I'm Back!

Hi, Guys! I'm back! It has been a really long time since I have written anything in this blog. The last time I wrote was just before our sweet Roman was born and since then I have been pretty occupied with our little boy! But I think its about time to catch you all up.

Shortly after Roman was born Mason and I both realized that if we wanted to have our babies no more than 2 year apart, like we had planned, we would need to start deciding what we wanted to do next. In October of last year were referred by my doctor to the leading specialist in recurrent miscarriage in the United States, who happens to practice at the University of Utah twice a week. I was so excited for that appointment. He was booked out for about month so we didn't meet with him until November. Mason took the morning off of work so we could go to this doctor's appointment together. When we got there we headed into the consultation office and he came in with an assistant where they went through every single medical record they could find for me. They looked over lists of tests, procedures, results, surgeries, medications, miscarriages, pages of notes and every doctor or ER visit all the way back to my senior year of high school. After he reviewed my records and asked me a few questions about results of procedures he began to list the five various tests or procedures that he does on all of his patients. All of which my current fertility doctor had already performed, except ONE. He said that my medical history was spotless and that the fertility doctor I had been meeting with had seemingly covered all of his bases, but there was a chromosomal test that Mason and I could have done that would not be covered under insurance, but could potentially solve our problem. They would take 8 vials of blood from me and 4 from Mason and test to see if for some reason our chromosomes were having issues matching up correctly. It was going to be pricey and it was going to be a 50/50 shot but if that test came back with abnormal results we would know that, that was where the issue was. And it was something that could possibly be fixed by doing invitro. How could we not? This could be it! The answer! It was worth it. So we opted to have the test performed and waited patiently for the results. A week later we received a phone call letting us know that there were NO issues with our chromosomes and that there was no other tests or procedures that this specialist could do. I remember the chromosomal specialist saying something along the lines of "sometimes these things just go unexplained." My heart sank.

What more could we do than continue to try? So we tried that November. And guess what, I got pregnant. Those two pink lines showed up and I cried and celebrated for two days... before I suffered my fifth miscarriage. Two days before Christmas. I took a break to let my body recover. Prayed with my husband and we decided that it was time to try something different.

I met with my doctor in January and he told me that we could try Intrauterine Insemination, or IUI. He also suggested that I try a different medication to help me ovulate, since I had been using Clomid for well over three years now. We decided to hold off on IUI for a month or two and switch to Femora and see if that medication worked before we spent the money on IUI. But February came and I didn't ovulate. So we tried




it again. March came and we tested and I got that positive ovulation test! SO we tried the good old fashion way. I knew from my lack of symptoms that this month didn't work either. After speaking with my doctor we decided to switch BACK to Clomid since we knew that it had worked for us before. But now we had to decide what we were going to do... continue to try on our own or give IUI a shot.

At the beginning of April I spoke to Mason and told him that as much as I had tried to deny it I had been prompted to change my lifestyle as far as eating goes. I have always been a sugar and soda addict. I have never dieted or eaten "healthy." I always just ate what I wanted and didn't give much attention to what I was putting in my body. After talking to Mason, not only was he supportive, but he offered to do it all with me. So that was that, we hired a dietician and began making changes that same week. It started with two days of ONLY raw fruits and veggies and evolved into juice cleanses, cutting soda, sugar, carbs, preservatives and all kinds of other things that could possibly be hindering my ability to carry a baby to full term. I did EVERYTHING I could. I never cheated. I never slowed down. I never questioned what we were doing. And if you know me you know that this was a huge struggle and a huge trial for me in and of itself. I loved my soda and gummy worms and it was not small sacrifice for me to give it all up. I was committed to what we were doing and so was Mason. We lost weight and got into the best shape we had been in in years. I was feeling GOOD. Like reallllly good. And I was happy with how I felt. I no longer depended on sugar or caffeine for energy and I was drinking water and actually enjoying it! We were ready. We made the decision to do IUI and right before we did the procedure we one last cleanse to make sure my body was in perfect working order. The cleanse went perfectly and I got a nice strong positive on my ovulation test. So the next morning we went into the doctors office and had the IUI done. I came straight home and put my feet up and laid on the couch for hours. I was eating healthy and drinking water and taking prenatal vitamins. I started getting a few symptoms and anticipated that positive pregnancy test....

I tested.... Negative.
Next day.... Negative.
Next day... Negative.
My hopes were shot.
One last time.... I tested.... and it was negative.

I was devastated. I cried for days. I blamed God. I blamed my body. I blamed myself. I went through feelings of regret for thinking that this diet would help. I went through feelings of resentment to people around me. I felt alone and lost and didn't know what the next step should be. I spoke with my doctor and he told me that the first round is the least likely to work. SO... of course...we wanted to try again. So we did. I got back on the band wagon. I got back in the right state of mind and kicked my butt back into gear. I counted my days, I prayed, I dieted, I took it easy and took care of myself and kept my stress levels low. And we got a strong positive ovulation test. And we did the procedure. And I knew that this was it! I would be pregnant. I was nauseous, my boobs hurt, I was tired and grumpy and I knew I was gonna be pregnant. How could I not be? I had been pregnant before and there was NO WAY that this wouldn't work. All of the odds were in my favor. SO I tested. I got 8 negative pregnancy tests before mother nature reared her ugly face and took away any lingering hope that I had for a pregnancy this month. That was at the end of June.

I hate infertility. Can I just say that? Is that ok? To be that candid? To say what millions of other women are thinking but don't want to say out loud? It's not ok. It's not fair. And despite how many messages of hope or stories of "happy endings" you hear it never gets easier. No matter what you do, if you can't get pregnant or can't carry a child... the struggle is REAL. Now don't get me wrong... Roman is the light of my life, my world, my absolute everything. He is my light at the end of the tunnel. My little sweetheart. I never take him for granted and I will always feel so blessed to have him. Over the past few months I have had people say to me "why don't you just adopt again?" or "you could always adopt again." And of course we have kept that thought in our minds and we hope to adopt again one day, but adoption does not rid you heart of that yearning to carry a child in your belly. To create life. To be pregnant and huge and uncomfortable but SO, SO happy. The struggle is still there. The pain is still there. It never goes away. I am not trying to be negative, or pessimistic. I am just being realistic. The past few months have been hard. I have cried a lot. I have felt hopeless and alone. I have been in a constant state of confusion. What do we do next? Mason and I decided to take a break this month and give my body and emotions a little rest. We even booked last minute flight and enjoyed our first family vacation and rejoiced in the happiness that Roman has brought to our family.

On this past Saturday Mason and I got to attend the sealing of one of our close friends to her sweetheart. We were sitting in the waiting room before the sealing and he shared a sweet impression that he had that we needed to pray, and pray HARD about what to do next, whether it be adopt or continue to try and get pregnant. Which a lot of you are thinking... "yeah... duh... of course you need to pray!" But if you know Mason, he is a pretty soft spoken person. And I think I can count on my hand the number of times in the 7 years that I have known him that he has ever looked me in the eyes and told me that he had a strong impression to do something. SO... we are gonna pray. And hope. And ask for guidance on what to do next. And I have hope in that. I know that despite how many times I am mad or frustrated with God or no matter how many times I yell at Him and blame Him for this trial or ask WHY this is happening to me. Or question what His plan is for me or if He even has one... I know He will answer my prayers. I know God will come through for me because I always come through for Him. And no matter how many times I feel like giving up on Him, He will never ever give up on me.

