We should pray!” And there we were, me, Mason and Carly, dropped to our knees at the side of me

and Mason’s bed and we prayed. And we cried, and hugged, and celebrated. I took that little test and put it in a baggy and took it with me to show the nurse. She took her test and came in and confirmed! We were FINALLY pregnant! She said our Due Date was September 21st. And that I was about 5 weeks along at this point. I have NEVER cried so many tears of joy. I was on cloud nine. I was SO in love with this new little baby in my stomach. Even though it was small, it was ours, a little piece of Mason and a little piece of me. I have never had happier weeks that those weeks after we found out.

Mason took me to Barnes and Noble the following week and we picked out books on parenting. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” a couple of Baby Name Books, “Dude, You’re Gonna Be a Dad” for Mason, and a baby bump journal for me! We had to go to Target to buy a body pillow for me because I was already uncomfortable sleeping on my stomach, it made me sick, which was weird since I had always been a

stomach sleeper. While we were there Mason and I swooned as we strolled through the baby isles, daydreaming about nursery decorations and talking strollers and reading about the car seats, not to mention drooling and cooing over the baby clothes. It was all so real, and we were so happy. I have never felt that close to Heaven and I had never been that grateful in all my years as a member of the LDS church. I recognized what a blessing it was and that it was all thanks to that fast we did with our family and friends and the amazing response from our Heavenly Father. We felt so much love in our hearts for everyone around us and especially our little, itty-bitty, new addition.

We prepared to announce to our families. One of my best friends, Tayler, is pregnant and so I told her by giving her a onsie that said “Best…” and on the next line it said “Est. Summer 2014” and when she looked at it she was so sweet but so confused, until she looked up and I was holding up a second onesie that said “Friends….” She had one of the best reactions I have ever seen. We told my mom and dad by gifting my dad a camouflage onesie shortly after his birthday and they both got teary eyed and screamed and yelled at how excited they were to be grandparents. I told my sister and grandma but giving them onsies and we told Mason’s family by taking brownies to dinner that said “Baby Rose Coming September 2014” on the top in frosting.

Everyone was so happy for us.

Talk to me Doc: Pills, Pain and Progesterone

Right before our one year mark of trying to get pregnant I was visiting with my sister in law and she mentioned something about a doctor she used to work for. She had had her share of problems in this department so I had started to open up to her because I needed support, and I started feeling like no one understood me. Everyone else I knew would just start trying and get pregnant seemingly the next day and it was disheartening that apparently I was the ONLY one having to deal with this. (Now I know that is not true, but it did seem this way.) My sister in law mentioned this doctor she had worked for before and that he specialized in infertility. (By the way, the sound of that word made me want to cry.) I talked with her about what to expect if I did meet with him and she helped me realize that I was not the only one on God’s Green Earth that had gone through this; That this doctor helped women like me daily. So I got his information and set an appointment for a few weeks later.
September 2013 was our first appointment with Dr. Tweede. He went through a number of different causes and asked me a bunch of really personal questions and stated that he thought the cause might be that I just wasn’t ovulating; Which was an easy fix… (whew.) I would go on a pill call CloMed that would make my body ovulate. He gave me a very specific listed calendar of days to take the pill, days to try, and then the day that I would come in and get my progesterone level tested to see if I had ovulated. Meanwhile, we would get Mason tested and take a bunch of blood from me to test for thyroid problems and other things that may be causing a problem. Everything from those tests came back squeaky clean for me and Mason. So in September, on the right day, I took my first pill and followed the doctor’s orders to a “T.”

October 2013 came around- our one year mark (sorry if there are any men reading this,) and I had my “cycle.” Only, it was different. I ALWAYS get excruciating cramping but this was to an extreme. Like lying on the floor in the bathroom, sore for a week afterwards, crying-and-wanting-to-go-to-the-hospital kind of bad. I thought maybe the pill had been causing it, so I called my doctor’s office and spoke to the nurse. And I wouldn’t find out until much later that I had just experienced my first miscarriage.

So, I went on about my life. This miscarriage was still somewhat unknown. I had my suspicions but there was no way to tell since I hadn’t taken a test or gone to the doctor for it and I had never experienced one before. We continued on the pill and the “baby makin’ calendar” and every month we would go get my blood taken so we could test my progesterone and see if I had ovulated. My progesterone level needed to be over a 15 for me to have any chance of my getting pregnant. October, it was 15 on the dot. November, it was….. 1. Talk about a kick to the stomach.
November was a hard month for this little Rose Family. The nature of the situation was really setting

in. And it was hurting me every single day. I was “late” that
month and had a day where I was throwing up all day. Shortly before I went in to get my Progesterone test taken I took a pregnancy test. And it was negative. By now every pregnancy test was so routine that I acted as if I expected it to say “NO” in big capital letters but for some reason in November I REALLY thought…. This is it. But it wasn’t. And a few days later the doctor told me my level was at a little itty bitty 1. It was so disheartening. At this point, as hard as it is to admit, I started having some serious issues with the whole situation. I have always been a strong member of the LDS church. No, not perfect, but my testimony has really propelled me through some hard times and I have never, not once, lost my faith even a little bit; Even when others around me had. I always have and always will love my Heavenly Father more than anything else in the Universe. Hands down. So please, I beg you, don’t get me wrong and please TRY to imagine how I was feeling at this point. But I started to resent God. No I didn’t hate him, or stop believing. But it was so hard for me to understand how God could create life on Earth and command us to procreate and multiply and replenish and then take that ability away from someone so willing and excited to fulfill that commandment. I struggled with this. And I will admit sometimes still struggle with it.

