A puppy is like a baby... right??

 Well I feel like I have fallen a little behind. It's been a while. I have so much to say and so little patience to sit here and write it all :) but I will. So here it goes. First and foremost... I have a baby. And by baby I mean puppy. His name is Ruca, he is a chocolate lab and he is my little cure for my broken-baby-makin'-part-blues. He is so fun and so crazy and I just love that I have a little life to care for aside from my own. No it's not a baby, but it is close enough for me for right now. And he definitely has been a blessing to me in the sense that he pulled me out of a really hard, miserable rutt that I was in. These past couple months have been a little rocky and rough while we waited for answers from our change of treatment/doctor.
He is the sweetest and boy does that little guy love his mama. He is excited when Mason and I come home and would cuddle us all day and night if we would let him. He has learned to sit and will lay down on command... almost. And he knows his name even though he ignores us most of the time. He holds his leash in his mouth when we walk him and I think it's adorable that he wants to be the boss. He is such a little personality and we just love him!

Since the last post we have also moved in with my parents. Again. It was a hard choice to make because boy did we love where we were living, but we decided in order to save up for our gorgeous soon-to-be home we would live with them for a while and put that rent towards appliances and new furniture instead. Which we have done! We have almost already paid off a giant fridge and my dream washer and dryer! And we still have 4 months!! Wahoo! I am really proud of us! We are going to be able to pay for it all outright instead of financing it into the house. We just got debt free so for us to choose to pay for it out of pocket is a huge step for us. It was always to easy to finance but I really feel like we are doing it right this time. Which is good! A home is such a big purchase! 

So besides all of that we also changed doctors. Like I said in my last post... fresh start. We decided to start going to Valley OBGYN and Dr. Melendez is our new doctor. He is funny, lighthearted, and has a lot of knowledge and knows of a bunch of studies that support his proposed course of treatment. Which Mason loved. Plus he says I can drink Coke still. Which I loved. All of June the Dr. took me off of Clomed. He told me to give my body a rest. Which I was more than okay with. He says that studies show that if your body gets too used to taking Clomed every month it will start to react to it as a contraceptive instead of a pill to help you get preggers. So that could explain why my progesterone was going down and not going up. So we did that. And it was so nice to have a break from all of those hormones and just feel like my normal self for the entire month. He did ask us to check to see if my body ovulated off of the Clomed and it was no shock to us that it didn't. The news still had a little bit of a sting to it even though I semi-expected it. Bad new is always bad no matter how many times you hear it. Aside from that he wanted us to change our "calendar" around a little bit and try something different from what we have been doing. So we did that. And Doc also wanted us to get a Hysterosalpingogram. Or HSG test. Or "dye test." Whatever you would like to call it. It is where they shoot a dye through the uterus and fallopian tubes and then a machine takes a steady stream of X-rays of the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any problems, blockages or scar tissue that is preventing the egg from planting into the wall of the uterus. It also, hopefully, helps us figure out why I haven't been able to carry my babies to full term. So hopefully.... this means answers. 
I recently started reading a book that my therapist had suggested I read called "Infertility: Health, hope and healing." It is written by an LDS author and talks a lot about the experiences of women in the church and how they dealt with infertility. It talks about the Mormon perspective on family, the innocent questions that people ask in our every day lives that may hurt, and she talks about a lot of women in the scriptures that dealt with infertility. Which has helped me a lot. It is so hard to not feel alone when you struggle with something so personal that isn't openly talked about in day to day life. There are at least 3 or 4 times a day where I feel like talking about my situation or sharing my feelings about something someone says but I bight my tongue because my infertility struggle is some sort of secret. Either that or I am forced into opening up about it by people who don't realize they're questions are a little on the invasive side for someone who just met me. It is hard when people ask, "any kids?" and I say something like "not yet!" or "we're working  on it!" and people feel it necessary to pry and ask "WHY no kids?" or "do you just not feel ready?" Yikes. Then I give a brief synopsis of our situation and it turns into..."Well at least your husband and you are getting to know each other and enjoying the kid free life." or "Well you're still young!" or "Enjoy no kids while it lasts.... once you have them you can't give them back! *pitty/awkward laughs*" OH. BOY. I have heard it all. Yes I am ready. Yes I will get to know my husband better. Yes I am young.... guys... still hurts. I know they don't know it hurts but that doesn't mean it doesn't. This is my life right now. This is my reality and my daily struggle. 
The more I think on it and the more that I wonder about why I am even writing this blog that no one can read I realize that one day, and probably someday soon, I will be able to share it. Share my story and my struggles and my process so that someone in my situation can benefit from it in the future. So that they don't feel alone. So that they don't search for support desperately. It will be out there. When they look for someone who feels what they feel, or experienced what they are experiencing they can find it. 