MINI SESSIONS

First of all let me give you a little update on how baby boy is doing: On June 25th Ashley had a check up and was sent to the hospital. She was 27 weeks and 4 days and dilated to a 2. So the doctor informed her that baby boy is going to be coming earlier than we thought! The doctor gave baby a steroid shot that will help his lungs develop quicker than normal. Ashley went back for a second shot the next day. The shots will help so that when he does come he will be a little baby, but all of his organs and his lungs should be developed correctly and earlier than normal! All we know is that he won't be in there full term, he will definitely be an early little guy. It really could be anytime now... So we are asking for lots of prayers for Ashley and our sweet baby boy!

With that being said I am only going to be booking mini-sessions through the end of July to make sure that I am available to leave once baby boy decides to make his debut! So with the holidays and everything there will be limited spots!

When you message me we can figure out what day works best for you and get you scheduled!

For a $50 donation your session includes:
30 minutes of shooting
10+ edited images on a disc or sent to you via email/dropbox in full resolution.
Groups of up to 5 people
Travel to locations throughout Utah County ONLY

All payments can be made directly to our "YouCaring" fundraising account, (link below.) ALL donations are going to be used to pay for the lawyers fees, travel expenses and hospital expenses for our baby boy Rose! If you are unable to participate in our photography fundraiser but would still like to donate you can do so at the link below!

We love you all and I can not wait to see all of you who choose to book a session with me! Thanks so much for your support, it means the world to Mason and I. We are forever grateful.

Visit our "YouCaring" fundraiser page to make a payment for a session or make a donation:
http://www.youcaring.com/mason-and-randi-rose-380581

Our Adoption Match

It was mid-March 2015 when we finally got our adoption profile approved and posted on adoption.com. I remember the entire day after we finally posted it that I anxiously watched my email and phone as if calls would just start pouring in! But nothing. The first few days I was on the site ALL day checking stats and looking at how many people had viewed our page. On Saturday April 4th at about 9 pm I was coloring Easter eggs with family and friends and my phone started ringing... it was a number I did not recognize. My heart stopped and I ran into the front room to answer it. There was a quiet and timid voice on the other end of the line. She was crying and clearly upset. She introduced herself and told me that she was on the search for a couple to adopt a little girl that she was due with in three weeks. She was from New Mexico and was 24. I talked to her for a moment and then decided to leave to go home and meet Mason... we were going to Skype with her. Before we knew it was after midnight and we had been talking to this birth mom over Skype for almost 3 hours! We prayed with her, she was having contractions so we helped her count them and how far apart they were, we told her about our religion and answered her questions, we talked about when the baby was due and our plans for parenthood.... and then at almost 2 AM, while we were on Skype with her, she went into labor. She buckled over and said "When can you guys be here!?" We told her we could look at flights and she screamed "just hurry" and closed her computer. I immediately text her, no answer. One more text before bed... no answer. The next morning I woke up and had no messages or calls from her. So I text her and in response she sent me a picture of a beautiful baby girl wrapped in pink. My heart felt like it might explode. I showed Mason but neither of us could shake this weird feeling, this wasn't right. So I tried to call her and she ignored my call. She text me instantly and said she had bad service at the hospital. I asked her how she was feeling... no answer. At the same time my phone buzzed from a new notification on Facebook... I had been added to a private Facebook group for hopeful adoptive couples who are using adoption.com. As I began to scroll through the page I was reading post after post after post about "scams." . I kept skimming through the page and before I knew it I was checking every post for the name or number of our sweet birth mom... and boom. There it was. Here name, her number, her story - marked "EMOTIONAL SCAM." I posted my own paragraph asking who had talked to her and more about their experience. One couple had flown ALL the way to New Mexico, gone to the hospital, only to get there and find no one checked in under her name, turn right around and come home empty handed and heart broken. I asked "what about the picture she sent?" and a sweet mom told me how to " reverse google search" the image. So I did. And a blog belonging to someone across the country popped up. Different name, different city, different story... I broke down. So I decided to call the hospital in New Mexico, where she was from. I called all 3 hospitals in her city and no one at any of them by her name. Mason held me as I cried. We couldn't understand the thought process of a person in her situation... To prey on such vulnerable and willing people, just for a moment of "emotional attachment." Later that evening after we had finally started to feel at peace, she called us. Mason answered and the first thing he said is "we are starting to wonder if this is even real..." and CLICK. She hung up. We called back and she had blocked our number. We never heard from her again.

After that experience I avoided my profile all week. I didn't want to fall victim to those feelings again and the thought that it could happen again scared me. It wasn't until the following Friday night, April 17th, that I finally logged onto our page. I posted a few more pictures and wrote a post about taking our niece and nephew on a road trip and changed a few pieces of our bio page. That was late at night around 11 pm. I began to feel hopeful again and prayed hard that someone would find us! I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and of hope, again. I logged off and went to bed.
The next day I was at work at when I checked my phone and saw I had a missed call... from a number with a different area code. My heart skipped a beat. I stepped outside and called the number back. The voice on the other line said, "Hello," and I asked for a girl named Ashley that had called me about placing her baby with us. The sweet girl on the other end of the line explained her situation, a little bit about herself. She was 19 years old and 16 weeks pregnant. She lived in Oklahoma but had been raised in Utah and as a member of the LDS church.
I fell in love with Ashley instantly! I talked to her for about a half hour while I was pacing around outside of my work and I could not shake this instant, strong, emotional connection that I felt with this amazing young woman! When we hung up I called Mason in tears and said, "this is it." I could hear Mason getting emotional over the phone as we talked about my conversation with Ashley. After I hung up with him Ashley sent me her most recent ultrasounds and crocodile tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt so strongly about this experience. It had such a peaceful and real feeling to it. It was so much different than what we had experienced with our last contact. The following day Mason and I got to talk to Ashley on the phone for a while. She informed us that we are the only family she was talking to and that she had searched pages of families and had felt connected to our story and to us! She wanted to continue talking and preparing to place her baby with us. Mason and I wanted to be optimistic but we also were very timid because of our previous experience. But, we could not shake the feeling that this was right. I don't think we have ever prayed that hard or that often as we did those first few days. We could not shake and did not want to ignore the amazing connection we had made with our sweet Ashley! We continued to talk and bond with Ashley over the next few weeks! After talking to Ashley almost every day and getting to know everything we could about her and visa-versa, she told us that we were who she had chosen to place her baby with. May 11th was the day that she was finding out the gender and she wanted to share it with us as soon as she could. So there we were, in Universal Studios in Florida, sitting in the back corner of a restaurant, waiting for her to call. She was going to face time us as soon as she was out of the appointment. We waited and waited and Mason even fell asleep and before we knew it our phone was ringing. Below is a video of the moment we found out. We were beyond excited to find out that we were going to be welcoming little BOY rose to our family. Ashley sent us some ultrasound pictures that day and it's been the background on my phone ever since.

 After that we couldn't wait any longer to make baby purchases. After all we had already waited THREE years! First purchase, my dream stroller and car seat. And slowly we started gathering baby things! Clothes, a diaper bag, crib, car seat, stroller, diapers and more. We have recently finished painting the accent wall in our nursery and are getting ready to register for baby things! I still text Ashley almost every day and she has been so amazing about making us feel like we are already that little boy's parents. We are so beyond happy that we recently got to share our exciting news with all of you as well! We can not adequately express how grateful and beyond excited we are to be parents! Thank you ALL for your love and support. We love you!

