Testing, testing... 1, 2, 3.

Thursday the 18th of December I went in for my doctor's appointment at Valley OBGYN. We met with doctor Jones and discussed where we were at in the process and made him aware of our failed attempt at getting the HSG test done. He was confused and decided it was best to do an exam and take a look at things. When he did that he said that it all looked good and normal and that he wanted me to schedule an HSG... for that day! So I called into work and got the rest of the day off and that afternoon went to the hospital for the test. This time I was prepared. I knew what was going to happen and wasn't near as nervous. I felt pretty excited actually to finally get SOMETHING accomplished. I feel like ever since my surgery we have been at somewhat of a standstill. So here went nothing. I went in and had that same nurse and radiologist as last time so it was easy. We got all set up andddddd it about killed me when they went to insert the tube to inject the dye. I screamed and began crying like a big baby. I was so mad at myself! I told them I was fine and to try again and so they did and AGAIN. What in the world. The radiologist stepped out again and called my doctor and they talked and when he came back in he said that Dr. Jones had a few options for me and would be able to explain them to me tonight. He said that Dr. Jones was in clinical and would be able to call me after he got off work. I was so mad. I was frustrated and felt dumb and weak and disappointed. So I went home and rested and cried and then when Dr. Jones called he made me feel a little better. He talked about possible doing the HSG with him in the procedure room so that he could apply a local anesthetic and see if that helped with the pain. I just told him that I had been through that pain twice and couldn't see myself going back in a THIRD time and conquering it. I was petrified of trying again because of how bad it hurt and asked if there was anything else we could try. So he suggested a hysteroscopy. He said I would come into the office, they would put me under and just insert a small tube with a light and camera on the end up into my uterus. He would look around and take some pictures and make sure that there wasn't a uterine septum or any other factors preventing me from getting prgnant and carrying to full term! So I agreed to that procedure and the doctor siad that we only had a couple of days before it would be time for Mason and I to try to get pregnant again. Dr Jones said he would call his surgery scheduler and that she would contact me the next day to let me know if I could get in before the following Tuesday. Sure enough, she called and we got it scheduled and Monday night at 4:15 PM I went in to get the procedure done. I was scared of course because I didn't really know what to expect, but Dr. Jones was really nice and helped ease my crazy nerves. Mason came with me and got me all set up. We talked to Dr. Jones about all of the different things he would look at and asked a ton of questions. He decided to also take a small biopsy of my cervix to make sure there was no infection or anything wrong there. So into the procedure room I went and the last thing I remember was talking to the anesthesiologist about was soap. He had handed me a small homemade bar from him and his wife. When I woke up they wheeled me into the room where Mason was waiting I remember he kept telling me that we would talk about the results later when I was more awake and could talk a little bit better, but I kept insisting that he tell me what they found. He told me that everything looked good and nothing was wrong and I kept calling him a liar. Oh boy... me on drugs. When Dr. Jones came in to talk to us the first thing I asked was if Mason was lying and the doctor laughed and told me that no he was not lying and that everything really did go perfectly and that there was absolutely nothing wrong or abnormal in my uterus. The last thing I remember was the doctor telling me that I just needed to relax and try again without worrying. He said he had a good feeling about this month. Mason dragged my little drugged self home and I passed out for the rest of the night. We are still waiting for results from the cervical biopsy and should receive those sometime next week. I would be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated that I didn't get any additional information or find something that could be easily cured so that our worries of more miscarriages would be eliminated. Because I was. I was sad and frustrated. But when it comes down to it I am happy that there was nothing that would prevent us from ever getting pregnant. Nothing life changing was found but we definitely feel more at peace and can rest easy knowing I am healthy! I still have hope and am going to stay positive! As for next steps... TRY AGAIN! Hope you all had a beautiful Christmas.

Sink or Swim

Sometimes... I just want to lay in my bed and cry all day long. And I know, you are thinking, yikes. She crazy. But I really am not. I think one of the harder things about infertility is that when we are trying to get pregnant it is nothing but a countdown, day by day, step by step. So time crawls by and you watch for symptoms that you think may be pregnancy and constantly question if you are making it all up in your head or if you may actually be feeling symptoms of a growing baby. This month... that was me. FINALLY, Mason and I tried again. For the first time since my surgery. I was scared, but I took my Clomed at the dose that I was told to. Counted all of my days. Took ovulation tests, got THREE DAYS, of peak ovulation, and tried those days. Tried to cut out caffeine, eat somewhat healthy just in case. And I think I probably said about 10 simple, small, silent prayers throughout each day that this would be it... finally. Every time that Mason and I have followed the calender correctly, I have ovulated, and we have done all that we needed to and tried to get pregnant, we have gotten pregnant. So I have been counting down days until I could start testing and I just knew I was going to get a positive. I have taken 5 pregnancy test already, and they were all negative. Including the one I took this morning. All I have to say is... OUCH. My heart. I have had cramping, abdominal pains, nausea, fatigue, spotting, irritability, and mild headaches among other things I won't mention. All of these were early symptoms from my last few pregnancies. I could have SWORN I was going to get a positive. Here's another thing about infertility, no matter how many times you get a negative pregnancy test, it still shocks you, it still hurts you, and there is still a few sad days following that result. I can not describe that feeling. Because of my history of miscarriage and infertility I really try and keep my emotions in check, try not to plan things out, or dream of how I would announce my pregnancy, or how I would tell my family, or think through what months I would be pregnant, what I might wear or what I might look like 8 months pregnant, or when I would be due, if it would be a boy or a girl, how I would tell Mason, what it would feel like when we found out, what the doctor would have us do to try and keep this pregnancy, would this baby make it? Would it be any different? But... needless to say, and as you can see, those thoughts always come throughout those weeks of waiting. For those of you who have experienced any type of infertility I am sure at one point, you have felt these same things and thought through the same things I have during that waiting period. It's torture!

I have such a wonderful life, Mason and I have been blessed beyond measure. We receive blessings in many aspects of our lives, even when we feel that we aren't worthy, or that maybe we haven't done all we needed to to deserve those blessings. But they keep coming. And despite how sad I am sometimes, or how bad it hurts my heart to think about that little baby I wish I had, I can't deny God's hand in my life. It's like when I am about to sink he reaches down and rescues me.
When we moved into our home my parents offered to purchase a framed print of my favorite Christ picture for Mason and I. I knew which one I wanted and searched high and low for it and finally found it. It was shipped to their house and they brought it to our house warming/birthday dinner for me in mid-November. Yes this photo matched the color scheme in my living room which was a wonderful surprise but it also depicts a section of scripture that has become on of my favorites. 

27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of goodcheer; it is I; be not afraid.

