I don’t remember exactly what the date was, but I know it was a Wednesday. The day before was a Tuesday which was mine and Mason’s day off and we had gotten “Announcement” pictures taken by one of my friends from work so that we could announce it on Valentine’s day to the rest of our friends. I woke up that sunny Wednesday morning and got ready for the day. I was going to lunch with some girlfriends and was excited to share my news with them, since they were mommies too. I didn’t know why but for some reason I felt weird that day. Just off, ya know. While I was driving back with Carly and Tayler to get my car I had mentioned how scared I was that something was gonna go wrong. It was just all so wonderful, that something like that would be so hard. They comforted me and I calmed down but my stomach was turning, literally. Something was wrong.
I went and saw Mason and he comforted me as well and just told me I needed to go home and take a nap. I was having some light cramps and feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach more than usual. I got home and went to lie down… and then it happened. The cramps took over my entire body, forcing me to the bathroom. I was so sick. I called Mason and he came home. I got in the bathtub and tried to relax and feel better. Mason gave me a blessing and in it he told me “no matter what happens know that Jesus Christ and your Heavenly Father know you and are concerned for you and will take care of you through everything that your body is going to have to go through.” Shortly after that blessing my body gave up on my precious little baby.
We waited it out to see if the bleeding got better and if the pain would subside but it didn’t. I was mad, confused, screaming, crying, completely distraught and a number of other emotions I can’t even put into words. We called my parents and they came down to the hospital and waited, so patiently, in the waiting room until all of the tests were done. They did ultrasounds, blood work and gave me morphine for the pain. We were there for about 4 hours. The doctor came in and sat down next to me and as I held Mason’s hand he confirmed, so gently, the Earth shattering news. They put me on bed rest for 4 days and gave me pain meds to control the cramping I was going to be put through over the next few days and then sent me home.
They wheeled me out to my car where I got to hug my mom and dad and then my sweet, supporting, and loving husband took me to get food and took me home and held me while I cried it out. The next few days were some of the hardest days I have ever had. And he loved me through all of them.
We set a follow up appointment with my doctor for the next week to get some tests done and talk about “next steps.” They confirmed that this was indeed my second miscarriage and that if I had another one this next month that more tests and procedures would be needed if I had hope of getting pregnant. The doctor told me he thinks it is a hormone deficiency that possibly caused my miscarriage. He said that when my levels were supposed to go UP as I got further into the pregnancy, mine instead, went down. When I went to the ER, at 7 weeks I was supposed to be at a 14,000 progesterone level and I was at a 3.
The miscarriage was the worst thing I have ever been through. I thought trying to get pregnant was hard but I was wrong. Losing a baby, no matter how small and new they are, is devastating. I have never felt so many feelings at once. Confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, and more. I hid at my house for a week just trying to figure out how to process what had just happened.
To be honest I originally wrote this just to allow myself to unload all of these experiences somewhere... so they weren't constantly swimming circles in my head. I wasn't ever intending to share my story. I was honestly writing this for my little family and for my future baby Rosebuds. (Hence the name "Writing for Rosebuds") But maybe it's meant for more than that. I want those around me to understand what Mason and I have been facing this last little while... I have had people ask me A LOT when we are going to have babies and telling me how cute they will be and that we NEED to have one. But life isn't always that simple. God has a different plan for us.
For those of you, and I know you are out there, that are struggling with infertility, miscarriages and even if you just started trying and aren’t pregnant quite yet and are starting to get a little tickle of fear or worry... I know it is hard. I really do. I know how hard it is. Please, don’t lose hope. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you that you are NOT alone. I remember searching for stories of infertility and blogs about trying to start a family and all of those materials that help you feel like you aren’t the only one having the confusing feelings you are feeling.It is hard. Just like other trials that people face. But be strong and be faithful and just know that God will not let you down.
This month Mason and I tried again. We prayed ALOT. We had hope, faith and the courage to take another pregnancy test. It was negative. With a 17 progesterone level the chances were low so we were prepared for the news. I even asked Mason to take me to Disneyland if we weren't pregnant this month... so in two weeks we will find ourselves in the happiest place on Earth! At the end of this month the process starts again. And we will be fresh faced and hopeful that high progesterone levels are in my future along with a beautiful new addition on the way. Fingers crossed! As for those of you who are finding yourself in this position...
Stay strong, lean on your Heavenly Father, and never lose hope. No matter what happens or what you have to go through it will be worth it when you get to hold your precious baby in your arms for the first time. Whether it’s through adoption, surrogacy, envitro, the “old fashioned way,” or whichever process works for you... that moment will so tremendously outweigh all of the hard things you may have to go through to get there. No matter how long it takes.
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