"I believe that God will always make a way where there is no way... I believe that if we will walk in obedience to the commandments of God He will open a way even where there appears to be no way." 

1 NEPHI 3:7- 7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Guys. There is it. God is going to make a way. There is a way. It is a commandment to have a family... to have kids... to be a unit with a husband, wife and kids. And because I know that is a commandment from God himself I also know that He is providing a way for me to be a mom or else He would not have commanded me to do so. Whether it is adoption in a few years or the natural way within the next few months. Or one of the several other ways to mother... like being a nursery or primary teacher or taking care of family members in need or being an example to nieces/nephews or being a mother in the eternities after this Earthly life... I know God sees me as a mother. I know I am a mother at heart and hopefully soon I will be one here on Earth. I know God will provide a way. Just waiting patiently for it to happen :)

Sometimes things just don't go as planned...

So this month Mason and I were able to celebrate our 2 years anniversary! Woot woot! My wonderful husband planned a 4 day, 3 night trip to Park City without me knowing! He told me we were going somewhere, what to pack and then made me cover my eyes for half of the trip. Little cutie. He made me hold my pillow in front of my face for about 10 minutes while we got off the freeway and stopped... somewhere. I had no idea. Then he ripped the pillow down and yelled "SURPRISE!" And we were at the ZOO!

He is just the sweetest. We spent the day at the zoo together and acted like kids, which is my favorite thing to do with Mason. I don't think we will ever grow up all the way.

After the zoo we headed to Park City and he didn't make me cover my eyes anymore :) We stayed at our fave resort, Westgate, and went shopping, visited the Olympic Park, went swimming and hot tubbing and Mason even took me to a chick flick one of the days! We slept in and played Wii U on the big screen in our bedroom and went to a fancy dinner at Edge Steakhouse our last night there. It was the best. It's a good thing we went a week early on our trip too because the night of our anniversary was one to remember... but not in the best way. Mason and I both got food poisoning and ended up at the hospital through the night. We even had to call my dad to come pick us up. We got heavy pain killers for abdominal pains, lots of liquids because we were dehydrated and some stomach medicine that made us pretty much pass out into a coma for about 2 days straight. The nurses felt so bad when we told them it was our anniversary they even pushed our beds together. Talk about an anniversary to remember.

Our month has been pretty great. We are blessed beyond reason and can see how well Heavenly Father is taking care of us... even if we don't always feel like we deserve it. Although this month has been mostly "ups" and not so many "downs" we did receive a piece of not so welcomed news on our way to Park City. As I told you last time our doctors upped my dose of CloMed to the highest dose that they will allow me to take. All month I had horrible, frequent hot flashes followed by headaches, and severe mood swings that made me feel cray cray... so I thought FOR SURE the CloMed was working its magic. However, it turns out that it wasn't. I have my doctor and the nurses stumped because even though I followed the "baby makin calendar" to a "T," took all my pills, watched for symptoms and got my blood taken on the right day... my progesterone was only a 4. Even lower than last month. How that's possible since we upped my dose I have no clue and neither do the nurses or my doctor really. So Mason and I have decided to get some other opinions. I have 2 appointments with 2 different doctors in American Fork in June. One of them works hand in hand with Utah Fertility Center so we are excited to give that a try, and then the other doctor works at a clinic I used to go to when I was younger. We are going to listen to both of their perspectives and courses of treatment and see who we feel would be a good fit for us. We loved Dr. Twede and I would recommend him to anyone but unfortunately he doesn't take my insurance which is kind of forcing our hand in having to try new doctors. But I figure there is probably a reason for it because I strongly believe there is a reason for everything, especially through this process. You just kind of have to believe it. So we are getting all my records sent over so the other doctors can review them and then it's back to the drawing board. Hopefully someone can give me some answers soon. I am so done waiting... and my heart re-breaks every month when my tests come back with negative answers. We are almost at 2 years of trying and 1 year of infertility treatment. That blows my mind! I keep thinking, "God, anytime now would be great!" but then I have to stop myself and remember that He does have a plan. And even though it's so so so hard somedays... I need to remain faithful and hopeful. I really wonder what that plan is sometimes but I know that whatever it is God is going to take care of me, Mason and our little future family. Feel free to come anytime babies... we are ready for ya!