28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

What a beautiful reminder. I am afraid in so many ways. I am Peter. I have lost faith, I have questioned the Lord, and cried unto Him to save me. I constantly ask him to give me courage, show me mercy, and to give me the ability to start a family. I am scared to lose another baby, to feel that pain and heartache and experience everything that goes with that trial. And then every month that we try again, or take a step in the right direction, I show my faith. I walk on water, and when I find out that we are not pregnant or when I received that horrible news of dropping hormone levels and impending miscarriage... I sink. Every time I sink and I think I might drown I am amazed when I feel the Lord's hand reach down into the depths and pull me out. He truly saves me. I love the Him for that.

This month of trying was a hard one for me. I allowed myself to get my hopes up which I typically try to avoid. For anyone facing a trial of this magnitude, you know... there are good days and bad days, easy months and hard months, excitement and disappointment and an entire pool of other emotions that play a part. It is all how you choose to deal with them that counts. So I choose to be excited for the holidays! I choose to snuggle any baby I can get my hands on! I choose to look at my blessings and find things each day to be grateful for! I choose to surround myself with family and friends and to look at my wonderful husband and find happiness, and peace. I choose happiness. And let me tell you, that is up to you. Happiness is completely up to you. It's a choice. And that's my choice. There are too many reasons to be happy!

So next Thursday we have an appointment for a check up with Dr. Jones. I need to make sure the antibiotics did their job, reschedule my HSG test and go from there. Here's to hoping that we can get the ball rolling again as soon as possible! Mason and I need us a baby!

Hope this post finds you all enjoying your holidays! XOXO, Randi

Not what we expected.

Tuesday October 14th was the day Mason and I went to the American Fork Hospital to get the HSG test done. We showed up bright and early. They walked me back through Radiology and into a dressing room where changed into a hospital gown. They had me take a pregnancy test to make sure that I wasn't pregnant so that if I was we didn't drench the baby in dye. It was negative which was no surprise to me. After that I was taken into a connecting room with a large machine, a table of horrible looking tools and tubes The nurse was super nice to me because she could tell I was so nervous. I asked all kinds of questions and she answered them so sweetly. I laid back and waited for the doctor to enter the room. Mason was there with me and held my hand the whole time to try and help me calm my nerves... plus the doctor had a TV screen where we would see the dye going through my body and they told us we would be able to find out the results right there. Which made all of the nerves totally worth it!

The doctor came in and started to do the procedure, which was supposed to be uncomfortable but not painful.... I tried to remain calm and breathe and as he went to put the tube in so he could send the dye through I felt the tube hit something and let out a scream of pain. They told me to relax and that it wouldn't hurt and they tried again and BOOM... crazy pain and a curse word from me. The doctor stopped abruptly and told me he was going to take everything out and he did so quickly. I was watching and crying and the doctor waved the nurse out of the room. I looked at Mason in a panic and asked what was going on. He shrugged his shoulders and we just waited. I felt weird and scared and like something was wrong. They were there doing the procedure and then they were gone... and we were sitting there waiting. The doctor came back in and told me that he found some lesions and blisters on my cervix and because of that he was going to be unable to do the procedure. I started frantically asking what that meant and what causes it and if that was why it hurt so bad and he just kept saying that my OBGYN would be able to tell me all of that information. He said that he had put in a call to my doctor at Valley and that they were going to get me in right away to get an exam done. 

Off we went... no answers and a lot of new questions. We went in and Dr. Jones was unavailable so we saw a different doctor in the same office. He said that my cervix was in fairly bad shape and there were a few things it could be. The first thing he wanted me to do was to take an antibiotic since it could have been an  infection from the surgery or even from the progesterone suppository I had used while I was pregnant. He said to take the antibiotic for the rest of the month and then follow up with an appointment in November. 

Meanwhile, we did get the results back from my blood tests... NO Factor IV, NO lupus, NO anything! They all came back clean. Which you would think I would have been thrilled about, but my reaction was a little bit short of that. It was bittersweet. I was happy to have more possibilities crossed off the list and a little bit disappointed that we still don't know WHY I can't carry to full term. Or even past the first two months of pregnancy!
Ya know, there are times when I look at what Mason and I are facing right now with pregnancy, and how it is all we want and could ever wish for, and think... I could be bitter if I wanted. I mean would you blame me? I could be mad, frustrated or depressed and I don't think anyone would blame me one bit. But why would I do that? Why would I lose hope? Or why would I give up? When there is so much potential in this life to be a mother in so many different ways. Mason and I just moved into our first home together and  let me tell you it was nothing short of a spiritual and emotional experience for us both. I in-vision our home as being a safe haven for friends, family and most of all us and our future children. I want it to be nothing short of that. I can be a mother in the way I care for those I love and my ability to show them their worth through understanding, charity and undying compassion. I have that ability. I have been blessed in so many ways during this whole journey. I know I say that all the time. Although I have never faced tribulation quite like this I can't help but see the potential I have to learn from the experience and improve myself because of it.
Mason and I feel so blessed by all of the support we have received and the excitement and encouragement that you have all shown us while we build our home and plug along through this experience! I have loved talking to so many of you and offering counsel, advice, answering questions and being able to use something I've learned through hardship to help others.
I hope this post find you all happy, healthy and excited for the holidays! I know I am  :)

As for our house... it's official! Wahoo! We are homeowners. I love it! Once I get it all decorated I will show you pictures but as for now it is a little dusty and full of boxes. Lots of work for me to do over the next few weeks thats for sure. But I am oh-so happy to do it!

Happy Saturday!

Love,
Randi Rose

Baby Steps.

So I can not believe the amount of love I have gotten since releasing my blog to the public. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude... I have never felt so blessed and am so happy that all of you have reached out to me and shared experiences, well-wishes and most of all your support. Thank you.

So good news is... FINALLY I am out of the "recovery time" that was required for my surgery. I hit my six week mark today and we had a follow-up/planning meeting with our new and most favorite baby doctor, Dr. Jones, this morning. He has by far been the most proactive specialist we have been to and it is so exciting to see progress in the right direction, even if it's just baby steps. So first off he checked my incision and pushed around on my belly. I was able to tell him I FINALLY had a cycle... didn't know if it was ever gonna come back and then it finally decided to rear it's ugly face. I haven't had a cycle since JUNE! People, that's almost half of a pregnancy! But anyways... moving on. He said that was good and continued to tell me what his plans were. He told me 5 things...

#1: No trying - not yet. He wants me to give my body a break from a month or so more since I have physically been through so much. And I won't complain too much because let me tell you... I am not ready to get pregnant again emotionally. I am still working through a little bit of the grieving process and the thought of risking the pain that I went through is still a little scary. It obviously would be totally worth it if everything went better than last time but there isn't any guarantee of that quite yet. Especially because my risk for an ectopic pregnancy has gone up about 15%.