I also just want to give a special thank you and we love you to our beautiful, amazing birth mama, Ashley. We adore you and really love that you have become part of our little family. We can't wait to share all of Baby Boy's milestones with you and enjoy sharing his life together. We are eternally grateful for your brave decision and the selfless love that you have for our little buddy. You are strong and beautiful inside and out and we feel so grateful that we get to know you and experience this with YOU. You will forever be so special to us.

All of our love,
Randi and Mason

Our family is growing! We're just not sure when!

As most of you know Mason and I have been trying to
grow our little family for almost 3 years now. We have been through so much; Infertility treatments, doctor's appointments, medications, tests, procedures, 2 miscarriages and an emergency surgery, plus numerous other emotional and physical trials. After a lot of thought and prayer we finally came to the decision that ADOPTION is our next step! We are so excited to finally be on this journey and can not wait to grow our family through adoption. We have both had some amazing experiences over the last few months and we know, without a doubt, that there is a perfect little baby out there waiting for us!

Here are our answers to some of the questions that we have been asked by all of the people we have shared our exciting news with! 

Are we using an agency?

Nope! Not yet at least. We have chosen to do a domestic (state-side), private adoption. This means that we will be adopting a child within the United States, and instead of paying to go through an agency we are going to be sharing our story through social media and online profiles, as well as word of mouth, to try and find our perfect match!

Where are we in the process?

Mason and I made this decision clear back in October! After a lot of prayer, studying, fasting and a few trips to the temple, we knew that this was our next step! In October, after we had made that decision, we met with a counselor from LDS Family Services. Unfortunately, LDS family services doesn't facilitate adoptions anymore. They now work with birth moms to help them find the perfect family to adopt their child out to. They do that by hosting a website called itsaboutlove.org where potential adoptive parents, (like me and Mason,) post a profile with information, links to their blog, videos and pictures. LDS Family Services then directs birth moms to that website in order to help them find the perfect family to place their child with. In order to get our profile posted on "itsaboutlove" we first had to complete a "home study." This has been a long process with A LOT of paper work, A LOT of questions and a few interviews as well as a home inspection. We began our home study in December of 2014 right before Christmas. After a lot of paperwork and question answering we are finally at the interview process! This is the part where we meet our case worker and she asks us lots of questions to make sure that we are fit to be parents! Tomorrow, February 28th, is our FRIST interview!! We can not wait. All of our paperwork is finally in and this is one of the last steps before we are finally approved to adopt! Our last of the two interviews will be Thursday March 5th! After that we just wait until we are approved! Then a few last steps and in order to get our profile posted on "It's About Love!"

How can you help?

Click the "Help Us Adopt" button on the right side of the page to read about what you can do! Since we are doing a private adoption it is up to us, with the help of our family and friends, to find the perfect match for our family. You can help us by spreading the word!

We are so so so SO excited to be sharing our big news with all of our friends and family. We are so grateful for the love and support that we have recieved from everyone we know and love! We can not WAIT to be parents and are looking forward to meeting our sweet little baby Rose, hopefully in the not so distant future. Please feel free to e-mail us at randitherose@gmail.com!

Testing, testing... 1, 2, 3.

Thursday the 18th of December I went in for my doctor's appointment at Valley OBGYN. We met with doctor Jones and discussed where we were at in the process and made him aware of our failed attempt at getting the HSG test done. He was confused and decided it was best to do an exam and take a look at things. When he did that he said that it all looked good and normal and that he wanted me to schedule an HSG... for that day! So I called into work and got the rest of the day off and that afternoon went to the hospital for the test. This time I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen and wasn't near as nervous. I felt pretty excited actually to finally get SOMETHING accomplished. I feel like ever since my surgery we have been at somewhat of a standstill. So here went nothing. I went in and had that same nurse and radiologist as last time so it was easy. We got all set up andddddd it about killed me when they went to insert the tube to inject the dye. I screamed and began crying like a big baby. I was so mad at myself! I told them I was fine and to try again and so they did and AGAIN. What in the world. The radiologist stepped out again and called my doctor and they talked and when he came back in he said that Dr. Jones had a few options for me and would be able to explain them to me tonight. He said that Dr. Jones was in clinical and would be able to call me after he got off work. I was so mad. I was frustrated and felt dumb and weak and disappointed. So I went home and rested and cried and then when Dr. Jones called he made me feel a little better. He talked about possible doing the HSG with him in the procedure room so that he could apply a local anesthetic and see if that helped with the pain. I just told him that I had been through that pain twice and couldn't see myself going back in a THIRD time and conquering it. I was petrified of trying again because of how bad it hurt and asked if there was anything else we could try. So he suggested a hysteroscopy. He said I would come into the office, they would put me under and just insert a small tube with a light and camera on the end up into my uterus. He would look around and take some pictures and make sure that there wasn't a uterine septum or any other factors preventing me from getting prgnant and carrying to full term! So I agreed to that procedure and the doctor siad that we only had a couple of days before it would be time for Mason and I to try to get pregnant again. Dr Jones said he would call his surgery scheduler and that she would contact me the next day to let me know if I could get in before the following Tuesday. Sure enough, she called and we got it scheduled and Monday night at 4:15 PM I went in to get the procedure done. I was scared of course because I didn't really know what to expect, but Dr. Jones was really nice and helped ease my crazy nerves. Mason came with me and got me all set up. We talked to Dr. Jones about all of the different things he would look at and asked a ton of questions. He decided to also take a small biopsy of my cervix to make sure there was no infection or anything wrong there. So into the procedure room I went and the last thing I remember was talking to the anesthesiologist about was soap. He had handed me a small homemade bar from him and his wife. When I woke up they wheeled me into the room where Mason was waiting I remember he kept telling me that we would talk about the results later when I was more awake and could talk a little bit better, but I kept insisting that he tell me what they found. He told me that everything looked good and nothing was wrong and I kept calling him a liar. Oh boy... me on drugs. When Dr. Jones came in to talk to us the first thing I asked was if Mason was lying and the doctor laughed and told me that no he was not lying and that everything really did go perfectly and that there was absolutely nothing wrong or abnormal in my uterus. The last thing I remember was the doctor telling me that I just needed to relax and try again without worrying. He said he had a good feeling about this month. Mason dragged my little drugged self home and I passed out for the rest of the night. We are still waiting for results from the cervical biopsy and should receive those sometime next week. I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated that I didn't get any additional information or find something that could be easily cured so that our worries of more miscarriages would be eliminated. Because I was. I was sad and frustrated. But when it comes down to it I am happy that there was nothing that would prevent us from ever getting pregnant. Nothing life changing was found but we definitely feel more at peace and can rest easy knowing I am healthy! I still have hope and am going to stay positive! As for next steps... TRY AGAIN! Hope you all had a beautiful Christmas.