Aside from that we finished designing our house from top to bottom, we are puppy shopping, and saving money to go pick our furniture and appliances for our new home! October can't come fast enough! I also got a new job at Amara Day Spa in Orem and I absolutely love it. 

All in all my message this time is sometimes things just don't go as planned. You can hope and hope and imagine things going one way but that doesn't meant they will. I don't mean for that to sound sad or "woah-is-me" but it is the harsh truth. I planned on being pregnant this month. There... I said it... but you know what, I'm not. And surprisingly, after a few days to mull it over, I am okay with it. As okay as one can be in my situation. And the only reason that is the case is because I know without a sliver of doubt in my mind that God has a plan. He knows me, He thinks of me, and He is waiting for the right time to send me one of His sweetest spirits to care for. We may be down here on Earth scratching our heads and questioning what in the heck is going on but there is no need to trouble our hearts with the what-ifs and the if-onlys. It's best to look up and to say... "I trust you." I trust my Heavenly Father. I struggle daily with the fact that I am not a mother yet, and I cry multiple times throughout the weeks and months because it hurts my heart to the very core. More than anything I have experienced before. But because Christ suffered for our sins and took upon Himself our pains and sorrows I know that I am not alone in that sadness. I am not alone in this trial. I am never, ever alone. He is with me, He knows me and sometimes things don't go as planned here on Earth but it's only because God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine in store for me. And there is no sweeter knowledge than that.