#2: If I do get pregnant... LET HIM KNOW ASAP. He said that once I am pregnant it will be HCG tests every week and very close monitoring and lots of rest for this wanna-be mama to make sure that I don't have another Ectopic and risk losing my other Fallopian tube. He actually used the term "High Risk Pregnancy" this time. (That's scary sounding.) If I were to lose the other tube the only way I could get pregnant from there on out would be through IVF. 

#3: He had me get my blood taken to test for a blood clot disorder called Factor Five Leiden plus Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome and a few other things that may be causing my recurring miscarriages. It will take 1-2 weeks to get those results back... if any of them come back positive he will let me know and I will get my blood taken again in another 4-5 weeks and tested for the same disorder. Then if those tests come back positive it's a confirmed diagnosis. Good new is he said that any of these can be treated with Aspirin and an anticoagulant medication called Heparin.

#4: He gave me an order for the Hysterosalpingogram (HSG), better known as the "dye test." During this procedure they shoot dye through a tube, into my body, the dye goes through my Fallopian tubes tube and into the uterus and (if all goes perfect,) spills into my stomach. As the dye runs its course it takes a steady stream of X-Rays and shows us what's going on in there on a screen next to the bed. With me he is mostly concerned about a Uterine Septum, a wall down the middle of my Uterus that is preventing the fertilized egg from implanting correctly. If that is the case it is fixed with surgery to remove that extra lining.

#5: He used the words... "I have NEVER seen this happen to one of my patients" while referring to my Tubal Pregnancy. He even said "your case has kind of haunted me..." He says that it is not normal for the body to be steadily decreasing in HCG and then shoot up crazy high like mine did when I got to the ER that night. That worries him a little just because it would make it extremely hard to diagnose again if it happened. He also said that if all of these tests come back normal and nothing is wrong then he wants me to get pregnant again, take the progesterone suppositories, rest a lot and see if my body naturally develops the baby like a normal pregnancy. If I were to miscarry again he said it would be a little bit puzzling and that he would really have to start "digging" for causes... ummmmm yikes.

So for the next few weeks we are praying that we get some good news back from these tests and that we can move on our merry little way with starting our family. We have been through ALOT these last couple months and I am so ready for a break. It has just been one thing after another as far as injury, trial and disappointment. But we have been able to keep ourselves happy and optimistic because of the help of our family and friends and the amazing Gospel that we are blessed to be members of. We are leaning on our Heavenly Father more than ever and feel his love and grace every morning, day and night. Our prayers are heard, the scriptures teach us everything we need to know and our Heavenly Father is showering us with love and blessings as we continue to faithfully truck through these excruciating trials.

On that note here are five blessings from the past month:

#1: Our house is ONE MONTH away from being move-in ready.... and it is so so beautiful. I want to cry every time I am there because of how blessed I feel that Mason and I have the opportunity to build and live in our first home together. The Lord really is watching out. I believe He knew how badly we would need something this exciting and positive in our lives at this point and that little house on a hill is it.

#2: My little sister had her baby... Asher Grey Dixon. And that little guy is just the sweetest spirit and I love him dearly. Thank Heaven that he arrived safely and that mama is doing wonderful... Needless to say I am a very proud auntie.

#3: I have had a lot of opportunity to take photos for my friends and family as of late. This has given me the chance to go outside, breathe in the fresh air and find a creative outlet that I have needed so badly!

#4: CONFERENCE. Here are a few of the notes I took from my favorite talks. *Challenges are an important part of mortality. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all will be made right in His timing. *It is far more important to lay up treasures in Heaven than on Earth.... [[And my FAVE]] This one was a quote from a story that made me cry my eyes out. "They were not blessed with children but they nurtured all who entered their home... they're home was a Heaven on Earth."

#5: PROGRESS.... When we got to the doctor's office I was so antsy. I was anxious and nervous and feeling more impatient than normal. We got in the exam room and Dr. Jones started telling us his plans moving forward and my heart took a breath. And I felt peace. No these are not answers... No these are not major decisions or major steps... but they are progress. And that is what we need. We need steps in the right direction. We need to know someone is trying to help us fix this. And we need to feel like we are crossing "possibilities" off our list and creating what will hopefully be a narrower idea of what's going on. All I want in life is to be a mom, to love a child and teach them the gospel and be a shining example to them in all the ways that I can be. I want to show them unconditional love, become their confidante and best friend as well as their teacher and disciplinarian. I am beyond ready for that responsibility and the more time I spend with children and babies the more I know that that is my calling here on Earth... Oh my gosh I can not wait.

(Not to mention... Mason is gonna make one hot dad) :)

So I go in on Tuesday the 14th of this month to get the HSG test done. Here's to hoping we get some answers and a little peace of mind. It's just a baby step... but more importantly it's a step in the right direction. Wish us luck!

Until next time,
Randi Rose

Our Infertility Journey

"I know that there is value in sharing our stories, our experiences and our knowledge. Helping others understand infertility and making connections with one another can keep us from suffering alone."

Of all the posts I have written on this blog for some reason this one is the hardest. I have been wrestling with myself over the idea of posting all of my experiences online for my friends and family to read but the quote I wrote above has been written in a notebook on my nightstand for months. And I read it on a regular basis. This blog contains mine and Mason's journey through infertility. Whether you read only this post or go back through the archives to the very beginning, this is the entire story of what we have been through from start to finish.

Unlike a lot of my friends and family I haven't always had a burning desire to be a mom. I didn't start to feel that until I met my Mason. He taught me what it was to love unconditionally and selflessly. Not long into our relationship he opened up to me, leaned on me and at some times carried me and I saw his potential as a father and he helped me to see mine as a mother. Only a couple months after our wedding we knew that our next calling was to become parents. We had nothing. We were newlyweds! We were living with my parents, broke, only had one car and no health insurance and for some reason we felt as if the Lord was pushing us towards that sacred calling. So we took a leap of faith. And boy am I glad that we started trying when we did. 

Mason and I just passed our two year mark of trying to get pregnant, our one year mark of infertility treatments, the due date for our second angel baby and just had our third miscarriage which was accompanied by our first life threatening ectopic pregnancy.

Needless to say our journey has been one full of ups and downs. There is no comparing the feeling of excitement when you find out that you are going to be a mother and there is nothing on this earth more devastating than when that dream is taken from you unexpectedly. 

My only wish for this blog is that it falls into the hands of someone who needs it. I searched for council, for blogs and books, for answers and solace throughout this journey and it was hard to find. It isn't talked about openly. 

To anyone who was wondering... Now you know why I haven't had babies yet. So, please be gentle when you ask. Believe me I would have them if I could! I would give anything in my life to have a sweet one to cuddle during the day and raise to be just like his daddy or a princess to dress just like her mommy. But it will happen in the Lord's time. And I am 100% sure of that fact. The Lord has a plan for each of us and despite how hopeless it looks from our point of view the Lord can see on through the eternities. And His view is a beautiful one.