Sink or Swim

Sometimes... I just want to lay in my bed and cry all day long. And I know, you are thinking, yikes. She crazy. But I really am not. I think one of the harder things about infertility is that when we are trying to get pregnant it is nothing but a countdown, day by day, step by step. So time crawls by and you watch for symptoms that you think may be pregnancy and constantly question if you are making it all up in your head or if you may actually be feeling symptoms of a growing baby. This month... that was me. FINALLY, Mason and I tried again. For the first time since my surgery. I was scared, but I took my Clomed at the dose that I was told to. Counted all of my days. Took ovulation tests, got THREE DAYS, of peak ovulation, and tried those days. Tried to cut out caffeine, eat somewhat healthy just in case. And I think I probably said about 10 simple, small, silent prayers throughout each day that this would be it... finally. Every time that Mason and I have followed the calender correctly, I have ovulated, and we have done all that we needed to and tried to get pregnant, we have gotten pregnant. So I have been counting down days until I could start testing and I just knew I was going to get a positive. I have taken 5 pregnancy test already, and they were all negative. Including the one I took this morning. All I have to say is... OUCH. My heart. I have had cramping, abdominal pains, nausea, fatigue, spotting, irritability, and mild headaches among other things I won't mention. All of these were early symptoms from my last few pregnancies. I could have SWORN I was going to get a positive. Here's another thing about infertility, no matter how many times you get a negative pregnancy test, it still shocks you, it still hurts you, and there is still a few sad days following that result. I can not describe that feeling. Because of my history of miscarriage and infertility I really try and keep my emotions in check, try not to plan things out, or dream of how I would announce my pregnancy, or how I would tell my family, or think through what months I would be pregnant, what I might wear or what I might look like 8 months pregnant, or when I would be due, if it would be a boy or a girl, how I would tell Mason, what it would feel like when we found out, what the doctor would have us do to try and keep this pregnancy, would this baby make it? Would it be any different? But... needless to say, and as you can see, those thoughts always come throughout those weeks of waiting. For those of you who have experienced any type of infertility I am sure at one point, you have felt these same things and thought through the same things I have during that waiting period. It's torture!

I have such a wonderful life, Mason and I have been blessed beyond measure. We receive blessings in many aspects of our lives, even when we feel that we aren't worthy, or that maybe we haven't done all we needed to to deserve those blessings. But they keep coming. And despite how sad I am sometimes, or how bad it hurts my heart to think about that little baby I wish I had, I can't deny God's hand in my life. It's like when I am about to sink he reaches down and rescues me.
When we moved into our home my parents offered to purchase a framed print of my favorite Christ picture for Mason and I. I knew which one I wanted and searched high and low for it and finally found it. It was shipped to their house and they brought it to our house warming/birthday dinner for me in mid-November. Yes this photo matched the color scheme in my living room which was a wonderful surprise but it also depicts a section of scripture that has become on of my favorites. 

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of goodcheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

What a beautiful reminder. I am afraid in so many ways. I am Peter. I have lost faith, I have questioned the Lord, and cried unto Him to save me. I constantly ask him to give me courage, show me mercy, and to give me the ability to start a family. I am scared to lose another baby, to feel that pain and heartache and experience everything that goes with that trial. And then every month that we try again, or take a step in the right direction, I show my faith. I walk on water, and when I find out that we are not pregnant or when I received that horrible news of dropping hormone levels and impending miscarriage... I sink. Every time I sink and I think I might drown I am amazed when I feel the Lord's hand reach down into the depths and pull me out. He truly saves me. I love the Him for that.

This month of trying was a hard one for me. I allowed myself to get my hopes up which I typically try to avoid. For anyone facing a trial of this magnitude, you know... there are good days and bad days, easy months and hard months, excitement and disappointment and an entire pool of other emotions that play a part. It is all how you choose to deal with them that counts. So I choose to be excited for the holidays! I choose to snuggle any baby I can get my hands on! I choose to look at my blessings and find things each day to be grateful for! I choose to surround myself with family and friends and to look at my wonderful husband and find happiness, and peace. I choose happiness. And let me tell you, that is up to you. Happiness is completely up to you. It's a choice. And that's my choice. There are too many reasons to be happy!

So next Thursday we have an appointment for a check up with Dr. Jones. I need to make sure the antibiotics did their job, reschedule my HSG test and go from there. Here's to hoping that we can get the ball rolling again as soon as possible! Mason and I need us a baby!

Hope this post finds you all enjoying your holidays! XOXO, Randi

Not what we expected.

Tuesday October 14th was the day Mason and I went to the American Fork Hospital to get the HSG test done. We showed up bright and early. They walked me back through Radiology and into a dressing room where changed into a hospital gown. They had me take a pregnancy test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant so that if I was we didn't drench the baby in dye. It was negative which was no surprise to me. After that I was taken into a connecting room with a large machine, a table of horrible looking tools and tubes The nurse was super nice to me because she could tell I was so nervous. I asked all kinds of questions and she answered them so sweetly. I laid back and waited for the doctor to enter the room. Mason was there with me and held my hand the whole time to try and help me calm my nerves... plus the doctor had a TV screen where we would see the dye going through my body and they told us we would be able to find out the results right there. Which made all of the nerves totally worth it!

The doctor came in and started to do the procedure, which was supposed to be uncomfortable but not painful.... I tried to remain calm and breathe and as he went to put the tube in so he could send the dye through I felt the tube hit something and let out a scream of pain. They told me to relax and that it wouldn't hurt and they tried again and BOOM... crazy pain and a curse word from me. The doctor stopped abruptly and told me he was going to take everything out and he did so quickly. I was watching and crying and the doctor waved the nurse out of the room. I looked at Mason in a panic and asked what was going on. He shrugged his shoulders and we just waited. I felt weird and scared and like something was wrong. They were there doing the procedure and then they were gone... and we were sitting there waiting. The doctor came back in and told me that he found some lesions and blisters on my cervix and because of that he was going to be unable to do the procedure. I started frantically asking what that meant and what causes it and if that was why it hurt so bad and he just kept saying that my OBGYN would be able to tell me all of that information. He said that he had put in a call to my doctor at Valley and that they were going to get me in right away to get an exam done. 

Off we went... no answers and a lot of new questions. We went in and Dr. Jones was unavailable so we saw a different doctor in the same office. He said that my cervix was in fairly bad shape and there were a few things it could be. The first thing he wanted me to do was to take an antibiotic since it could have been an  infection from the surgery or even from the progesterone suppository I had used while I was pregnant. He said to take the antibiotic for the rest of the month and then follow up with an appointment in November. 

Meanwhile, we did get the results back from my blood tests... NO Factor IV, NO lupus, NO anything! They all came back clean. Which you would think I would have been thrilled about, but my reaction was a little bit short of that. It was bittersweet. I was happy to have more possibilities crossed off the list and a little bit disappointed that we still don't know WHY I can't carry to full term. Or even past the first two months of pregnancy!
Ya know, there are times when I look at what Mason and I are facing right now with pregnancy, and how it is all we want and could ever wish for, and think... I could be bitter if I wanted. I mean would you blame me? I could be mad, frustrated or depressed and I don't think anyone would blame me one bit. But why would I do that? Why would I lose hope? Or why would I give up? When there is so much potential in this life to be a mother in so many different ways. Mason and I just moved into our first home together and  let me tell you it was nothing short of a spiritual and emotional experience for us both. I in-vision our home as being a safe haven for friends, family and most of all us and our future children. I want it to be nothing short of that. I can be a mother in the way I care for those I love and my ability to show them their worth through understanding, charity and undying compassion. I have that ability. I have been blessed in so many ways during this whole journey. I know I say that all the time. Although I have never faced tribulation quite like this I can't help but see the potential I have to learn from the experience and improve myself because of it.
Mason and I feel so blessed by all of the support we have received and the excitement and encouragement that you have all shown us while we build our home and plug along through this experience! I have loved talking to so many of you and offering counsel, advice, answering questions and being able to use something I've learned through hardship to help others.
I hope this post find you all happy, healthy and excited for the holidays! I know I am  :)

As for our house... it's official! Wahoo! We are homeowners. I love it! Once I get it all decorated I will show you pictures but as for now it is a little dusty and full of boxes. Lots of work for me to do over the next few weeks thats for sure. But I am oh-so happy to do it!