A Progesterone Dip && Hospital Trip

So as briefly mentioned in the last post... Mason and I are building a house! YAY!! We chose a beautiful lot above Highland Highway. It has a gorgeous view of the valley and is being built in the first of 9 phases of development in that area. Our home is going to have a walkout basement, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and an unfinished basement to grow into. We couldn't be more excited. We met with that architect last week to make all of the adjustments to the floor plan and finalize how the home was going to be built. It was so fun to customize our little home and we can't wait to see how it turns out! Then next step will be to customize the exterior of the home and then our last appointment will allow us to customize everything on the inside!
Besides that we have still been trying to get pregnant. Duh. The house has been keeping me nice and distracted for the most part but Mother's Day did bring up some sad feelings for both Mason and I. Me more than him. I just let myself think about how far along I would have been by now, and that I would know the sex of the baby and that Mason and I would be celebrating my first year as a mother. I let those feelings consume me for just a few little moments throughout the day before I quickly reminded myself of the other blessings in my life. Namely... Mason. Mason is amazing. He bought me beautiful flowers on Saturday and brought them home with him after work. He reminded me that I don't need to have kids to be a mother. I am a mother. To my close friends, my
family members and other loved ones... what is a mother but someone who is loving, nurturing, protective and proud of the people she is a mother to. Sheri Dew's talk called "Aren't we all Mothers?" is amazing and I highly recommend it to those of you struggling with infertility! It is uplifting and speaks to those of us who long to be mothers but for whatever reason have not been able to take part in that wonderful blessing of motherhood.
Last month my progesterone level was shockingly, and for no apparent reason, extremely low. An 8 to be exact. Now remember to have any chance of being pregnant it has to be a 17 or higher. An 8.... is heart wrenching. And the worst part is we had no idea why. I took all of the pills, took them on time and made sure to follow the calendar to a tee. So when the doctor called they upped my dose of Clomed again and told me to change just a couple things in my regimen to help. When it comes to Clomed the recommended dose is 1-2 pills, once a day for 5 days. You start at one pill and if that doesn't work move to two. We made that switch in January and I began taking 2 pills everyday for 5 days. Well the highest Clomed dose that is allowed is 3 pills or 150 mg. That's what they bumped me to this month. So fingers crossed that this works and that if it does I can carry to full term with no issues. If I have a third miscarriage we will have to begin tests to figure out what is going on that is not allowing me to carry to full term. If the Clomed doesn't work at this dose than it is back to the drawing board to start from square one. Yikes.... we really don't want that.
Aside from all of that we had a scare earlier this month. I always have horrible cramps when I begin
my cycle. Like the kind that make you have to call into work, lay in bed all day and keep yourself drugged up on IB profin and Midol with a heating pad on your stomach. This month though it was way worse than it should have been. Scary bad, I dare say equal to that of my last miscarriage. I called Mason and he rushed home and took me to the ER. They took a few ultrasounds, a lot of blood and gave me a hefty dose of Morphine to kill the pain. They found a lot of fluid in my lower abdomen and determined that it was an ovarian cyst about 2 CM that had ruptured. That doesn't sound big, but it is compared to that tiny little ovary it was attached to. I have had cysts before but this was by far the biggest. And so was the pain. Being in the hospital brought back a lot of bad memories from the night I miscarried. It was like living it all over again. Same tests, same pains and same feelings of fear. I think that hurt the most. We drove by the hospital last night on our way home and without even realizing it I was gazing at it out the window. Mason grabbed my hand and said "We have a lot of bad memories there, but not to long and we will have the happiest memory of our whole life there." He is the sweetest. And I know he is right. This whole hardship, for lack of a better term, sucks. It has really tested my body and mine and Mason's patience and understanding. But one day when I'm 7 months pregnant and holding my belly while that little angel kicks around in there I am going to look back and say I'd do it all over again. I am going to love that little nugget more than they will ever know. And just like Mason reminded me last night... that hospital is going to be the place where we receive the greatest blessing of our lives and then it won't be such a bad place anymore. It will be the place where we met and fell in love with our long-awaited little Rosebud.

Happiest Place on Earth.

Like I said, my wonderful husband said he would take me to Disneyland... and he did. There is no one that I would rather spend my life with than him. He is the sweetest, most genuine, honestly caring and amazing person to ever walk this Earth. I just know it. He is quite sincerely my angel. That's what he always calls me... he says I am an angel to him, but I am 100% sure that it is the other way around. He is so willing to do anything for me to ease this burden and has truly put himself before me in all of this. I swear he has also developed this power where he can read my mind. Sometimes when we are driving and my mind starts wondering, (like it did several times during this dreamy disneyland trip,) back to the hardships that we have been through and are continuing to face... he will reach over and say things like, "I know it's hard," or simply, "I love you." It just makes it all better... or makes me cry. Either way... in the end I feel relieved. He knows me so well, just like he knew Disneyland would take my mind off things, just long enough to get myself motivated and excited about other things in our life again! I have only been begging him to take me since we started dating almost 5 years ago :)

We had a wonderful time and are so blessed that everything worked out so perfectly that we were able to go on such short notice. Here are some pictures from our trip! We were there from Sunday night until Thursday. Then we spent a night in Vegas and got back home on Friday. It was a dream! (I am already begging him to plan our next trip to the happiest place on Earth!)

 

MASON GETTING HIS FIRST PEDICURE
Don't let him tell you otherwise... He loved it.

There are two things that I want to make sure I keep 100% clear on this blog.

#1: Mine and Mason's life together is not PERFECT. It is absolutely wonderful and it is surreal to me that we have been as blessed as we have in so many ways. Just like others though we struggle, we fight and get on each others nerves and then we laugh it off and hug it out and move on! I feel like so many people through the eyes of social media have these perfect lives, with the perfect house, the perfect job, a flawless relationship, and all these THINGS that must make their lives just... perfect. But when it comes down to it... it just isn't that way in real life. And I am not bogging down the wonderful connection and relationship Mason and I have been blessed with. I just want people to see that we are REAL people with REAL hard struggles and we just happen to be able to love each other through it. 