“4 And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.”
I didn’t question the church, I questioned the meaning and need for this trial. I “did cry unto him,” quite literally wondering why this simple, beautiful thing was so hard for Mason and I. I was so close to losing hope.

In December we tried…. Again. And went in to get my Progesterone tested…. Again. They decided to double my dose and try ONE more time with just the pill. However, this time, before we went through this whole process, I told Mason we needed to open up to our family members and close friends about what was going on. We needed the prayers and the support; because if, in January, my progesterone was low again and my pregnancy test came out negative, there would be dye tests, procedures to look at my insides, and possible surgery, etc. (All of the nasty things that come along with asking for medical help.) I was ready to do whatever it took, but I KNEW I wasn’t strong enough to go through all of that and remain happy without my family and friends to support me. Before telling our families we had kept this whole process hush-hush. No one knew we were even trying l to get pregnant let alone had been trying for almost a year and a half.

After telling everyone we also invited them to fast with us the first Sunday of the New Year. Everyone was so loving and happy to help, and Mason and I felt as if the Fast was a huge success. We felt our Saviors unconditional love and acknowledgement. We knew that He knew us personally and was there to not just help us but to carry us through what was ahead. What a huge comfort after the past few months! 

Let's Start From The Beginning

I always thought my life after marriage would be simple and easy. I am not sure why I thought that. I guess its just because my high school and early college years were, seemingly, so hard. It seemed as if I had paid my dues I guess when it comes to tribulation. Facing things like death, family members overcoming addictions, having serious relationships turn horrific, losing our family business and our home along with most of our belongings, dropping out of college to move back in with my parents, just to turn around, move out and try again, not to mention meeting my ideal, supper amazing, love-of-my-life guy and having to be apart from him for two years. I just always thought, “When Mason gets back from his mission, it’ll be easy. We will get married, buy a house, have kids… nothing could be harder that what I have been through.”

In April of 2009, after coming out of a devastating relationship, I had finally cut ties with those who had hurt me. I was done dating for a while. Now it was time to focus on me, decide what I want to be when I grow up, and focus on going to school and saving money. Dating was at the bottom of my priority list… Until I met Mason. A few months after I had made the decision to temporarily give up on dating, I met the perfect guy. He was strong, handsome, funny, adventurous, and made me a better person when I was around him. He was also older, 23 at the time, which, as an 18 year old, was sooooooo attractive. Mason had decided shortly before we met, after turning his life around and coming back to the LDS church, that he was going to serve a 2 year mission; Which was fine at first since I wasn’t looking for anything “Serious.” That changed fast. I loved him. Who was I kidding, I knew it from the very beginning that he was THE ONE, (as cliché as that may sound.) And he knew that same thing about me. So…. I helped him buy all of his missionary clothes, watched him get his patriarchal blessing, watched him pass the sacrament for the first time, receive the priesthood, put in his papers, give his first blessing, give his first talk in over 5 years, and then I was there holding his hand when he received his call to the Cincinnati, OH mission. He was leaving March 2010 which was 2 months from the day he received his call. We had been dating for about 8 months at this point. Then, after those two months of preparation were up, I dropped him off at the MTC, shook his hand and off he went. And I waited. 2. Long. Years. And I did that happily! What an amazing experience for us and how grateful I am that he did it.

He returned March 2012 and I had NEVER been so anxious and excited. I was at the airport when he got home and that was the best hug I have ever gotten to this day. I have never been swept of my feet quite like that and I was so shocked that I could finally hold him and love him again. Happiness filled my heart. It was less than a month later that we were engaged. April 8th to be exact. We got married in the Oquirrh Mountain LDS temple on May 26th, 2012 and it was the most perfect day I have ever had. And at that moment I knew that my life would be pure bliss with Mason there to share it with me.
We moved to San Diego, CA 2 weeks after we got married. Just for fun. And I was baby hungry INSTANTLY. It was like I had been ready two years before for all of this happened and it was so built up that I knew right away I wanted to start a family with this man. Mason was hesitant the first few months of our marriage which was understandable. I would tell people when they asked, “yeah, as soon as THIS guy is ready… it’s gonna happen.” And we would laugh about it. In October 2012 we started “Trying.” After 3 months of trying… nothing. I told Mason I was worried and he would tell me he didn’t even want to hear it. We were going to be positive and not worry until we had a reason to. Three more months went by and at this point I was taking pregnancy tests regularly every month. So we started a calendar, tracked out all of the “good days,” and googled all sorts of things that MIGHT help move the process along. At about 9 months of trying, and no baby, and a dozen negative pregnancy tests my poor wanna-be-a-mommy heart was breaking. I was broken. Mason would tell me I was perfect, that broken was such a harsh word, but that was how I felt. And at this point every time someone asked me, “so when are you gonna have kids?” or “are you pregnant yet!?” I would cringe. It hurt. They all asked like it was so easy… just simple as that… get off the pill and have a kid. And oh how I wished it was that easy. But it wasn’t… not for me. Not to mention that in February of 2013 we had moved BACK to Utah and I had started working at a children’s photography studio. Talk about slapping sunburn, or feeding a fire. I was in full baby mama mode.