Happy Saturday!

Love,
Randi Rose

Baby Steps.

So I can not believe the amount of love I have gotten since releasing my blog to the public. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude... I have never felt so blessed and am so happy that all of you have reached out to me and shared experiences, well-wishes and most of all your support. Thank you.

So good news is... FINALLY I am out of the "recovery time" that was required for my surgery. I hit my six week mark today and we had a follow-up/planning meeting with our new and most favorite baby doctor, Dr. Jones, this morning. He has by far been the most proactive specialist we have been to and it is so exciting to see progress in the right direction, even if it's just baby steps. So first off he checked my incision and pushed around on my belly. I was able to tell him I FINALLY had a cycle... didn't know if it was ever gonna come back and then it finally decided to rear it's ugly face. I haven't had a cycle since JUNE! People, that's almost half of a pregnancy! But anyways... moving on. He said that was good and continued to tell me what his plans were. He told me 5 things...

#1: No trying - not yet. He wants me to give my body a break from a month or so more since I have physically been through so much. And I won't complain too much because let me tell you... I am not ready to get pregnant again emotionally. I am still working through a little bit of the grieving process and the thought of risking the pain that I went through is still a little scary. It obviously would be totally worth it if everything went better than last time but there isn't any guarantee of that quite yet. Especially because my risk for an ectopic pregnancy has gone up about 15%.

#2: If I do get pregnant... LET HIM KNOW ASAP. He said that once I am pregnant it will be HCG tests every week and very close monitoring and lots of rest for this wanna-be mama to make sure that I don't have another Ectopic and risk losing my other Fallopian tube. He actually used the term "High Risk Pregnancy" this time. (That's scary sounding.) If I were to lose the other tube the only way I could get pregnant from there on out would be through IVF. 

#3: He had me get my blood taken to test for a blood clot disorder called Factor Five Leiden plus Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome and a few other things that may be causing my recurring miscarriages. It will take 1-2 weeks to get those results back... if any of them come back positive he will let me know and I will get my blood taken again in another 4-5 weeks and tested for the same disorder. Then if those tests come back positive it's a confirmed diagnosis. Good new is he said that any of these can be treated with Aspirin and an anticoagulant medication called Heparin.

#4: He gave me an order for the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), better known as the "dye test." During this procedure they shoot dye through a tube, into my body, the dye goes through my Fallopian tubes tube and into the uterus and (if all goes perfect,) spills into my stomach. As the dye runs its course it takes a steady stream of X-Rays and shows us what's going on in there on a screen next to the bed. With me he is mostly concerned about a Uterine Septum, a wall down the middle of my Uterus that is preventing the fertilized egg from implanting correctly. If that is the case it is fixed with surgery to remove that extra lining.

#5: He used the words... "I have NEVER seen this happen to one of my patients" while referring to my Tubal Pregnancy. He even said "your case has kind of haunted me..." He says that it is not normal for the body to be steadily decreasing in HCG and then shoot up crazy high like mine did when I got to the ER that night. That worries him a little just because it would make it extremely hard to diagnose again if it happened. He also said that if all of these tests come back normal and nothing is wrong then he wants me to get pregnant again, take the progesterone suppositories, rest a lot and see if my body naturally develops the baby like a normal pregnancy. If I were to miscarry again he said it would be a little bit puzzling and that he would really have to start "digging" for causes... ummmmm yikes.

So for the next few weeks we are praying that we get some good news back from these tests and that we can move on our merry little way with starting our family. We have been through ALOT these last couple months and I am so ready for a break. It has just been one thing after another as far as injury, trial and disappointment. But we have been able to keep ourselves happy and optimistic because of the help of our family and friends and the amazing Gospel that we are blessed to be members of. We are leaning on our Heavenly Father more than ever and feel his love and grace every morning, day and night. Our prayers are heard, the scriptures teach us everything we need to know and our Heavenly Father is showering us with love and blessings as we continue to faithfully truck through these excruciating trials.

On that note here are five blessings from the past month:

#1: Our house is ONE MONTH away from being move-in ready.... and it is so so beautiful. I want to cry every time I am there because of how blessed I feel that Mason and I have the opportunity to build and live in our first home together. The Lord really is watching out. I believe He knew how badly we would need something this exciting and positive in our lives at this point and that little house on a hill is it.

#2: My little sister had her baby... Asher Grey Dixon. And that little guy is just the sweetest spirit and I love him dearly. Thank Heaven that he arrived safely and that mama is doing wonderful... Needless to say I am a very proud auntie.

#3: I have had a lot of opportunity to take photos for my friends and family as of late. This has given me the chance to go outside, breathe in the fresh air and find a creative outlet that I have needed so badly!

#4: CONFERENCE. Here are a few of the notes I took from my favorite talks. *Challenges are an important part of mortality. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all will be made right in His timing. *It is far more important to lay up treasures in Heaven than on Earth.... [[And my FAVE]] This one was a quote from a story that made me cry my eyes out. "They were not blessed with children but they nurtured all who entered their home... they're home was a Heaven on Earth."

#5: PROGRESS.... When we got to the doctor's office I was so antsy. I was anxious and nervous and feeling more impatient than normal. We got in the exam room and Dr. Jones started telling us his plans moving forward and my heart took a breath. And I felt peace. No these are not answers... No these are not major decisions or major steps... but they are progress. And that is what we need. We need steps in the right direction. We need to know someone is trying to help us fix this. And we need to feel like we are crossing "possibilities" off our list and creating what will hopefully be a narrower idea of what's going on. All I want in life is to be a mom, to love a child and teach them the gospel and be a shining example to them in all the ways that I can be. I want to show them unconditional love, become their confidante and best friend as well as their teacher and disciplinarian. I am beyond ready for that responsibility and the more time I spend with children and babies the more I know that that is my calling here on Earth... Oh my gosh I can not wait.

(Not to mention... Mason is gonna make one hot dad) :)

So I go in on Tuesday the 14th of this month to get the HSG test done. Here's to hoping we get some answers and a little peace of mind. It's just a baby step... but more importantly it's a step in the right direction. Wish us luck!

Until next time,
Randi Rose

Our Infertility Journey

"I know that there is value in sharing our stories, our experiences and our knowledge. Helping others understand infertility and making connections with one another can keep us from suffering alone."

Of all the posts I have written on this blog for some reason this one is the hardest. I have been wrestling with myself over the idea of posting all of my experiences online for my friends and family to read but the quote I wrote above has been written in a notebook on my nightstand for months. And I read it on a regular basis. This blog contains mine and Mason's journey through infertility. Whether you read only this post or go back through the archives to the very beginning, this is the entire story of what we have been through from start to finish.