#2: Mine and Mason's life is also not BAD. I am blogging about this struggle that Mason and I are facing. I'm hoping to inspire and comfort others who are also going through infertility battles. But we have also been SO blessed is SO many other ways. I never want it sound like I am crying "woah-is-us" our life is so horrible. That is also far from the truth. When we started "trying" we were living in my parent's guest bedroom, only one of us had a job, neither of us had health benefits, we were buried in debt and had a car with a shattered windshield and a $400 beater that my parents gifted to us. We did NOT have it together. We just knew that for some crazy, unfathomable reason God was saying... just "try."  So we did. And now I know why we started trying when we did. Because God knew it was going to be a long battle. But since that decision God has also blessed us so tremendously. It's as if he was saying... get your crap together while you have the chance. For how bitter this trial has been and how angry I have been at God sometimes and for how many times I have questioned Him and His plan... He sure does know what He is doing. Since we made that huge decision with His help, He has given us so much. We are debt free, building our first home (more to come on that later), Mason is kicking butt at work and providing a wonderful life for us, and we have been given the opportunities to go on more dates and trips and spend this time before parenthood really growing our relationship. And how ungrateful I would be if I did not give ALL of that credit to my Heavenly Father. I do know how much He loves me. And I do know he wants to ease this burden and relieve this pain for us. It doesn't fill that baby shaped hole in my heart but it does warm my soul to know that we are on our way to providing a wonderful life for that sweet angel when it does come.

My message, this time, for those of you struggling with infertility:

Write a journal, or a blog. Writing all of this down will be a testimony to those in your future that you may encounter that are going through the same thing. Also, your future children will see how excited you were to meet them and maybe it will shed light on just a tiny spec of the amount that you love them, even though they will surely never fully comprehend it. 

Go to therapy if you think it will help, do not be afraid to be weak... this is a hard thing and it takes a strong person to know that they need help getting through it. 

Another thing I have learned... stop planning your life as if you are pregnant or will give birth any second. I did that for months. I took a job that was part time so that "when I got pregnant," I would have the time to be sick or be at home. I also was afraid to plan a trip or go to a theme park, "in case I got pregnant" after we planned it. I was scared to take up new hobbies or work full time or do anything that MIGHT take away from my baby once it decided to come. When it happens it will happen, and then go from there and change your life where you see fit. But do not postpone life and WAIT to be pregnant or you may look back one day and see all that time that you could have been spending improving this life for that child or for yourself. Take every day one day at a time... Say to yourself "what can I do to get through TODAY." And do that. Do not plan every day for your future's benefit. Choose to be happy right now.

Be Still My Soul, The Lord Is On Thy Side.

I don’t remember exactly what the date was, but I know it was a Wednesday. The day before was a Tuesday which was mine and Mason’s day off and we had gotten “Announcement” pictures taken by one of my friends from work so that we could announce it on Valentine’s day to the rest of our friends. I woke up that sunny Wednesday morning and got ready for the day. I was going to lunch with some girlfriends and was excited to share my news with them, since they were mommies too. I didn’t know why but for some reason I felt weird that day. Just off, ya know. While I was driving back with Carly and Tayler to get my car I had mentioned how scared I was that something was gonna go wrong. It was just all so wonderful, that something like that would be so hard. They comforted me and I calmed down but my stomach was turning, literally. Something was wrong.

I went and saw Mason and he comforted me as well and just told me I needed to go home and take a nap. I was having some light cramps and feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach more than usual. I got home and went to lie down… and then it happened. The cramps took over my entire body, forcing me to the bathroom. I was so sick. I called Mason and he came home. I got in the bathtub and tried to relax and feel better. Mason gave me a blessing and in it he told me “no matter what happens know that Jesus Christ and your Heavenly Father know you and are concerned for you and will take care of you through everything that your body is going to have to go through.” Shortly after that blessing my body gave up on my precious little baby.