Feel free to click back through my posts and read about our experiences and watch for more posts in the future. October 10th it's back to the drawing board and on to the next step in our journey. Thank you to all of you have been such a strong support for Mason and I. We are weak without you and feel blessed to have you.

Love,

Randi Rose

August...

At the end of July I scheduled oral surgery to get my wisdom teeth out. My surgery was scheduled for August 5th at 7AM. I let the doctor know before hand that my husband and I had been trying to get pregnant and the scheduled surgery fell right after we would be able to take a test and find out one way or another. He just told me to let him and know and that we would plan on it until he heard other wise. (If I was pregnant they wouldn't be able to knock me out, and because of where my teeth were located I had to be put under for the surgery.) So Mason and I tried in July... I ovulated for the FIRST time since my last miscarriage... YAY! And we crossed our fingers and toes. The week before the surgery my boobs were sore, (TMI?) my stomach was uneasy and my emotions were high.... so I was excited and more hopeful than usual. The thursday before my surgery (which was scheduled for a Tuesday) I took a pregnancy test. Negative. UGH! Then on Saturday of that week we were going up to Lagoon with Masons brother and his family so I decided to test one more time and make sure that it was negative so that I knew whether or not I could ride all of the rides. Again... it was negative! I was so confused because I felt so sure... I even had a weak stomach that day... every ride made me sick and I was done well before anyone else was. I was so confused. To be safe, the morning of my surgery I took another pregnancy test and it was still negative. So I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't going to happen this month and blamed the symptoms of pregnancy to the high dose of Clomed and put on my big girl pants and got the surgery. It was a rough one and I came home that day and was SO sick. My stomach would not stop turning and I had a headache all day and I slept the entire day. Part of which I could tell were the drugs and post surgery side effects but I couldn't figure out why I would be so sick to my stomach. So, the next morning, when Mason ran to Wal Mart to get my prescriptions I took one more pregnancy test. I figured that it would be negative and that I could throw it away and Mason wouldn't know and I wouldn't feel dumb for trying one more time. So I peed on the stick, put the cap on, slipped it back into the wrapper and put it on put it on my nightstand. I fell asleep for a few minutes and woke back up, rolled over, pulled out the stick and.... No. Freaking. Way. I was PREGNANT! I sat on the edge of my bed slipping the pregnancy test out of the wrapper, and back in... and out.... and in. And every time I looked at it I expected it to say something different. Like "oops, not this time" or "tricked ya!" or "try again." But no.... the screen said plain as day.... PREGNANT. When mason walked into the room I was still sitting there and I held up the test, in the wrapper and just stared at him and he just stared at me. And all he said was..... "No..." and then he smiled... and then he tackled me and we stared at the test and laughed and cried and talked about how much we couldn't believe it, and this baby was a fighter and we called the doctor and set up a check up for the next day. Sure enough.... 4.5 weeks prego and due on April 11th, 2015. Mason and I were so excited...

Because of our history or miscarriage it was harder this time. I decided that one way or another I was going to be excited. Not scared. Be positive and celebrate the little life growing in my belly. I didn't want this to be "THE pregnancy," the one that made it all the way and look back and just remember being scared of losing our precious baby, and have no memory of being excited for it! For Mason it was even harder. He had watched me go through the loss. He held me while I cried and he was strong when I was SO weak. He was scared and hesitant. He was excited but that excitement was masked by the fear of losing yet another little one. So life went on and we were nearing our first ultrasound. We were 6 weeks along, we had passed the point that we had miscarried last time! I was ecstatic. I sent Mason a text and he began to show his love for that little baby and we began to day dream. Names, what ifs, nurseries, things we wanted to do and learn about before the little one arrived, when and how we would tell our families. You know... the usual.

It was a Sunday morning... the 17th of August around 2 AM. I sat straight up out of bed and doubled over in pain. I couldn't help but panic. There was no blood, but a pain so bad that I couldn't even stand up straight. Mason sat up next to me and asked what he could do... He helped me out of bed, helped me get dressed and we went to the hospital. They rushed me back in a wheelchair, put in a massive IV and got me liquids and pain killers. They asked me some questions, ya know, last cycle, due date, how far along I was and the hardest one... "Is this your first pregnancy?".... " No.".... "What number is this?".... "Pregnancy #3"......"And how many live births?"..... "None." It's a dagger to the heart and its even harder to watch their expression when you tell them that.

