Talk to me Doc: Pills, Pain and Progesterone

Right before our one year mark of trying to get pregnant I was visiting with my sister in law and she mentioned something about a doctor she used to work for. She had had her share of problems in this department so I had started to open up to her because I needed support, and I started feeling like no one understood me. Everyone else I knew would just start trying and get pregnant seemingly the next day and it was disheartening that apparently I was the ONLY one having to deal with this. (Now I know that is not true, but it did seem this way.) My sister in law mentioned this doctor she had worked for before and that he specialized in infertility. (By the way, the sound of that word made me want to cry.) I talked with her about what to expect if I did meet with him and she helped me realize that I was not the only one on God’s Green Earth that had gone through this; That this doctor helped women like me daily. So I got his information and set an appointment for a few weeks later.
September 2013 was our first appointment with Dr. Tweede. He went through a number of different causes and asked me a bunch of really personal questions and stated that he thought the cause might be that I just wasn’t ovulating; Which was an easy fix… (whew.) I would go on a pill call CloMed that would make my body ovulate. He gave me a very specific listed calendar of days to take the pill, days to try, and then the day that I would come in and get my progesterone level tested to see if I had ovulated. Meanwhile, we would get Mason tested and take a bunch of blood from me to test for thyroid problems and other things that may be causing a problem. Everything from those tests came back squeaky clean for me and Mason. So in September, on the right day, I took my first pill and followed the doctor’s orders to a “T.”

October 2013 came around- our one year mark (sorry if there are any men reading this,) and I had my “cycle.” Only, it was different. I ALWAYS get excruciating cramping but this was to an extreme. Like lying on the floor in the bathroom, sore for a week afterwards, crying-and-wanting-to-go-to-the-hospital kind of bad. I thought maybe the pill had been causing it, so I called my doctor’s office and spoke to the nurse. And I wouldn’t find out until much later that I had just experienced my first miscarriage.

So, I went on about my life. This miscarriage was still somewhat unknown. I had my suspicions but there was no way to tell since I hadn’t taken a test or gone to the doctor for it and I had never experienced one before. We continued on the pill and the “baby makin’ calendar” and every month we would go get my blood taken so we could test my progesterone and see if I had ovulated. My progesterone level needed to be over a 15 for me to have any chance of my getting pregnant. October, it was 15 on the dot. November, it was….. 1. Talk about a kick to the stomach.
November was a hard month for this little Rose Family. The nature of the situation was really setting

in. And it was hurting me every single day. I was “late” that
month and had a day where I was throwing up all day. Shortly before I went in to get my Progesterone test taken I took a pregnancy test. And it was negative. By now every pregnancy test was so routine that I acted as if I expected it to say “NO” in big capital letters but for some reason in November I REALLY thought…. This is it. But it wasn’t. And a few days later the doctor told me my level was at a little itty bitty 1. It was so disheartening. At this point, as hard as it is to admit, I started having some serious issues with the whole situation. I have always been a strong member of the LDS church. No, not perfect, but my testimony has really propelled me through some hard times and I have never, not once, lost my faith even a little bit; Even when others around me had. I always have and always will love my Heavenly Father more than anything else in the Universe. Hands down. So please, I beg you, don’t get me wrong and please TRY to imagine how I was feeling at this point. But I started to resent God. No I didn’t hate him, or stop believing. But it was so hard for me to understand how God could create life on Earth and command us to procreate and multiply and replenish and then take that ability away from someone so willing and excited to fulfill that commandment. I struggled with this. And I will admit sometimes still struggle with it.

“4 And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.”
I didn’t question the church, I questioned the meaning and need for this trial. I “did cry unto him,” quite literally wondering why this simple, beautiful thing was so hard for Mason and I. I was so close to losing hope.

In December we tried…. Again. And went in to get my Progesterone tested…. Again. They decided to double my dose and try ONE more time with just the pill. However, this time, before we went through this whole process, I told Mason we needed to open up to our family members and close friends about what was going on. We needed the prayers and the support; because if, in January, my progesterone was low again and my pregnancy test came out negative, there would be dye tests, procedures to look at my insides, and possible surgery, etc. (All of the nasty things that come along with asking for medical help.) I was ready to do whatever it took, but I KNEW I wasn’t strong enough to go through all of that and remain happy without my family and friends to support me. Before telling our families we had kept this whole process hush-hush. No one knew we were even trying l to get pregnant let alone had been trying for almost a year and a half.

After telling everyone we also invited them to fast with us the first Sunday of the New Year. Everyone was so loving and happy to help, and Mason and I felt as if the Fast was a huge success. We felt our Saviors unconditional love and acknowledgement. We knew that He knew us personally and was there to not just help us but to carry us through what was ahead. What a huge comfort after the past few months!