Unlike a lot of my friends and family I haven't always had a burning desire to be a mom. I didn't start to feel that until I met my Mason. He taught me what it was to love unconditionally and selflessly. Not long into our relationship he opened up to me, leaned on me and at some times carried me and I saw his potential as a father and he helped me to see mine as a mother. Only a couple months after our wedding we knew that our next calling was to become parents. We had nothing. We were newlyweds! We were living with my parents, broke, only had one car and no health insurance and for some reason we felt as if the Lord was pushing us towards that sacred calling. So we took a leap of faith. And boy am I glad that we started trying when we did. 

Mason and I just passed our two year mark of trying to get pregnant, our one year mark of infertility treatments, the due date for our second angel baby and just had our third miscarriage which was accompanied by our first life threatening ectopic pregnancy.

Needless to say our journey has been one full of ups and downs. There is no comparing the feeling of excitement when you find out that you are going to be a mother and there is nothing on this earth more devastating than when that dream is taken from you unexpectedly. 

My only wish for this blog is that it falls into the hands of someone who needs it. I searched for council, for blogs and books, for answers and solace throughout this journey and it was hard to find. It isn't talked about openly. 

To anyone who was wondering... Now you know why I haven't had babies yet. So, please be gentle when you ask. Believe me I would have them if I could! I would give anything in my life to have a sweet one to cuddle during the day and raise to be just like his daddy or a princess to dress just like her mommy. But it will happen in the Lord's time. And I am 100% sure of that fact. The Lord has a plan for each of us and despite how hopeless it looks from our point of view the Lord can see on through the eternities. And His view is a beautiful one.

Feel free to click back through my posts and read about our experiences and watch for more posts in the future. October 10th it's back to the drawing board and on to the next step in our journey. Thank you to all of you have been such a strong support for Mason and I. We are weak without you and feel blessed to have you.

Love,

Randi Rose

August...

At the end of July I scheduled oral surgery to get my wisdom teeth out. My surgery was scheduled for August 5th at 7AM. I let the doctor know before hand that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant and the scheduled surgery fell right after we would be able to take a test and find out one way or another. He just told me to let him and know and that we would plan on it until he heard other wise. (If I was pregnant they wouldn't be able to knock me out, and because of where my teeth were located I had to be put under for the surgery.) So Mason and I tried in July... I ovulated for the FIRST time since my last miscarriage... YAY! And we crossed our fingers and toes. The week before the surgery my boobs were sore, (TMI?) my stomach was uneasy and my emotions were high.... so I was excited and more hopeful than usual. The thursday before my surgery (which was scheduled for a Tuesday) I took a pregnancy test. Negative. UGH! Then on Saturday of that week we were going up to Lagoon with Masons brother and his family so I decided to test one more time and make sure that it was negative so that I knew whether or not I could ride all of the rides. Again... it was negative! I was so confused because I felt so sure... I even had a weak stomach that day... every ride made me sick and I was done well before anyone else was. I was so confused. To be safe, the morning of my surgery I took another pregnancy test and it was still negative. So I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to happen this month and blamed the symptoms of pregnancy to the high dose of Clomed and put on my big girl pants and got the surgery. It was a rough one and I came home that day and was SO sick. My stomach would not stop turning and I had a headache all day and I slept the entire day. Part of which I could tell were the drugs and post surgery side effects but I couldn't figure out why I would be so sick to my stomach. So, the next morning, when Mason ran to Wal Mart to get my prescriptions I took one more pregnancy test. I figured that it would be negative and that I could throw it away and Mason wouldn't know and I wouldn't feel dumb for trying one more time. So I peed on the stick, put the cap on, slipped it back into the wrapper and put it on put it on my nightstand. I fell asleep for a few minutes and woke back up, rolled over, pulled out the stick and.... No. Freaking. Way. I was PREGNANT! I sat on the edge of my bed slipping the pregnancy test out of the wrapper, and back in... and out.... and in. And every time I looked at it I expected it to say something different. Like "oops, not this time" or "tricked ya!" or "try again." But no.... the screen said plain as day.... PREGNANT. When mason walked into the room I was still sitting there and I held up the test, in the wrapper and just stared at him and he just stared at me. And all he said was..... "No..." and then he smiled... and then he tackled me and we stared at the test and laughed and cried and talked about how much we couldn't believe it, and this baby was a fighter and we called the doctor and set up a check up for the next day. Sure enough.... 4.5 weeks prego and due on April 11th, 2015. Mason and I were so excited...

Because of our history or miscarriage it was harder this time. I decided that one way or another I was going to be excited. Not scared. Be positive and celebrate the little life growing in my belly. I didn't want this to be "THE pregnancy," the one that made it all the way and look back and just remember being scared of losing our precious baby, and have no memory of being excited for it! For Mason it was even harder. He had watched me go through the loss. He held me while I cried and he was strong when I was SO weak. He was scared and hesitant. He was excited but that excitement was masked by the fear of losing yet another little one. So life went on and we were nearing our first ultrasound. We were 6 weeks along, we had passed the point that we had miscarried last time! I was ecstatic. I sent Mason a text and he began to show his love for that little baby and we began to day dream. Names, what ifs, nurseries, things we wanted to do and learn about before the little one arrived, when and how we would tell our families. You know... the usual.

It was a Sunday morning... the 17th of August around 2 AM. I sat straight up out of bed and doubled over in pain. I couldn't help but panic. There was no blood, but a pain so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight. Mason sat up next to me and asked what he could do... He helped me out of bed, helped me get dressed and we went to the hospital. They rushed me back in a wheelchair, put in a massive IV and got me liquids and pain killers. They asked me some questions, ya know, last cycle, due date, how far along I was and the hardest one... "Is this your first pregnancy?".... " No.".... "What number is this?".... "Pregnancy #3"......"And how many live births?"..... "None." It's a dagger to the heart and its even harder to watch their expression when you tell them that.