They came in and mentioned some things that the pain could be... It could be a cyst, kidney stones, miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, gas pains.... They acted fairly confident that it was Kidney Stones so I remained positive. The first thing they wanted was a bunch of blood. Next thing they wanted was an ultrasound. Good news was this pain was different than the miscarriages I had had before so I was confident baby was okay. Not to mention when we met with the doctor a couple weeks before he was happy to report that with all of the symptoms I was having the pregnancy must have been going good so far. The more symptoms the better the chances of full term pregnancy and healthy baby. Especially because I had never really had that many symptoms before. So I kept myself positive and tried not be overly excited that the ER nurse had mentioned we should be able to hear a heartbeat! Yes I was in pain but this would be the first baby heart beat I would get to hear! I was beside myself. Mason sat next to me and held my hand while I prayed silently to just hear a few beats of that little ones heart. If I got to experience that it would be worth the pain I was in, a million times over.
They wheeled me into the Ultrasound room and got started. They took pictures of my kidney, ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, bladder and anything else in that region. The ultrasound tech flipped a switch and I could hear a heartbeat! I looked at her with wide eyes and asked if that was baby! She shook her head and told me that that was my heart beat. I watched her intently and waited for her to point out the second beating heart and she didn't. She finished and then told me the doctor would be in with the results. My eyes welled up.
I was wheeled back to the room. The doctor came in a while later and told us that I had a cyst on my ovary that was nearly the same size as my uterus. Normal cysts are around 1 cm. Mine was 3.5 cm. He told me I would need to be on bed rest for the rest of the week because if the cyst were to grow to 5 cm than there was risk of that ovary toppling and cutting off blood supply. That would cause the ovary to die and I would need to have it surgically removed which would lower my chances of getting pregnant again. Then he sat down on a chair next to me and began to ask me questions about when we found out I was pregnant and how far along I was supposed to be... The word that stuck out to me? SUPPOSED to be. I stared at him and waited for the news. He said that my HCG levels were supposed to be double what they were now if I was indeed 6 weeks along. They were at 900. I guess that's not good at 6 weeks. He said that there was a chance that they could increase over night and if they did the pregnancy should last through it but if they dropped than that would tell us that a miscarriage was on its way. He told me that I needed to get my blood taken first thing Monday morning and then see my OB for a follow up. I asked him about the baby... if we could get one of the pictures from the ultrasound and he delivered a little bit more bad news. They were unable to find a heartbeat or a fetus. There wasn't any sign of baby Rose... he said that that could be caused by my low hormones and that at this far along that there was a risk of an ectopic pregnancy. I was numb. Heartbroken.... scared... and numb. Mason was a sweetheart. He got me to the car and held my hand all the way home while I slept. We got home at 8 AM... He got me upstairs where we told my parents that I was pregnant but that there was a risk of miscarriage and we would know more in the morning. I fell asleep and slept most of that Sunday. I woke up mid day with cramping and sharp pains... I knew what was coming. My body was giving up on sweet baby Rose #3.
Monday morning came and we were back at the hospital at 8 AM sharp to get my blood taken. We went to the doctors around 10 AM. They took us into the ultrasound room and made us wait for the doctor. He came in and I knew right away. He sat down and said, "I am so sorry that I have to be the one to deliver this news to you but your HCG levels dropped significantly last night. They were at a 246 when you were tested this morning." I grabbed for Masons hand and broke into a sob. I didn't even try to control it. The doctor said quietly "I'll give you guys a few minutes to process that news." I just cried. And Mason held me so tight. I got myself together and the doctor came back in shortly after. He told me that this was the worst part of his job. And apologized for our loss. He did an ultrasound and checked my cyst. It had reduced in size by a quarter of a centimeter which was good! He also checked for an ectopic pregnancy and said that everything looked good. We talked about some next steps and what we would be planning as far as treatment for the next few months and then we left. Mason called into work and we spent the day together, did some therapy shopping and then watch TV together at home.
The week went by and I remained on bed rest for the cyst. Friday came and I started to actually miscarry. The doctors had told me to watch for pain that was on one side or the other because I was still pregnant and it could still be ectopic. That evening the pain moved to my left side so Mason took me to the ER.... again. They did blood tests and gave me pain killers and told me my HCG level was a 2. So it was officially a miscarriage the doctor said. I was 7 weeks along. Horrible pain and lots of emotions followed and then I was headed back to work that following Monday. I put on a brave face and pushed through my work days but everything made me think of my pregnancy. I cried a few times that week at work but things were starting to get easier, slowly but surely. I had a follow up phone call Friday morning with my doctor and he told me that there was a mistake and my levels were actually at a 157 when I went to the ER last and that that raised some red flags. I told him that I was feeling fine, I had stopped bleeding but he insisted that I needed to get in Saturday to see him. That same Friday evening.... August 29th, the girls from work were all going to dinner with our managers to celebrate how wonderful we did at a sidewalk sale a few months before! I had had some pain that day and a little light headedness which made me a little nervous but I felt alright. Everyone met at work and we carpooled from there. We were headed to Murray to the Cheesecake factory and my friend Morgan needed someone to ride with her so that she could stay up there after and didn't have to drive alone. I would just grab a ride back with someone else. We were almost to the exit when I felt a sharp stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to ignore it and act normal but it was overwhelming me. I started to panic and told Morgan calmly that I needed to go to the hospital. I called Mason and told him but he was stuck at work. I told him not to worry and that I would let him know once I found out more. Morgan dropped me off at the ER and I hobbled in. The pain was so intense that it was hard to see straight and I was having trouble standing. I tried to wait patiently for the front desk to get me checked in. They finally got to me and sat me down at the registration desk. I gave a brief run through of what was happening and told the nurse that I had miscarried the week before but they had been worried about ectopic, I mentioned my cyst but it was getting harder and harder to think straight. The male nurse gave me attitude and made me feel dumb by telling me that it was probably just the cyst rupturing and that those can be painful and I snapped at him that I had had a cyst rupture... this was worse. He told me, "we have to take serious cases back first. We will get to you as soon as we can." Slapped a bracelet on my wrist and told me to wait in the waiting room.
I sat there for what seemed like forever! 15 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins later I was getting ready to hobble up to the front again and beg for help, I was light headed, I thought I might pass out and people kept going in ahead of me. I prayed as hard as I could that a nurse would come get me; I was alone in the waiting room and crying from the pain and scared. The next thing I know.... a nurse yelled, "Rose, Randi?" I tried to stand up but almost fell over so he had to get a wheelchair. I told him I had been waiting forever, the pain was spreading and that I had recently miscarried a high risk pregnancy. This guy was taking me seriously. Thank you!! He rushed me back to an oversized room, got me oxygen, an IV, lots of pain killers and hooked me up to all sorts of monitors and a nurse call button. I called Mason and told him to come as soon as he could. They brought in two doctors to do the ultrasound. I was scared to death and crying pretty steadily. One of the nurses held my hand and the ultrasound tech told me that there was some internal bleeding and that that was normally a sign of an Ectopic pregnancy.
How could that be? I had miscarried. A week ago. I had stopped bleeding. But now it was happening all over again? This was my worst nightmare.
Mason was there with me soon after that and by then I had stopped crying and was pretty out of it from the pain medication. The doctor came in a few minutes after Mason got there and looked at my ultrasound results. He told me that there was blood in my abdomen and a few other signs of an ectopic pregnancy. They wouldn't know how bad the damage was until they got in there but that he was going to call the surgeon and get her opinion. We called my family and let them know and waited for more information. All of a sudden everyone was moving a lot faster. The surgeon came in and told me that my left fallopian tube had ruptured and that it would need to be removed. She said that they were going to be by within the next few minutes to get me for surgery.

I was numb. And stunned.

The doctors came by, gave Mason a bag for my stuff and got me admitted to the hospital. Everything went pretty quickly after that. Mason followed the bed as they wheeled me to the operation room and kissed me before they pointed him to the waiting room. I put on a brave face but I was scared to death. We were rushing down hallways and then they parked me just outside of an operating room. Each nurse came by and introduced themselves. The doctors and anesthesiologist came and talked to me and then wheeled me in. The last thing I remembered was them wrapping my arms in foam and strapping them down to my sides. I was shaking now. Then they put on a mask and hooked me up to a fluid and I was out before the doctor finished telling me what to count to.

Two hours later I was waking up. My mom, dad and perfect husband were there. I had a hard time focusing but once I came to Mason told me that I had done well. They removed the left fallopian tube but it shouldn't reduce my chances of getting pregnant. He said the doctors told him it was possible that it was a "twin pregnancy" since I had miscarried the previous week. They said I had blood up to my rib cage and that they removed most of it... over a pound of blood was taken from my abdomen. My estimated recovery time was two and half weeks of bed rest. Which brings us to today. My two and a half week mark.