We waited it out to see if the bleeding got better and if the pain would subside but it didn’t. I was mad, confused, screaming, crying, completely distraught and a number of other emotions I can’t even put into words. We called my parents and they came down to the hospital and waited, so patiently, in the waiting room until all of the tests were done. They did ultrasounds, blood work and gave me morphine for the pain. We were there for about 4 hours. The doctor came in and sat down next to me and as I held Mason’s hand he confirmed, so gently, the Earth shattering news. They put me on bed rest for 4 days and gave me pain meds to control the cramping I was going to be put through over the next few days and then sent me home.
They wheeled me out to my car where I got to hug my mom and dad and then my sweet, supporting, and loving husband took me to get food and took me home and held me while I cried it out. The next few days were some of the hardest days I have ever had. And he loved me through all of them.

We set a follow up appointment with my doctor for the next week to get some tests done and talk about “next steps.” They confirmed that this was indeed my second miscarriage and that if I had another one this next month that more tests and procedures would be needed if I had hope of getting pregnant. The doctor told me he thinks it is a hormone deficiency that possibly caused my miscarriage. He said that when my levels were supposed to go UP as I got further into the pregnancy, mine instead, went down. When I went to the ER, at 7 weeks I was supposed to be at a 14,000 progesterone level and I was at a 3.

The miscarriage was the worst thing I have ever been through. I thought trying to get pregnant was hard but I was wrong. Losing a baby, no matter how small and new they are, is devastating.  I have never felt so many feelings at once. Confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, and more. I hid at my house for a week just trying to figure out how to process what had just happened.

To be honest I originally wrote this just to allow myself to unload all of these experiences somewhere... so they weren't constantly swimming circles in my head. I wasn't ever intending to share my story. I was honestly writing this for my little family and for my future baby Rosebuds. (Hence the name "Writing for Rosebuds") But maybe it's meant for more than that. I want those around me to understand what Mason and I have been facing this last little while... I have had people ask me A LOT when we are going to have babies and telling me how cute they will be and that we NEED to have one. But life isn't always that simple. God has a different plan for us.

For those of you, and I know you are out there, that are struggling with infertility, miscarriages and even if you just started trying and aren’t pregnant quite yet and are starting to get a little tickle of fear or worry... I know it is hard. I really do. I know how hard it is. Please, don’t lose hope. I wish I could look you in the eyes and tell you that you are NOT alone. I remember searching for stories of infertility and blogs about trying to start a family and all of those materials that help you feel like you aren’t the only one having the confusing feelings you are feeling.It is hard. Just like other trials that people face. But be strong and be faithful and just know that God will not let you down.

This month Mason and I tried again. We prayed ALOT. We had hope, faith and the courage to take another pregnancy test. It was negative. With a 17 progesterone level the chances were low so we were prepared for the news. I even asked Mason to take me to Disneyland if we weren't pregnant this month... so in two weeks we will find ourselves in the happiest place on Earth! At the end of this month the process starts again. And we will be fresh faced and hopeful that high progesterone levels are in my future along with a beautiful new addition on the way. Fingers crossed! As for those of you who are finding yourself in this position...

Stay strong, lean on your Heavenly Father, and never lose hope. No matter what happens or what you have to go through it will be worth it when you get to hold your precious baby in your arms for the first time. Whether it’s through adoption, surrogacy, envitro, the “old fashioned way,” or whichever process works for you... that moment will so tremendously outweigh all of the hard things you may have to go through to get there. No matter how long it takes.

34.6: My New Lucky Number

In January I went and got my progesterone taken. My  progesterone level? It was a 34.6. WOHOO!!! The highest yet! The doctor even said it was high enough that IF I did get pregnant we could be

having TWINS! (Most of you might be a little nervous about that but I was ECSTATIC. If it was twins… in my eyes… The more the merrier!!) So we waited patiently to take our monthly pregnancy test. By this time I was acting as if I didn’t think I would be pregnant just so I wouldn’t have my hopes shattered if I wasn’t, but I had that glimmer of hope from the Progesterone test that maybe, just maybe, I might be. I had been really abnormally tired and had been having hot flashes so I thought it was time to take the test. Mason got up one morning and I sent him to the grocery store to pick up a pack of them. (By this time we were buying in bulk.) I told him to “get the good kind,” just in case. He came home and I went in and took the test and set it upside down on the counter. (By now we had made a promise that we would check the tests together in case it actually came back positive. We wanted to share that exciting moment together when it did happen.) I grabbed Mason after a few minutes and we went over and lifted the test. We looked at it and went to throw it away like normal, but I hesitated. Was that a faint, little itty bitty, second pink line?? My best friend Carly was staying over that night so she came in when she heard me freak out. I showed Mason AND Carly the test and we tried to remain calm as I called the nurse at the doctor’s office. This is about how the conversation went:

Nurse: “Hello? This is Heather”
(I knew who Heather was since I had spoken to her on the phone and seen her so many times at this point. I was glad it was her that answered since I felt kind of silly calling.)