They came in and mentioned some things that the pain could be... It could be a cyst, kidney stones, miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, gas pains.... They acted fairly confident that it was Kidney Stones so I remained positive. The first thing they wanted was a bunch of blood. Next thing they wanted was an ultrasound. Good news was this pain was different than the miscarriages I had had before so I was confident baby was okay. Not to mention when we met with the doctor a couple weeks before he was happy to report that with all of the symptoms I was having the pregnancy must have been going good so far. The more symptoms the better the chances of full term pregnancy and healthy baby. Especially because I had never really had that many symptoms before. So I kept myself positive and tried not be overly excited that the ER nurse had mentioned we should be able to hear a heartbeat! Yes I was in pain but this would be the first baby heart beat I would get to hear! I was beside myself. Mason sat next to me and held my hand while I prayed silently to just hear a few beats of that little ones heart. If I got to experience that it would be worth the pain I was in, a million times over.
They wheeled me into the Ultrasound room and got started. They took pictures of my kidney, ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, bladder and anything else in that region. The ultrasound tech flipped a switch and I could hear a heartbeat! I looked at her with wide eyes and asked if that was baby! She shook her head and told me that that was my heart beat. I watched her intently and waited for her to point out the second beating heart and she didn't. She finished and then told me the doctor would be in with the results. My eyes welled up.
I was wheeled back to the room. The doctor came in a while later and told us that I had a cyst on my ovary that was nearly the same size as my uterus. Normal cysts are around 1 cm. Mine was 3.5 cm. He told me I would need to be on bed rest for the rest of the week because if the cyst were to grow to 5 cm than there was risk of that ovary toppling and cutting off blood supply. That would cause the ovary to die and I would need to have it surgically removed which would lower my chances of getting pregnant again. Then he sat down on a chair next to me and began to ask me questions about when we found out I was pregnant and how far along I was supposed to be... The word that stuck out to me? SUPPOSED to be. I stared at him and waited for the news. He said that my HCG levels were supposed to be double what they were now if I was indeed 6 weeks along. They were at 900. I guess that's not good at 6 weeks. He said that there was a chance that they could increase over night and if they did the pregnancy should last through it but if they dropped than that would tell us that a miscarriage was on its way. He told me that I needed to get my blood taken first thing Monday morning and then see my OB for a follow up. I asked him about the baby... if we could get one of the pictures from the ultrasound and he delivered a little bit more bad news. They were unable to find a heartbeat or a fetus. There wasn't any sign of baby Rose... he said that that could be caused by my low hormones and that at this far along that there was a risk of an ectopic pregnancy. I was numb. Heartbroken.... scared... and numb. Mason was a sweetheart. He got me to the car and held my hand all the way home while I slept. We got home at 8 AM... He got me upstairs where we told my parents that I was pregnant but that there was a risk of miscarriage and we would know more in the morning. I fell asleep and slept most of that Sunday. I woke up mid day with cramping and sharp pains... I knew what was coming. My body was giving up on sweet baby Rose #3.
Monday morning came and we were back at the hospital at 8 AM sharp to get my blood taken. We went to the doctors around 10 AM. They took us into the ultrasound room and made us wait for the doctor. He came in and I knew right away. He sat down and said, "I am so sorry that I have to be the one to deliver this news to you but your HCG levels dropped significantly last night. They were at a 246 when you were tested this morning." I grabbed for Masons hand and broke into a sob. I didn't even try to control it. The doctor said quietly "I'll give you guys a few minutes to process that news." I just cried. And Mason held me so tight. I got myself together and the doctor came back in shortly after. He told me that this was the worst part of his job. And apologized for our loss. He did an ultrasound and checked my cyst. It had reduced in size by a quarter of a centimeter which was good! He also checked for an ectopic pregnancy and said that everything looked good. We talked about some next steps and what we would be planning as far as treatment for the next few months and then we left. Mason called into work and we spent the day together, did some therapy shopping and then watch TV together at home.
The week went by and I remained on bed rest for the cyst. Friday came and I started to actually miscarry. The doctors had told me to watch for pain that was on one side or the other because I was still pregnant and it could still be ectopic. That evening the pain moved to my left side so Mason took me to the ER.... again. They did blood tests and gave me pain killers and told me my HCG level was a 2. So it was officially a miscarriage the doctor said. I was 7 weeks along. Horrible pain and lots of emotions followed and then I was headed back to work that following Monday. I put on a brave face and pushed through my work days but everything made me think of my pregnancy. I cried a few times that week at work but things were starting to get easier, slowly but surely. I had a follow up phone call Friday morning with my doctor and he told me that there was a mistake and my levels were actually at a 157 when I went to the ER last and that that raised some red flags. I told him that I was feeling fine, I had stopped bleeding but he insisted that I needed to get in Saturday to see him. That same Friday evening.... August 29th, the girls from work were all going to dinner with our managers to celebrate how wonderful we did at a sidewalk sale a few months before! I had had some pain that day and a little light headedness which made me a little nervous but I felt alright. Everyone met at work and we carpooled from there. We were headed to Murray to the Cheesecake factory and my friend Morgan needed someone to ride with her so that she could stay up there after and didn't have to drive alone. I would just grab a ride back with someone else. We were almost to the exit when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to ignore it and act normal but it was overwhelming me. I started to panic and told Morgan calmly that I needed to go to the hospital. I called Mason and told him but he was stuck at work. I told him not to worry and that I would let him know once I found out more. Morgan dropped me off at the ER and I hobbled in. The pain was so intense that it was hard to see straight and I was having trouble standing. I tried to wait patiently for the front desk to get me checked in. They finally got to me and sat me down at the registration desk. I gave a brief run through of what was happening and told the nurse that I had miscarried the week before but they had been worried about ectopic, I mentioned my cyst but it was getting harder and harder to think straight. The male nurse gave me attitude and made me feel dumb by telling me that it was probably just the cyst rupturing and that those can be painful and I snapped at him that I had had a cyst rupture... this was worse. He told me, "we have to take serious cases back first. We will get to you as soon as we can." Slapped a bracelet on my wrist and told me to wait in the waiting room.
I sat there for what seemed like forever! 15 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins later I was getting ready to hobble up to the front again and beg for help, I was light headed, I thought I might pass out and people kept going in ahead of me. I prayed as hard as I could that a nurse would come get me; I was alone in the waiting room and crying from the pain and scared. The next thing I know.... a nurse yelled, "Rose, Randi?" I tried to stand up but almost fell over so he had to get a wheelchair. I told him I had been waiting forever, the pain was spreading and that I had recently miscarried a high risk pregnancy. This guy was taking me seriously. Thank you!! He rushed me back to an oversized room, got me oxygen, an IV, lots of pain killers and hooked me up to all sorts of monitors and a nurse call button. I called Mason and told him to come as soon as he could. They brought in two doctors to do the ultrasound. I was scared to death and crying pretty steadily. One of the nurses held my hand and the ultrasound tech told me that there was some internal bleeding and that that was normally a sign of an Ectopic pregnancy.
How could that be? I had miscarried. A week ago. I had stopped bleeding. But now it was happening all over again? This was my worst nightmare.
Mason was there with me soon after that and by then I had stopped crying and was pretty out of it from the pain medication. The doctor came in a few minutes after Mason got there and looked at my ultrasound results. He told me that there was blood in my abdomen and a few other signs of an ectopic pregnancy. They wouldn't know how bad the damage was until they got in there but that he was going to call the surgeon and get her opinion. We called my family and let them know and waited for more information. All of a sudden everyone was moving a lot faster. The surgeon came in and told me that my left fallopian tube had ruptured and that it would need to be removed. She said that they were going to be by within the next few minutes to get me for surgery.

I was numb. And stunned.

The doctors came by, gave Mason a bag for my stuff and got me admitted to the hospital. Everything went pretty quickly after that. Mason followed the bed as they wheeled me to the operation room and kissed me before they pointed him to the waiting room. I put on a brave face but I was scared to death. We were rushing down hallways and then they parked me just outside of an operating room. Each nurse came by and introduced themselves. The doctors and anesthesiologist came and talked to me and then wheeled me in. The last thing I remembered was them wrapping my arms in foam and strapping them down to my sides. I was shaking now. Then they put on a mask and hooked me up to a fluid and I was out before the doctor finished telling me what to count to.

Two hours later I was waking up. My mom, dad and perfect husband were there. I had a hard time focusing but once I came to Mason told me that I had done well. They removed the left fallopian tube but it shouldn't reduce my chances of getting pregnant. He said the doctors told him it was possible that it was a "twin pregnancy" since I had miscarried the previous week. They said I had blood up to my rib cage and that they removed most of it... over a pound of blood was taken from my abdomen. My estimated recovery time was two and half weeks of bed rest. Which brings us to today. My two and a half week mark.