I am doing better. They caught a nerve the width of fishing line in my right side stitches. They said that it would take 3 to 6 months to heal completely. It has caused some constant pain but I am beginning to learn how to avoid it and what I can and can't do while it heals. Besides that the pain is beginning to subside. I still hurt if I am fairly active for an entire day and I have trouble walking long distances. I can't lift heavy things and I wear a compression brace to ease the pain on my right side. So if you see me hobbling around that's why. As for my emotions... I am trying to learn how to cope. I have been preoccupied with the pain my body has dealt with and the extensive recovery that I have been trying to deal with... Pain, nausea, headaches, loss of appetite, low energy, and inability to do lots of things for myself have all worn me down. It has been a hard month for our small Rose family but we have been each others greatest strength. I could not have survived this hellish month without my one and only love of my life, Mason. He has cooked, cleaned, worked full time, helped me in and out of bed, helped me dress myself and get up and down the stairs, brought me medicine, filled prescriptions, ran errands, kept me preoccupied by spoiling me with things for our home and new clothes to wear once I am recovered, and not to mention showered me with compliments daily to boost my hurt confidence and keep me smiling. He is my superman. My hero. And I could not have made it through without him. (I love you dearly Mas.) As for treatment plans... we have a follow up appointment the 10th of August. Until then our treatment plan is to spend time together and learn to cope with what has happened as of late. It has been far from easy but with the support of our friends and family we are making it through. Thank you for all your support and well wishes and for those of you struggling with similar things I am praying for you. This trial is tragic, it's life consuming, heart wrenching and so unbearable at times. Just know you're not alone. You are loved... and watched over and cared for.... by a loving Heavenly Father. Cry, get mad and let it out but... DO NOT GIVE UP! Be hopeful and have faith. Despite what we have been through and the trials we have faced... I can not help but know with all my heart that everything will be ok.



[[ to my 3 (maybe 4) angel babies in Heaven. you are so loved. xo ]]

A puppy is like a baby... right??

 Well I feel like I have fallen a little behind. It's been a while. I have so much to say and so little patience to sit here and write it all :) but I will. So here it goes. First and foremost... I have a baby. And by baby I mean puppy. His name is Ruca, he is a chocolate lab and he is my little cure for my broken-baby-makin'-part-blues. He is so fun and so crazy and I just love that I have a little life to care for aside from my own. No it's not a baby, but it is close enough for me for right now. And he definitely has been a blessing to me in the sense that he pulled me out of a really hard, miserable rutt that I was in. These past couple months have been a little rocky and rough while we waited for answers from our change of treatment/doctor.
He is the sweetest and boy does that little guy love his mama. He is excited when Mason and I come home and would cuddle us all day and night if we would let him. He has learned to sit and will lay down on command... almost. And he knows his name even though he ignores us most of the time. He holds his leash in his mouth when we walk him and I think it's adorable that he wants to be the boss. He is such a little personality and we just love him!

Since the last post we have also moved in with my parents. Again. It was a hard choice to make because boy did we love where we were living, but we decided in order to save up for our gorgeous soon-to-be home we would live with them for a while and put that rent towards appliances and new furniture instead. Which we have done! We have almost already paid off a giant fridge and my dream washer and dryer! And we still have 4 months!! Wahoo! I am really proud of us! We are going to be able to pay for it all outright instead of financing it into the house. We just got debt free so for us to choose to pay for it out of pocket is a huge step for us. It was always to easy to finance but I really feel like we are doing it right this time. Which is good! A home is such a big purchase! 

So besides all of that we also changed doctors. Like I said in my last post... fresh start. We decided to start going to Valley OBGYN and Dr. Melendez is our new doctor. He is funny, lighthearted, and has a lot of knowledge and knows of a bunch of studies that support his proposed course of treatment. Which Mason loved. Plus he says I can drink Coke still. Which I loved. All of June the Dr. took me off of Clomed. He told me to give my body a rest. Which I was more than okay with. He says that studies show that if your body gets too used to taking Clomed every month it will start to react to it as a contraceptive instead of a pill to help you get preggers. So that could explain why my progesterone was going down and not going up. So we did that. And it was so nice to have a break from all of those hormones and just feel like my normal self for the entire month. He did ask us to check to see if my body ovulated off of the Clomed and it was no shock to us that it didn't. The news still had a little bit of a sting to it even though I semi-expected it. Bad new is always bad no matter how many times you hear it. Aside from that he wanted us to change our "calendar" around a little bit and try something different from what we have been doing. So we did that. And Doc also wanted us to get a Hysterosalpingogram. Or HSG test. Or "dye test." Whatever you would like to call it. It is where they shoot a dye through the uterus and fallopian tubes and then a machine takes a steady stream of X-rays of the uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any problems, blockages or scar tissue that is preventing the egg from planting into the wall of the uterus. It also, hopefully, helps us figure out why I haven't been able to carry my babies to full term. So hopefully.... this means answers. 
I recently started reading a book that my therapist had suggested I read called "Infertility: Health, hope and healing." It is written by an LDS author and talks a lot about the experiences of women in the church and how they dealt with infertility. It talks about the Mormon perspective on family, the innocent questions that people ask in our every day lives that may hurt, and she talks about a lot of women in the scriptures that dealt with infertility. Which has helped me a lot. It is so hard to not feel alone when you struggle with something so personal that isn't openly talked about in day to day life. There are at least 3 or 4 times a day where I feel like talking about my situation or sharing my feelings about something someone says but I bight my tongue because my infertility struggle is some sort of secret. Either that or I am forced into opening up about it by people who don't realize they're questions are a little on the invasive side for someone who just met me. It is hard when people ask, "any kids?" and I say something like "not yet!" or "we're working  on it!" and people feel it necessary to pry and ask "WHY no kids?" or "do you just not feel ready?" Yikes. Then I give a brief synopsis of our situation and it turns into..."Well at least your husband and you are getting to know each other and enjoying the kid free life." or "Well you're still young!" or "Enjoy no kids while it lasts.... once you have them you can't give them back! *pitty/awkward laughs*" OH. BOY. I have heard it all. Yes I am ready. Yes I will get to know my husband better. Yes I am young.... guys... still hurts. I know they don't know it hurts but that doesn't mean it doesn't. This is my life right now. This is my reality and my daily struggle. 
The more I think on it and the more that I wonder about why I am even writing this blog that no one can read I realize that one day, and probably someday soon, I will be able to share it. Share my story and my struggles and my process so that someone in my situation can benefit from it in the future. So that they don't feel alone. So that they don't search for support desperately. It will be out there. When they look for someone who feels what they feel, or experienced what they are experiencing they can find it. 

"I believe that God will always make a way where there is no way... I believe that if we will walk in obedience to the commandments of God He will open a way even where there appears to be no way." 

1 NEPHI 3:7- 7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

Guys. There is it. God is going to make a way. There is a way. It is a commandment to have a family... to have kids... to be a unit with a husband, wife and kids. And because I know that is a commandment from God himself I also know that He is providing a way for me to be a mom or else He would not have commanded me to do so. Whether it is adoption in a few years or the natural way within the next few months. Or one of the several other ways to mother... like being a nursery or primary teacher or taking care of family members in need or being an example to nieces/nephews or being a mother in the eternities after this Earthly life... I know God sees me as a mother. I know I am a mother at heart and hopefully soon I will be one here on Earth. I know God will provide a way. Just waiting patiently for it to happen :)

Sometimes things just don't go as planned...