Me: “Heather! So, I took my pregnancy test like usual and… it has a second line. Like, a really faint one, really really light but it is getting darker. Is there a chance that means I might be pregnant? Or does it have to be really obviously dark?”
(Picture me and Carly and Mason all sitting on my bed together, one of them at each of my sides eves-dropping on my convo with Heather.)

Nurse: (kind of chuckling at me,) “YAY!! How exciting Randi! That most definitely means you are pregnant, congrats! Even if it’s a faint line, it’s still a line!”

Me: (nervously chuckling, weird pause.) “……………………..what do I do now!?!”
(By this time Mason, Carly and Heather are all kind of laughing with me. Shock does funny things to the body and mind.)

Nurse: “Come in today at 1 PM and we will get you tested here at the office to make sure!”

So, we set an appointment with the Doctor for that afternoon. Right after the phone call Mason said, “We should pray!” And there we were, me, Mason and Carly, dropped to our knees at the side of me

and Mason’s bed and we prayed. And we cried, and hugged, and celebrated. I took that little test and put it in a baggy and took it with me to show the nurse. She took her test and came in and confirmed! We were FINALLY pregnant! She said our Due Date was September 21st. And that I was about 5 weeks along at this point. I have NEVER cried so many tears of joy. I was on cloud nine. I was SO in love with this new little baby in my stomach. Even though it was small, it was ours, a little piece of Mason and a little piece of me. I have never had happier weeks that those weeks after we found out.

Mason took me to Barnes and Noble the following week and we picked out books on parenting. “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” a couple of Baby Name Books, “Dude, You’re Gonna Be a Dad” for Mason, and a baby bump journal for me! We had to go to Target to buy a body pillow for me because I was already uncomfortable sleeping on my stomach, it made me sick, which was weird since I had always been a

stomach sleeper. While we were there Mason and I swooned as we strolled through the baby isles, daydreaming about nursery decorations and talking strollers and reading about the car seats, not to mention drooling and cooing over the baby clothes. It was all so real, and we were so happy. I have never felt that close to Heaven and I had never been that grateful in all my years as a member of the LDS church. I recognized what a blessing it was and that it was all thanks to that fast we did with our family and friends and the amazing response from our Heavenly Father. We felt so much love in our hearts for everyone around us and especially our little, itty-bitty, new addition.

We prepared to announce to our families. One of my best friends, Tayler, is pregnant and so I told her by giving her a onsie that said “Best…” and on the next line it said “Est. Summer 2014” and when she looked at it she was so sweet but so confused, until she looked up and I was holding up a second onesie that said “Friends….” She had one of the best reactions I have ever seen. We told my mom and dad by gifting my dad a camouflage onesie shortly after his birthday and they both got teary eyed and screamed and yelled at how excited they were to be grandparents. I told my sister and grandma but giving them onsies and we told Mason’s family by taking brownies to dinner that said “Baby Rose Coming September 2014” on the top in frosting.

Everyone was so happy for us.