I am doing better. They caught a nerve the width of fishing line in my right side stitches. They said that it would take 3 to 6 months to heal completely. It has caused some constant pain but I am beginning to learn how to avoid it and what I can and can't do while it heals. Besides that the pain is beginning to subside. I still hurt if I am fairly active for an entire day and I have trouble walking long distances. I can't lift heavy things and I wear a compression brace to ease the pain on my right side. So if you see me hobbling around that's why. As for my emotions... I am trying to learn how to cope. I have been preoccupied with the pain my body has dealt with and the extensive recovery that I have been trying to deal with... Pain, nausea, headaches, loss of appetite, low energy, and inability to do lots of things for myself have all worn me down. It has been a hard month for our small Rose family but we have been each others greatest strength. I could not have survived this hellish month without my one and only love of my life, Mason. He has cooked, cleaned, worked full time, helped me in and out of bed, helped me dress myself and get up and down the stairs, brought me medicine, filled prescriptions, ran errands, kept me preoccupied by spoiling me with things for our home and new clothes to wear once I am recovered, and not to mention showered me with compliments daily to boost my hurt confidence and keep me smiling. He is my superman. My hero. And I could not have made it through without him. (I love you dearly Mas.) As for treatment plans... we have a follow up appointment the 10th of August. Until then our treatment plan is to spend time together and learn to cope with what has happened as of late. It has been far from easy but with the support of our friends and family we are making it through. Thank you for all your support and well wishes and for those of you struggling with similar things I am praying for you. This trial is tragic, it's life consuming, heart wrenching and so unbearable at times. Just know you're not alone. You are loved... and watched over and cared for.... by a loving Heavenly Father. Cry, get mad and let it out but... DO NOT GIVE UP! Be hopeful and have faith. Despite what we have been through and the trials we have faced... I can not help but know with all my heart that everything will be ok.



[[ to my 3 (maybe 4) angel babies in Heaven. you are so loved. xo ]]

A puppy is like a baby... right??

 Well I feel like I have fallen a little behind. It's been a while. I have so much to say and so little patience to sit here and write it all :) but I will. So here it goes. First and foremost... I have a baby. And by baby I mean puppy. His name is Ruca, he is a chocolate lab and he is my little cure for my broken-baby-makin'-part-blues. He is so fun and so crazy and I just love that I have a little life to care for aside from my own. No it's not a baby, but it is close enough for me for right now. And he definitely has been a blessing to me in the sense that he pulled me out of a really hard, miserable rutt that I was in. These past couple months have been a little rocky and rough while we waited for answers from our change of treatment/doctor.
He is the sweetest and boy does that little guy love his mama. He is excited when Mason and I come home and would cuddle us all day and night if we would let him. He has learned to sit and will lay down on command... almost. And he knows his name even though he ignores us most of the time. He holds his leash in his mouth when we walk him and I think it's adorable that he wants to be the boss. He is such a little personality and we just love him!

Since the last post we have also moved in with my parents. Again. It was a hard choice to make because boy did we love where we were living, but we decided in order to save up for our gorgeous soon-to-be home we would live with them for a while and put that rent towards appliances and new furniture instead. Which we have done! We have almost already paid off a giant fridge and my dream washer and dryer! And we still have 4 months!! Wahoo! I am really proud of us! We are going to be able to pay for it all outright instead of financing it into the house. We just got debt free so for us to choose to pay for it out of pocket is a huge step for us. It was always to easy to finance but I really feel like we are doing it right this time. Which is good! A home is such a big purchase! 

So besides all of that we also changed doctors. Like I said in my last post... fresh start. We decided to start going to Valley OBGYN and Dr. Melendez is our new doctor. He is funny, lighthearted, and has a lot of knowledge and knows of a bunch of studies that support his proposed course of treatment. Which Mason loved. Plus he says I can drink Coke still. Which I loved. All of June the Dr. took me off of Clomed. He told me to give my body a rest. Which I was more than okay with. He says that studies show that if your body gets too used to taking Clomed every month it will start to react to it as a contraceptive instead of a pill to help you get preggers. So that could explain why my progesterone was going down and not going up. So we did that. And it was so nice to have a break from all of those hormones and just feel like my normal self for the entire month. He did ask us to check to see if my body ovulated off of the Clomed and it was no shock to us that it didn't. The news still had a little bit of a sting to it even though I semi-expected it. Bad new is always bad no matter how many times you hear it. Aside from that he wanted us to change our "calendar" around a little bit and try something different from what we have been doing. So we did that. And Doc also wanted us to get a Hysterosalpingogram. Or HSG test. Or "dye test." Whatever you would like to call it. It is where they shoot a dye through the uterus and fallopian tubes and then a machine takes a steady stream of X-rays of the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any problems, blockages or scar tissue that is preventing the egg from planting into the wall of the uterus. It also, hopefully, helps us figure out why I haven't been able to carry my babies to full term. So hopefully.... this means answers. 
I recently started reading a book that my therapist had suggested I read called "Infertility: Health, hope and healing." It is written by an LDS author and talks a lot about the experiences of women in the church and how they dealt with infertility. It talks about the Mormon perspective on family, the innocent questions that people ask in our every day lives that may hurt, and she talks about a lot of women in the scriptures that dealt with infertility. Which has helped me a lot. It is so hard to not feel alone when you struggle with something so personal that isn't openly talked about in day to day life. There are at least 3 or 4 times a day where I feel like talking about my situation or sharing my feelings about something someone says but I bight my tongue because my infertility struggle is some sort of secret. Either that or I am forced into opening up about it by people who don't realize they're questions are a little on the invasive side for someone who just met me. It is hard when people ask, "any kids?" and I say something like "not yet!" or "we're working  on it!" and people feel it necessary to pry and ask "WHY no kids?" or "do you just not feel ready?" Yikes. Then I give a brief synopsis of our situation and it turns into..."Well at least your husband and you are getting to know each other and enjoying the kid free life." or "Well you're still young!" or "Enjoy no kids while it lasts.... once you have them you can't give them back! *pitty/awkward laughs*" OH. BOY. I have heard it all. Yes I am ready. Yes I will get to know my husband better. Yes I am young.... guys... still hurts. I know they don't know it hurts but that doesn't mean it doesn't. This is my life right now. This is my reality and my daily struggle. 
The more I think on it and the more that I wonder about why I am even writing this blog that no one can read I realize that one day, and probably someday soon, I will be able to share it. Share my story and my struggles and my process so that someone in my situation can benefit from it in the future. So that they don't feel alone. So that they don't search for support desperately. It will be out there. When they look for someone who feels what they feel, or experienced what they are experiencing they can find it. 

"I believe that God will always make a way where there is no way... I believe that if we will walk in obedience to the commandments of God He will open a way even where there appears to be no way." 

1 NEPHI 3:7- 7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Guys. There is it. God is going to make a way. There is a way. It is a commandment to have a family... to have kids... to be a unit with a husband, wife and kids. And because I know that is a commandment from God himself I also know that He is providing a way for me to be a mom or else He would not have commanded me to do so. Whether it is adoption in a few years or the natural way within the next few months. Or one of the several other ways to mother... like being a nursery or primary teacher or taking care of family members in need or being an example to nieces/nephews or being a mother in the eternities after this Earthly life... I know God sees me as a mother. I know I am a mother at heart and hopefully soon I will be one here on Earth. I know God will provide a way. Just waiting patiently for it to happen :)