So this month Mason and I were able to celebrate our 2 years anniversary! Woot woot! My wonderful husband planned a 4 day, 3 night trip to Park City without me knowing! He told me we were going somewhere, what to pack and then made me cover my eyes for half of the trip. Little cutie. He made me hold my pillow in front of my face for about 10 minutes while we got off the freeway and stopped... somewhere. I had no idea. Then he ripped the pillow down and yelled "SURPRISE!" And we were at the ZOO!

He is just the sweetest. We spent the day at the zoo together and acted like kids, which is my favorite thing to do with Mason. I don't think we will ever grow up all the way.

After the zoo we headed to Park City and he didn't make me cover my eyes anymore :) We stayed at our fave resort, Westgate, and went shopping, visited the Olympic Park, went swimming and hot tubbing and Mason even took me to a chick flick one of the days! We slept in and played Wii U on the big screen in our bedroom and went to a fancy dinner at Edge Steakhouse our last night there. It was the best. It's a good thing we went a week early on our trip too because the night of our anniversary was one to remember... but not in the best way. Mason and I both got food poisoning and ended up at the hospital through the night. We even had to call my dad to come pick us up. We got heavy pain killers for abdominal pains, lots of liquids because we were dehydrated and some stomach medicine that made us pretty much pass out into a coma for about 2 days straight. The nurses felt so bad when we told them it was our anniversary they even pushed our beds together. Talk about an anniversary to remember.

Our month has been pretty great. We are blessed beyond reason and can see how well Heavenly Father is taking care of us... even if we don't always feel like we deserve it. Although this month has been mostly "ups" and not so many "downs" we did receive a piece of not so welcomed news on our way to Park City. As I told you last time our doctors upped my dose of CloMed to the highest dose that they will allow me to take. All month I had horrible, frequent hot flashes followed by headaches, and severe mood swings that made me feel cray cray... so I thought FOR SURE the CloMed was working its magic. However, it turns out that it wasn't. I have my doctor and the nurses stumped because even though I followed the "baby makin calendar" to a "T," took all my pills, watched for symptoms and got my blood taken on the right day... my progesterone was only a 4. Even lower than last month. How that's possible since we upped my dose I have no clue and neither do the nurses or my doctor really. So Mason and I have decided to get some other opinions. I have 2 appointments with 2 different doctors in American Fork in June. One of them works hand in hand with Utah Fertility Center so we are excited to give that a try, and then the other doctor works at a clinic I used to go to when I was younger. We are going to listen to both of their perspectives and courses of treatment and see who we feel would be a good fit for us. We loved Dr. Twede and I would recommend him to anyone but unfortunately he doesn't take my insurance which is kind of forcing our hand in having to try new doctors. But I figure there is probably a reason for it because I strongly believe there is a reason for everything, especially through this process. You just kind of have to believe it. So we are getting all my records sent over so the other doctors can review them and then it's back to the drawing board. Hopefully someone can give me some answers soon. I am so done waiting... and my heart re-breaks every month when my tests come back with negative answers. We are almost at 2 years of trying and 1 year of infertility treatment. That blows my mind! I keep thinking, "God, anytime now would be great!" but then I have to stop myself and remember that He does have a plan. And even though it's so so so hard somedays... I need to remain faithful and hopeful. I really wonder what that plan is sometimes but I know that whatever it is God is going to take care of me, Mason and our little future family. Feel free to come anytime babies... we are ready for ya!

Aside from that we finished designing our house from top to bottom, we are puppy shopping, and saving money to go pick our furniture and appliances for our new home! October can't come fast enough! I also got a new job at Amara Day Spa in Orem and I absolutely love it. 

All in all my message this time is sometimes things just don't go as planned. You can hope and hope and imagine things going one way but that doesn't meant they will. I don't mean for that to sound sad or "woah-is-me" but it is the harsh truth. I planned on being pregnant this month. There... I said it... but you know what, I'm not. And surprisingly, after a few days to mull it over, I am okay with it. As okay as one can be in my situation. And the only reason that is the case is because I know without a sliver of doubt in my mind that God has a plan. He knows me, He thinks of me, and He is waiting for the right time to send me one of His sweetest spirits to care for. We may be down here on Earth scratching our heads and questioning what in the heck is going on but there is no need to trouble our hearts with the what-ifs and the if-onlys. It's best to look up and to say... "I trust you." I trust my Heavenly Father. I struggle daily with the fact that I am not a mother yet, and I cry multiple times throughout the weeks and months because it hurts my heart to the very core. More than anything I have experienced before. But because Christ suffered for our sins and took upon Himself our pains and sorrows I know that I am not alone in that sadness. I am not alone in this trial. I am never, ever alone. He is with me, He knows me and sometimes things don't go as planned here on Earth but it's only because God has a greater plan than I could ever imagine in store for me. And there is no sweeter knowledge than that.