Talk to me Doc: Pills, Pain and Progesterone

Right before our one year mark of trying to get pregnant I was visiting with my sister in law and she mentioned something about a doctor she used to work for. She had had her share of problems in this department so I had started to open up to her because I needed support, and I started feeling like no one understood me. Everyone else I knew would just start trying and get pregnant seemingly the next day and it was disheartening that apparently I was the ONLY one having to deal with this. (Now I know that is not true, but it did seem this way.) My sister in law mentioned this doctor she had worked for before and that he specialized in infertility. (By the way, the sound of that word made me want to cry.) I talked with her about what to expect if I did meet with him and she helped me realize that I was not the only one on God’s Green Earth that had gone through this; That this doctor helped women like me daily. So I got his information and set an appointment for a few weeks later.
September 2013 was our first appointment with Dr. Tweede. He went through a number of different causes and asked me a bunch of really personal questions and stated that he thought the cause might be that I just wasn’t ovulating; Which was an easy fix… (whew.) I would go on a pill call CloMed that would make my body ovulate. He gave me a very specific listed calendar of days to take the pill, days to try, and then the day that I would come in and get my progesterone level tested to see if I had ovulated. Meanwhile, we would get Mason tested and take a bunch of blood from me to test for thyroid problems and other things that may be causing a problem. Everything from those tests came back squeaky clean for me and Mason. So in September, on the right day, I took my first pill and followed the doctor’s orders to a “T.”

October 2013 came around- our one year mark (sorry if there are any men reading this,) and I had my “cycle.” Only, it was different. I ALWAYS get excruciating cramping but this was to an extreme. Like lying on the floor in the bathroom, sore for a week afterwards, crying-and-wanting-to-go-to-the-hospital kind of bad. I thought maybe the pill had been causing it, so I called my doctor’s office and spoke to the nurse. And I wouldn’t find out until much later that I had just experienced my first miscarriage.

So, I went on about my life. This miscarriage was still somewhat unknown. I had my suspicions but there was no way to tell since I hadn’t taken a test or gone to the doctor for it and I had never experienced one before. We continued on the pill and the “baby makin’ calendar” and every month we would go get my blood taken so we could test my progesterone and see if I had ovulated. My progesterone level needed to be over a 15 for me to have any chance of my getting pregnant. October, it was 15 on the dot. November, it was….. 1. Talk about a kick to the stomach.
November was a hard month for this little Rose Family. The nature of the situation was really setting

in. And it was hurting me every single day. I was “late” that
month and had a day where I was throwing up all day. Shortly before I went in to get my Progesterone test taken I took a pregnancy test. And it was negative. By now every pregnancy test was so routine that I acted as if I expected it to say “NO” in big capital letters but for some reason in November I REALLY thought…. This is it. But it wasn’t. And a few days later the doctor told me my level was at a little itty bitty 1. It was so disheartening. At this point, as hard as it is to admit, I started having some serious issues with the whole situation. I have always been a strong member of the LDS church. No, not perfect, but my testimony has really propelled me through some hard times and I have never, not once, lost my faith even a little bit; Even when others around me had. I always have and always will love my Heavenly Father more than anything else in the Universe. Hands down. So please, I beg you, don’t get me wrong and please TRY to imagine how I was feeling at this point. But I started to resent God. No I didn’t hate him, or stop believing. But it was so hard for me to understand how God could create life on Earth and command us to procreate and multiply and replenish and then take that ability away from someone so willing and excited to fulfill that commandment. I struggled with this. And I will admit sometimes still struggle with it.

“4 And my soul hungered; and I kneeled down before my Maker, and I cried unto him in mighty prayer and supplication for mine own soul; and all the day long did I cry unto him; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.”
I didn’t question the church, I questioned the meaning and need for this trial. I “did cry unto him,” quite literally wondering why this simple, beautiful thing was so hard for Mason and I. I was so close to losing hope.

In December we tried…. Again. And went in to get my Progesterone tested…. Again. They decided to double my dose and try ONE more time with just the pill. However, this time, before we went through this whole process, I told Mason we needed to open up to our family members and close friends about what was going on. We needed the prayers and the support; because if, in January, my progesterone was low again and my pregnancy test came out negative, there would be dye tests, procedures to look at my insides, and possible surgery, etc. (All of the nasty things that come along with asking for medical help.) I was ready to do whatever it took, but I KNEW I wasn’t strong enough to go through all of that and remain happy without my family and friends to support me. Before telling our families we had kept this whole process hush-hush. No one knew we were even trying l to get pregnant let alone had been trying for almost a year and a half.

After telling everyone we also invited them to fast with us the first Sunday of the New Year. Everyone was so loving and happy to help, and Mason and I felt as if the Fast was a huge success. We felt our Saviors unconditional love and acknowledgement. We knew that He knew us personally and was there to not just help us but to carry us through what was ahead. What a huge comfort after the past few months!