A Progesterone Dip && Hospital Trip

So as briefly mentioned in the last post... Mason and I are building a house! YAY!! We chose a beautiful lot above Highland Highway. It has a gorgeous view of the valley and is being built in the first of 9 phases of development in that area. Our home is going to have a walkout basement, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and an unfinished basement to grow into. We couldn't be more excited. We met with that architect last week to make all of the adjustments to the floor plan and finalize how the home was going to be built. It was so fun to customize our little home and we can't wait to see how it turns out! Then next step will be to customize the exterior of the home and then our last appointment will allow us to customize everything on the inside!
Besides that we have still been trying to get pregnant. Duh. The house has been keeping me nice and distracted for the most part but Mother's Day did bring up some sad feelings for both Mason and I. Me more than him. I just let myself think about how far along I would have been by now, and that I would know the sex of the baby and that Mason and I would be celebrating my first year as a mother. I let those feelings consume me for just a few little moments throughout the day before I quickly reminded myself of the other blessings in my life. Namely... Mason. Mason is amazing. He bought me beautiful flowers on Saturday and brought them home with him after work. He reminded me that I don't need to have kids to be a mother. I am a mother. To my close friends, my
family members and other loved ones... what is a mother but someone who is loving, nurturing, protective and proud of the people she is a mother to. Sheri Dew's talk called "Aren't we all Mothers?" is amazing and I highly recommend it to those of you struggling with infertility! It is uplifting and speaks to those of us who long to be mothers but for whatever reason have not been able to take part in that wonderful blessing of motherhood.
Last month my progesterone level was shockingly, and for no apparent reason, extremely low. An 8 to be exact. Now remember to have any chance of being pregnant it has to be a 17 or higher. An 8.... is heart wrenching. And the worst part is we had no idea why. I took all of the pills, took them on time and made sure to follow the calendar to a tee. So when the doctor called they upped my dose of Clomed again and told me to change just a couple things in my regimen to help. When it comes to Clomed the recommended dose is 1-2 pills, once a day for 5 days. You start at one pill and if that doesn't work move to two. We made that switch in January and I began taking 2 pills everyday for 5 days. Well the highest Clomed dose that is allowed is 3 pills or 150 mg. That's what they bumped me to this month. So fingers crossed that this works and that if it does I can carry to full term with no issues. If I have a third miscarriage we will have to begin tests to figure out what is going on that is not allowing me to carry to full term. If the Clomed doesn't work at this dose than it is back to the drawing board to start from square one. Yikes.... we really don't want that.
Aside from all of that we had a scare earlier this month. I always have horrible cramps when I begin
my cycle. Like the kind that make you have to call into work, lay in bed all day and keep yourself drugged up on IB profin and Midol with a heating pad on your stomach. This month though it was way worse than it should have been. Scary bad, I dare say equal to that of my last miscarriage. I called Mason and he rushed home and took me to the ER. They took a few ultrasounds, a lot of blood and gave me a hefty dose of Morphine to kill the pain. They found a lot of fluid in my lower abdomen and determined that it was an ovarian cyst about 2 CM that had ruptured. That doesn't sound big, but it is compared to that tiny little ovary it was attached to. I have had cysts before but this was by far the biggest. And so was the pain. Being in the hospital brought back a lot of bad memories from the night I miscarried. It was like living it all over again. Same tests, same pains and same feelings of fear. I think that hurt the most. We drove by the hospital last night on our way home and without even realizing it I was gazing at it out the window. Mason grabbed my hand and said "We have a lot of bad memories there, but not to long and we will have the happiest memory of our whole life there." He is the sweetest. And I know he is right. This whole hardship, for lack of a better term, sucks. It has really tested my body and mine and Mason's patience and understanding. But one day when I'm 7 months pregnant and holding my belly while that little angel kicks around in there I am going to look back and say I'd do it all over again. I am going to love that little nugget more than they will ever know. And just like Mason reminded me last night... that hospital is going to be the place where we receive the greatest blessing of our lives and then it won't be such a bad place anymore. It will be the place where we met and fell in love with our long-awaited little Rosebud.

Happiest Place on Earth.

Like I said, my wonderful husband said he would take me to Disneyland... and he did. There is no one that I would rather spend my life with than him. He is the sweetest, most genuine, honestly caring and amazing person to ever walk this Earth. I just know it. He is quite sincerely my angel. That's what he always calls me... he says I am an angel to him, but I am 100% sure that it is the other way around. He is so willing to do anything for me to ease this burden and has truly put himself before me in all of this. I swear he has also developed this power where he can read my mind. Sometimes when we are driving and my mind starts wondering, (like it did several times during this dreamy disneyland trip,) back to the hardships that we have been through and are continuing to face... he will reach over and say things like, "I know it's hard," or simply, "I love you." It just makes it all better... or makes me cry. Either way... in the end I feel relieved. He knows me so well, just like he knew Disneyland would take my mind off things, just long enough to get myself motivated and excited about other things in our life again! I have only been begging him to take me since we started dating almost 5 years ago :)

We had a wonderful time and are so blessed that everything worked out so perfectly that we were able to go on such short notice. Here are some pictures from our trip! We were there from Sunday night until Thursday. Then we spent a night in Vegas and got back home on Friday. It was a dream! (I am already begging him to plan our next trip to the happiest place on Earth!)

 

MASON GETTING HIS FIRST PEDICURE
Don't let him tell you otherwise... He loved it.

There are two things that I want to make sure I keep 100% clear on this blog.

#1: Mine and Mason's life together is not PERFECT. It is absolutely wonderful and it is surreal to me that we have been as blessed as we have in so many ways. Just like others though we struggle, we fight and get on each others nerves and then we laugh it off and hug it out and move on! I feel like so many people through the eyes of social media have these perfect lives, with the perfect house, the perfect job, a flawless relationship, and all these THINGS that must make their lives just... perfect. But when it comes down to it... it just isn't that way in real life. And I am not bogging down the wonderful connection and relationship Mason and I have been blessed with. I just want people to see that we are REAL people with REAL hard struggles and we just happen to be able to love each other through it. 

#2: Mine and Mason's life is also not BAD. I am blogging about this struggle that Mason and I are facing. I'm hoping to inspire and comfort others who are also going through infertility battles. But we have also been SO blessed is SO many other ways. I never want it sound like I am crying "woah-is-us" our life is so horrible. That is also far from the truth. When we started "trying" we were living in my parent's guest bedroom, only one of us had a job, neither of us had health benefits, we were buried in debt and had a car with a shattered windshield and a $400 beater that my parents gifted to us. We did NOT have it together. We just knew that for some crazy, unfathomable reason God was saying... just "try."  So we did. And now I know why we started trying when we did. Because God knew it was going to be a long battle. But since that decision God has also blessed us so tremendously. It's as if he was saying... get your crap together while you have the chance. For how bitter this trial has been and how angry I have been at God sometimes and for how many times I have questioned Him and His plan... He sure does know what He is doing. Since we made that huge decision with His help, He has given us so much. We are debt free, building our first home (more to come on that later), Mason is kicking butt at work and providing a wonderful life for us, and we have been given the opportunities to go on more dates and trips and spend this time before parenthood really growing our relationship. And how ungrateful I would be if I did not give ALL of that credit to my Heavenly Father. I do know how much He loves me. And I do know he wants to ease this burden and relieve this pain for us. It doesn't fill that baby shaped hole in my heart but it does warm my soul to know that we are on our way to providing a wonderful life for that sweet angel when it does come.

My message, this time, for those of you struggling with infertility:

Write a journal, or a blog. Writing all of this down will be a testimony to those in your future that you may encounter that are going through the same thing. Also, your future children will see how excited you were to meet them and maybe it will shed light on just a tiny spec of the amount that you love them, even though they will surely never fully comprehend it. 

Go to therapy if you think it will help, do not be afraid to be weak... this is a hard thing and it takes a strong person to know that they need help getting through it. 

Another thing I have learned... stop planning your life as if you are pregnant or will give birth any second. I did that for months. I took a job that was part time so that "when I got pregnant," I would have the time to be sick or be at home. I also was afraid to plan a trip or go to a theme park, "in case I got pregnant" after we planned it. I was scared to take up new hobbies or work full time or do anything that MIGHT take away from my baby once it decided to come. When it happens it will happen, and then go from there and change your life where you see fit. But do not postpone life and WAIT to be pregnant or you may look back one day and see all that time that you could have been spending improving this life for that child or for yourself. Take every day one day at a time... Say to yourself "what can I do to get through TODAY." And do that. Do not plan every day for your future's benefit. Choose to be happy right now.